#writing exercize

I already came to terms with that fact. I yelled, I cried, I pleaded, but eventually I simply accepted the inevitable, knowing that I wasn't the only one contracting that illness in a long shot and that this plague would add me to its ever-growing number of victims, as it did with anyone before me and how it will keep doing so till a vaccine is found in the next years, with my only hope being that the tests they're doing to me as I sleep will be of any use.

So, now I rest here, in the room I am quarantined it, going with the same routine everyday : wake up, look at the ceiling for a few hours, greet the hazmat suit wearing medic here to change my catheter and clean me a bit, have gods know what injected into me and then deal with excruciating pain until I get to sleep again. A boring, tiring routine that will only end when my life will, sprinkled with fake smiles and pitiful gazes from those who keep telling me that 'it will get better' and 'we're very close to a cure', lies that aren't even hidden too well, not even behing that heavy protective suit and that just make me wish they were more honest and direct with these things.

There was a silver lining, however. A very small one, but one that at least entertained me during my waking hours by giving me something to do, focusing away for a time from my impeding end and instead enjoying something I've been lacking since I came here – company.

I still am not sure if she...he...they're real or not. With all they were pumping into me, hallucinating would be one of the least problematic side effects, but there was something about this...'being', that felt real to me, that felt like this was no hallucination or fever induced dream, nor a trick of my tired brain. Yet I knew only I could see them, because if it wasn't so the doctors would have been surprised to see a being in a black, old styled mourning dress, complete with a dark see-through veils that hid their face well.

They stood at the other side of the room, directly in front of my bed, holding their hands low and making no sound whatsoever; they didn't talk, move nor breathe, standing in place like a mannequin of a widow. Their dress made me think at first that it was a woman, but I couldn't see any proof of that from where I stood, leaving me with that doubt and with the question of who it was, what it was doing there, why only I could apparently see it as its figure grew from a faded silhouette to a clear body. So many questions I wanted to ask but didn't, my throat killing me when I dared to inhale with my mouth and my body at this point barely able to move, preventing me from even gesturing at the being in front of me.

Frustrated, one day I decided to ignore how much it hurt and open my mouth. Yet, before I could part my lips more than a single inch, it moved from against the wall and stepped towards me until it was at my left, allowing me to better see that covered visage; red softly glowing slit irises contoured by black corneas that never left my own gaze, an expression that could only be described as 'neutral' and unnatural grey skin. Something out of a film or book for sure, yet so very 'real' to me, to the point I questioned whenever or not I could still tell what was a dream and what was reality.

I tried once more to force my voice to escape my throat, but once more it was met with the being moving to halt me, this time with its right index placing itself onto my mouth and silencing me with how cold it was. It was quite 'normal' for it to be such, however – it lacked anything from skin to muscle, bone being all that was there, unlike her left hand.

“Do not speak.” It requested in a tone matching its neutral gaze, but with a voice that only compounded on my confusion on its gender as it sounded as if two people, one male and one female, were speaking in unison. “I know your questions, and we shall answer them. You wish to know who we am, why we am here, and why, is that correct?” As it spoke, it placed her left, normal hand in my own, its gaze never leaving mine. “Please, squeeze my hand once for 'yes', two for 'no'.” It took me a bit of effort, but I squeezed that hand once, thankful that it seemed to understand the struggles that I had with talking.

“We am the one you call 'Death'. We are here in wait of your departure, to collect your soul from your living shell when it expires and keep it safe till  your fate is decided.”

I froze. Death was there? So it was my time already? Yet I could still feel my lungs being jabbed by the cold, sterilized air I was breathing in and the beeping of the machine next to me, so it couldn't be true, right? An answer came immediately, as if it was expecting it. “You have yet to die, but the shell your soul reside will not last for much longer.” It stated. “We are here to keep watch upon it and act upon its expiring, collecting your soul when it leaves the broken shell and protecting it till the time comes.”

At those words, I remembered something, one of the reasons for me to consider this being nothing but a creation of my mind. A memory of this being standing where she was before, as two entities bickered about who had the rights to take my soul to their reign. One claimed that I was a sinner and I deserved eternal punishment as the other fought for the opposite – both yelling their motivation and insults to the other without caring about how it was affecting me and my aching head up until the entity finally acted, revealing a black and a white angelic wings and declaring that 'It was neither the time or place for such discussions'  and that they had to leave till a decision was made. I've yet to know if it did it for me or if it just grew irritated of those two, but I was grateful to her for shutting them up.

As I was recollecting those memories, it continued to speak. “We come when one's shell is about to expire, and only those can see us.” One by one, it answered the questions I had, as if it was reciting a script they rehearsed over and over again. “We are not able to take you away with us 'till said shell expires, or till we have permission.”

“So, we ask of you : do you wish to abandon this plagued shell, or do you wish to live in it till it can no longer sustain your soul?”

I had a choice, now. To leave that body and die, or remain in it and suffer until my natural end. In both cases, there was no escape from it. “Refuse, and we shall remain here till the time comes. We cannot say whenever or not during this time you'll be cured of your affliction, as we have no way to see in the future.” she continued, noticing my doubts and my confusion while showing a side I never expected a being like this to have.

When you think of death, you think about something inevitable. Be it for old age, illness like me, incidents...it was something that would one day reach anyone of us, and already reached my family in the past thanks to this cursed plague. Yet, many people always saw their death as a fated 'ending', something they could not change or fight against; if fate said you would die of something, you would – death would make sure of it.

And yet, here I was, with the embodiment of it giving me options. Granted, they weren't much, but it implied that death itself didn't decide how or when one would die, but rather simply watched over their souls, collecting them once their...shell expired, in the words of death itself.

“We are not harbinger of pain and misery.” It spoke, either proving that it was reading my mind or that such questions were so common it could predict when one was about to ask them. “We simply perform our duty, watching over every living being until they cease to be so. We find no enjoyment on one expiring, no pleasure in taking souls. We have a duty, and we perform it.”

I listened carefully while evaluating my options. I could let it all go, as there was nothing for me anymore. Family? Even if any of them were still alive, they would never be able to visit me. Love? I had someone who I wanted to finally confess to, but it was too late. I didn't had any pet either, nothing that the illness didn't take away. Could my body however be of any use? How many others were there and how many were being used as test subjects for possible vaccines?

“We cannot answer.” They spoke when acknowledging my silent questions. “We are everywhere one's expiration is imminent, but each expiration is different and personal. We cannot comment or speak about others to who we watch over, as it would be meddling with the affairs of the living world.” Something I expected, but was still worth a shot.

“However, we can say one thing.” She continued, bringing her skeletal hand onto her chest. “Death is both an end and a new beginning. Whichever direction your soul will be taken, it will eventually return to this world, in an neverending cycle, as dictated by Them.”

Them? I wanted to ask, but it shock their head, silently telling me they couldn't answer that either.

“You have been in this cycle for seventy-three times, with your soul being accepted into what you call 'heavens' a total fifty-two times, and to what you call hell for twenty-one times. Upon reaching your hundred cycle, you shall be able to choose a different path.”

Seventy-three times? So this being...well, of course it knew such things. Why would I be surprised? Thought, hearing of a 'different' path confused me – wasn't the cycle eternal? My questions certainly seemed to be, much like the patience of the one holding my hand, which explained what it meant after a small pause to let me rest. “Such path will allow you to break the cycle, to become either an 'angel' or 'devil', depending on how many times your soul was brought to the 'heavens' or 'hell'. Be wary, however, that we're simply using words you can understand, which do not fully describe what either is.

A soul who was 'good' will be brought to a kingdom of light where it can rest. A soul who was 'bad' will be brought to a kingdom of darkness where it shall atone through punishment until it can access the realm of light. A soul deemed 'unforgivable', 'corrupted' or 'lost', however, shall be crushed and removed from any cycle.”

My confusion didn't grow any thinner. So, heaven and hell were real, but neither was as we thought? Yet they sounded so similar...and what would an unforgivable soul even be? One which committed deeds so gruesome that they couldn't be atoned for? What classified as that? These questions got no answer as it quickly moved onto something else, yet another pact.

“...Some souls, however, decide not to join either. Some decide to live in limbo, where we live. They decide to join us in our duty, learning how to protect souls. For we are not one, but a collective. We are many, but act as one. We help the dying, and save their soul from becoming lost into this world and become what you people call 'ghost' and we call 'corrupted'.

To describe us, a soul once called us 'Legion'. For we are one, yet many. We work as one, yet we are many.”

If I had the ability to speak, I would be unable to do so now. It was a lot of info all at once, yet the more she spoke, the more I felt like I knew these things already, and everything made sense. I knew these things already, because she told them to me for seventy-three times. Because I've been given birth seventy-four times and died seventy-three of them. And I would hear it once more till the cycle was broken, till I lived, and died, and lived, and died.

“...Your hour is approaching. Your shell is about to collapse. We gave you an option, but your body took it away.” As she spoke, I noticed how the beeping of the machine changed into a constant noise. How my body couldn't move, and everything felt limp. My eyes were open, but I didn't blink. I didn't breathe.

I was dead.

It took me a few minutes to accept it, but as the doctors that already visited me entered the room in a hurry, as they began to do their best to revive me, I accepted it. And even with such agitation around me, the word of the one holding my hand was all I could hear.

“...We shall give you a different choice.” It spoke once more, her skeletic hand moving with the other to hold my hand.

“Do you wish to continue the cycle? Or do you wish to join us?” A clear question, as devoid of any emotion as its voice has been until now, continuing the same script of before. Memories of my past lives flooded onto my mind, everything I did coming back to me. And there we were, once more, with me about to decide what to do.

I thought about it in silence for a while. Thought about the being holding my hand. Thought about what the future might hold. And then, I decided.

“I want to join you.” I knew that I was thinking about doing so at least since ten lives ago. Yet even now I couldn't tell if I desire such thing to break the cycle, to not experience pain again or simply to stand to the side of this being that for so many times it helped me pass over the next cycle, holding my hand, telling me my options, being there as I 'expired'.

“...Very well.” It spoke, its skeletal hand placing itself onto my chest and---

Holding a sparkling sphere in its hands, the being closed its eyes, as its body released the disguised it had. A snake like tail replaced its lower torso, the tail a good three meters of length. Its clothes disappeared, revealing a featureless body that couldn't be associated to neither concept of male or female that humans had. Long blonde hair grew till its hips, while wings, one black and one white, grew on its back. It still held the soul of the human between its hand, as it let out a long sigh. “You have decided to become part of us. By Their rule, you shall became my disciple. You will learn how we act, how we live, how we work. You shall be reborn as part of us, and shall protect the souls through their cycle.”