“Jack, be nimble. Jack, be quick…” I swung the candelabra at the Jack. “Jack got murdered by the candlestick.” I smiled and wiped the black blood from my cheek. I tossed the bent metal candle holder to the side and whistled.
Jack came out of the shadows. “Another one?”
“I’m not the one who decided to try to trick a witch. Help me toss him into a dumpster and be done with this.”
Jack grabbed his doppelgänger’s shoulders and torso, while I grabbed the corpse’s feet.
We lifted the body up and carried it outside. We laid it on the prepared tarp and rolled him up.
Jill peeked around the corner. “Will you two hurry it up? I don’t want to get caught with a dead body on our hands.”
“It’d go faster if you helped,” I grumbled.
“I laid out the tarp and am keeping watch,” she snapped back.
“Can you both stop? It’s creepy looking down at my own lifeless face.” Jack tried to wrap the body up but struggled to roll it.
“You’re doing it wrong,” I said as I pushed him aside. “You gotta roll them up like a burrito. Tuck in both sides of the tarp like this.” I laid the top and bottom over the corpse’s face and feet. “Then roll.”
He helped me roll the body until it reached the end of the tarp.
“Finally, you have to tie the tarp down,” I explained, threading rope around the body and tarp to keep it from flapping in the wind.
“How’s you get so good at taking care of dead bodies?” he asked with a queer look in his eyes, like maybe I would turn on him.
“I’ve done it enough times to know the best techniques,” I replied without a care. “Open the dumpster.”
He nodded and tried to roll the lip up. “It’s stuck.”
“Really? I’ve gotta do everything?” I shoved my sleeves to my upper arms and climbed onto the dumpster. I grabbed the lid and pulled as hard as I could. “It’s stuck,” I repeated his words.
Jill ran over. “We gotta hurry. Someone’s coming!” She hopped up next to me and between the three of us, we finally got the damned thing open.
We hopped down and tossed the body bag into the nice and clean dumpster.
I gave the corpse some final words, “Rest in peace, Jack. May the dump be too good for you.”
Jack huffed. “You know I’m standing right here, right?”
“So? I’ll say the same thing at your funeral one day.” I took my gloves off.
He shuddered.
I wiped my hands on my pants. “And we’re done.”
“Hide!” Jill hissed as she dragged Jack and I behind a trio of trash cans.
The man walked down the alley and blew out a ring of smoke from his vape. He clicked something in his hands and the dumpster lit up. He climbed into the front of the vehicle and drove off.
“Oh shit,” Jill whispered.
I sighed. “Jack, be nimble, or we’re fucked. Jack, go catch that cyber truck.”
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006 - Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control - Vampire Infestation
Idea came from: https://www.tumblr.com/voyagerprobe/186881223033/just-saw-a-post-saying-a-castle-was-infested-with
I tossed a popcorn piece in the air and tried to catch it in my mouth. I missed a few times before getting it right as the phone rang. I picked it up off the cradle, munching on the fluffy popcorn. “Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control. What’s bugging’ ya?”
“Hi, this is Cameron Black, patriarch of the Clan Black.”
“What can I do for ya, Mr. Black?”
“I just purchased a castle, and there’s an infestation of vampires—”
I sighed. “Mr. Black, were they there when ya bought the place?”
“Well, yeah, but—”
“Then there’s nothing I can do about it until they continue their migration.”
“What?”
“Vampires are a protected species, and old castles are their natural habitats. Any and all attempts to remove them will result in fines, bloodletting, and possible jail time if one of them is hurt in the removal process.”
“So, what am I supposed to do then?” He sounded pissed.
“You’ll just have to wait until they move on. Once they leave, I can set up vampire prevention measures to keep more from coming into your castle.”
“How long will it take for them to leave?”
“It depends on how long they’ve been there. Could be years or a few centuries.”
“Centuries?” he shouted into the phone.
I cleaned out my ear with my pinky and flicked the wax into the trash, then cleaned my hand with a wet wipe. “That’s right, Mr. Black. But you should have seen that there were vampires in the castle in your purchase paperwork. If doesn’t say that, contact your title insurance—”
“I don’t have title insurance!” he snapped.
“Then the best that you can do is either wait it out or see if you can sell it to someone. But if you don’t have that there’s vampires in the paperwork, you can be sued by the buyers.”
“Who would want to buy a castle infested with blood suckers?”
“I don’t know, Mr. Black. Maybe somebody with more dollars than cents,” I punned. I glanced out the window to watch the setting sun. “Mr. Black, are you at the castle now?”
“Of course not!” he bragged, as a large iron gate slammed shut near him, loud enough I heard it on the phone. “I’m in the courtyard.”
The sun dipped below the horizon.Â
“What was that?” he demanded. “Show yourself!”
I sighed again. “Mr. Black, you should get back in your car.”
“Wait! Don’t! Stop!” He screamed, then gurgled, finally falling to silence.
“Hello?” a cultured male’s voice asked.
“Look, dude, you can’t keep selling the castle to random rich idiots to feast on,” I grumbled.
The man laughed, warm and cozy with a hint of danger. “But it’s easier than ordering takeout.”
“That’s because you ate the last few delivery drivers that came to your castle.”
It sounded like he was picking his teeth. “Rich guys are tastier than drivers. Their fat is more marbled than the stringy meat of a worker.”
I smacked my palm to my face. “One of these days, you’re going to eat the wrong person, and they’re just going to burn the castle down without caring about the consequences.”
“As long as they keep calling you, we’ll be okay.”
“Seriously, lose my card.” I hung up and tossed another piece of popcorn into the air.
This is a further later part of the Robin Hood story from part 003. This part does include spoilers if you do not want to read below. 
“You can’t fix this!” I screamed at the three men, my heart tearing to shreds from the capture of my people. “The world is broken, and there’s nothing a washed-up Wizard, a forgotten King, or a disgraced Knight can do about it!”
None of them said anything in return, each not meeting my eyes.
I grabbed my face in my hands as I collapsed to the ground.
Arthur reached forward to catch me but hesitated.
I cried as I tried to think of any way that would save my people from the Emperor’s vengeance. The rebellion was mine to uphold, and my people will be the ones to pay the price of its failure.
“He’s going to execute them,” I said through my weeping tears. “And they’re innocent, damn it!”
“We didn’t think that—“ Merlin started to say, but I cut him off.
“You’re damn right you didn’t think! I told you that there was no going against the Emperor, but you three gave me ideas and hope! Now, I have to decide whether to sacrifice my people or myself to appease the bastard!” I knew what I needed to do and what I was willing to do. I pulled myself up to my feet, hot tears streaming down my cheeks. “Go back to Avalon. Go back to that utopia where you had no worries or cares about others around you. You’d never survive in the wastelands without a guide, and I’m done trying to help.” I pushed passed the three of them, but Modred grabbed my upper arm.
“We can still fight this,” he said.
I shook my head. “No, we can’t. And don’t try to make me believe that there is anything left in the world but despair.” I yanked my arm from him and left them in the cave to decide their own fates.
I wandered through the hunks of metal that lined the cracked asphalt from bygone times. I dried my face when I found the Sheriff standing at the entrance of the castle town. “Sheriff.”
He tilted his hat to me. “Robin. Are you here to turn yourself in?”
“No, but Princess Olivia is.” I put my arms in front of me.
He snapped irons on my wrists. “I wish it could have gone any other way, your Highness, but the game stops here.” He led me through the streets, a parade of shame for the jeering masses.
After an hour, he took me into the castle, the building of stone and steel that acted as my prison for most of my life until I became Robin Hood. The nobles who sided with the Emperor spoke behind their hands to gossip about the mess I made.
I stared at the ground, no longer feeling like I could fix the kingdom that the war between the Emperor and my family ripped apart.
“Announcing Sheriff Philip and Princess Olivia,” the guard shouted into the throne room as his fellows opened the giant doors.
The broken tile gleamed under the candlelight as the filthy carpet, stained with blood, met my feet.
I stood up straight and pulled myself from the Sheriff. “I can walk the rest of the way.”
He stayed close in case it was a trap, but at least he listened.
I marched up to the base if the raise dais, standing tall with all the dignity and grace of the Princess of a fallen kingdom.
“Ah, if it isn’t my favorite knave. Come to steal from me again?” the Emperor asked with humor in his voice. He tossed some coins to me. “I am magnanimous, Princess. I would’ve just given it to you without this kind of bloodshed. Instead, you chose treason. How do you plead?”
I stared straight into his eyes. “I plead guilty but request leniency for the innocent people who are charged for my crimes.”
“No!” Gwain yelled from where he and the rest of the knights were bound by chains.
“Leniency?” He laughed, the other nobles adding their nervous voices to his. He stood up and walked down to me, standing over me. “You ask for clemency, yet you don’t even know how to ask.” He leaned down and whispered in my ear, “Kneel before me, Princess.” He backed up and waited to see what I do.
I struggled to get to my knees, so the Emperor helped me by kicking the back of my legs. I fell forward with bruising force.
He put his foot on my shoulder and pushed my chest and face to the floor. “Now, that’s better. Ask me again what you want.”
I gritted my teeth but spoke with a clear voice, “Your Imperial Majesty, could you find it in your magnanimous soul to accept my guilt and release those who have been accused of my crime?”
He took his foot off of me, but I stayed still, praying that he would be pleased enough to do as I asked. “You say they’re innocent?”
“Yes, your Greatness.”
“What about the innocent people your side killed?”
I blinked and sat up, unsure what he was talking about, “What—“
“I’m talking about the people killed for your rebellion!” he roared. “Those who died because of your foolish crusade. You ask for those on your side to be saved, while never thinking anything about those you and yours murdered!” He grabbed me by the collar and pulled me to my feet. “You plead for them, but what of the blood they shed for you? Are you claiming their sins as yours?”
“Is it a sin to stand up to tyranny and those who fight to protect it?”
He backhanded me hard enough that I fell back to the ground, my mouth bleeding. He drew his sword and pointed it at my throat. He shifted his hand and cut my face instead. “If you had shown any sense of guilt, I might’ve accepted your plea. But there’s no remorse in your heart.” He looked to the knights. “Execute them all.”
