It’s WRENCH again. Sitara told me to stop logging into her account, so Hawt Sauce offered to HELP ME lock her out to deliver some major news. No doubt I AM IN major trouble with the boss-lady and she’s working hard as HELL to get back in, so time is severely limited here. By the way, she keeps making fun of my use of caps, but that’s making fun of my self-expression. Shame on her. And ShE caN’t stand it when they are maDe compleTely random.  Confession time: it tickles tHE old wigglies when she goes into PSYCHotIC rage mode. But hey, At LeAsT I DoN’t AlTeRnAtE eVeRy LeTtEr LiKe I dId In HiGh ScHoOl! OUCH, right?

Onto serious business! I’ve been digging into TONS of research about our local SHUFFLER legend and I’ve mapped it all out scientifically for you. Without further doo-doo, here’s it is in all its TENTACLEd Splendor:

What are those numbers? I’m glad you asked. They are SCIENCE. Pull up a desk and I will educate your brain.  (1) People claim to have seen its face. I have seen PAINTINGS of it. Graffiti. But this is not its face. It’s a dimensional probe, flat so it can slip through the TIMESPACEFOLDS. It has sensory organs on it to report back DATA. (2) Since it is preoccupied with dimensional travel, it must have some kind of badass defensive system. I went with BLOWFISH spikes because spikes > ALL. (3)  It must have tentacles. SCIENCE demands it. (4) I spent a lot of time in a lot of books trying to figure out why it makes shuffling noises. It turns out animals with a lot of wiGGly things probably shuffle. SCIENCE. I call them shufflation appendagery. (5) If Spielberg taught us anything, it’s that other dimensions produce a kind of SLIME-WOMB barrier that leaves you SOAKED when you come back out. The shuffler probably has dimensional PARASITES that eat it all up after he’s back from travel. It’s very likely some of them followed it through when it probed, so I’m watching for them. 

You know, even though the Shuffler is WITHOUT A SINGLE POSSIBLE DOUBT, ONE-HUNNARD-PERCENT real, I like to keep a healthy skepticism before I get excited about things. That’s just who I am.  But you guys were RIGHT. I can hear BENNY in the ambient sounds of idle machinery. But hey---healthy SKEPTICISM... Josh has given me a cleaned up file of some audio that was running on another frequency next to Benny's laptop to share with you guys.

Here >> http://bit.ly/AudioSitaraTumblr

SHUFFLITES, you never cease to AMAZE! It’s fan-FREAKIN-tastic to get this kind of DedSec support (EpicStreamMan, I’m lookin’ at you! BTW, I always read that as EPIC STEAM MAN which is even more epic). We know this isn’t a hoax, and we’re going to PROVE it.  Once we do—we’ll… lock ourselves up in padded rooms and wish to BAJEEBUS we were wrong. ANYWAYS. The TRUTH is everything!

INinja_DragonI has been talking to Benny… from the OTHER DIMENSION. Yes, Benny. WE HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR. But now what?! Skauron’s been hearing Benny around the hackerspace, which is both terrifying and completely terrifying. Also a lead. Does anybody have a spirit board? Josh and I are going to PROBE these noise, but we could use some help. I know Lumi’s on the case with her VERY PARTICULAR SET OF SKILLS.

KlockoBL has been finding some suspiciously named files out there using a hex editor. Something about a PORTAL. This is HUGE. Was this part of the original investigation before our TRAGIC TEENS were swallowed up? Is this portal their way out? Or our way IN? He seems to think it’s related to a specific time. This COMPLETELY lines up with my own research – Shuffler activity goes NUCKING FUTS in the early spring months with most documented disappearances in APRIL. Let’s hope KLOCK0 lives up to his name and figures out a timeline here.

We’ve got DizzyDave studying those WHACKED OUT symbols people keep finding. Will he crack the code?

Legend has it this thing does NOT take kindly to people snooping, so if you hear SHUFFLING, run. And stay away from cracks. In the walls. In the sidewalk. Loan your plumber a belt, because it’s NOT worth the risk, people!!!

JOIN US:

Reddit

THE SHUFFLER IS REAL! Don’t let Sitara FOOL you.

(Hi kiddies, this is your friendly neighborhood HANDSOME-PYROMANIAc-gENIUS, WRENCH!)

Okay. Sitara told you all about Benny, right? College kid. SMART. Bit of a doofus. All around great DedSec member. He disappeared. DISAPPEARED! And so did his BEST BUDDIES. Him and three other kids. The Shuffler 4.

I KNOW he was looking into the Shuffler when he disappeared. He was KEEPINg NOTES and making MAPS of the CITY and s @#$. We STILL have his computer with some of his files. Kid encrypted them pretty good, but I’m SURE we’ll find some INTERESTING s@#$ in there.

Some people are saying it’s just a bunch of flakey kids RUNNING AWAY and they’ll show up again. Well, they WON’T. Not unless we find them! I mean, shit. Even THEIR FAMILIES are GIVING UP on them now. We went to Benny’s FUNERAL. They didn’t even have a body!