#would date again

I almost bailed on this date yesterday. We were supposed to meet when I was in Portland already for a TB test, and then he ended up having early rehearsal, so he wanted to meet at 9 instead. There was no way I would have driven back and forth to Portland twice for a guy I didn't know, except that I had already done my eye makeup and it looked really good and if I didn't go on a date it would have only been for the benefit of the TB test guy.

So I get to this bar (I have now been to the same bar on three separate dates with three separate men and it's only so long before the bartender ladies start winking at me, but I decided it's my good-luck bar since it's right next to the Center) and wait. I always get there before the date, because the only thing worse than waiting for him to arrive and nervously adjusting your clothes every five seconds is nervously walking over to him and not having time to adjust your clothes at all. He ends up sneaking up on me (not on purpose) and tapping me on the shoulder.

He has a lot of bright colors on, which fits the exuberant personality type I expended from his Tinder info (actor, stupid jokes) but it turns out what doesn't fit that is his actual personality. He does make stupid (good) jokes, but his overall demeanor has a weird tinge of gravitas and he speaks in a way that is measured but with weighty pauses just short of being stilted, kind of like Obama, and also like my ex-friend Nassim, which wigged me out a bit, but we'll get to that later.

I am VERY awkward on dates. People I know who think I'm more or less well-adjusted have never been on a date with me. And it's not even cute awkward because I try super hard to pretend I'm not being awkward, like somehow neither of us will notice. And at the end of the date I'm wiped out from faking it and have set a precedent for faking it on the next date. It's not surprising that I don't accept a lot of second dates.

But I have decided that I'm sick on going on ten million first dates that go exactly the same way, and so I'm going to do something fundamentally different for every date. This time I decided to embrace the awkwardness. Own it. Rock it. And hope it came out more Jess from New Girl than Rebecca from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. "I'm super awkward around new people," I announced boldly (lied; not awkward around new people, awkward on first dates) after the first incredibly awkward thing I said (pretty sure I asked him if actors just cry all the time or something). Boom. Now he knew and I didn't feel as much of a need to maintain a conspiracy that he was meeting a normal human being in this bar.

He had really pretty, deep brown eyes and he was big on eye contact, which meant I kept getting flustered and acting like I was suddenly fascinated by the bumper stickers on the wall and forgetting what I was saying. He had a tiny bald spot (scar) in his stubble exactly the size of the pad of my forefinger and I really wanted to poke him in it. He had a giant shoulder bag made to look like a box of Nerds that definitely didn't go with his weirdly somber-ish-but-not-in-a-bad-way demeanor. He kept using the word 'fool' but once substituted it for 'nimrod.' He told me the most bizarre story I have ever heard on a date (including the campaign manager who got a call about the media release of his candidate's kinks), about how some old guy demanded to know his ethnicity in the gym one time when he was nineteen and somehow became his 'patron' (he actually used that word) and did things like buy him cars and give him thousands of dollars and take him out to dinner and shave his back (yes, actually.) He said he liked my hair. He asked very formally outside the bar if he could kiss me on the mouth, and he STILL DID after I took like a five-minute shrill giggling break before saying yes. He held my fingertips lightly while he was doing it.

Part of me wonders (and all of me is annoyed about it) if part of my attraction to him is because of his similarities to Nassim. (Like a hotter version.) I am so so sick of having any sorts of thoughts or feelings about Nassim, but they still crop up from time to time, like herpes. Maybe I DID have some sort of feelings for him and that's why our relationship felt so intense. I wish the want-to-fuck divide (he did, I didn't) wasn't such a make-or-break-it for defining emotions and the arbiter of what is and isn't considered romantic. I still miss him, WHICH IRRITATES THE HELL OUT OF ME, but he really was basically my non-sexual boyfriend after Amit. Our friends even called me his platonic wife. And even though he was insecure and neurotic and obsessive and the definition of a shitty male feminist, he was also there for me when I needed someone.

ANYWAY. Khalil (KhaLIL not KhaLEEL, which I am so relieved I read on his instagram before the date because I totally read a book recently with a character named Khalil and I was saying KhaLEEL in my head the whole time) makes me feel how I think you're supposed to feel after a good first date, kind of excited and wanting to know more about them. But I've also felt this way about other first dates and had it fizzle on the second. And I don't know how much of it was actual fizzling and not just me letting my anxiety and hesitations ruin everything. But since owning up to my awkwardness helped on this date, maybe I'll just stick to my guns and fess up every time I feel nervous or scared if we end up hanging out more. Which will be a lot.

One of the most annoying things about first dates is that I have about fifteen minutes of nervousness before the beer kicks in. Through a happy accident, I've realized I can circumvent this by arriving early and getting halfway through my beer before the dude shows up. I've also figured out that if I schedule dates at the bar across the street from the Center for Grieving Children after my training, I don't have to re-park and I arrive with a general attitude of warmth toward humanity, which helps circumvent my general attitude of distaste toward men. It's all about efficiency.

I also did something cool with my hair beforehand. Noticing the effect that looking good has on my behavior drives me nuts, because rational thought dictates that A) I shouldn't care what he thinks of my appearance, B) I should feel like I look good no matter what, and C) confidence shouldn't come from something external. But at the same time, it's nice to have access to that kind of drive-thru self-assuredness that only costs a couple minutes of twisting my hair up in a braidy thing.

Good things about David: he was decently cute, he actually asked questions and carried the conversation at times, he didn't have that fog of social anxiety that activates the same thing in me, he bought my drinks even though I offered to pay, he called me pretty partway through the date and it wasn't weird.

Bad things about David: He was a libertarian. I haven't really known a libertarian since my high school friend Ian who wore a trenchcoat to school and had a basement full of guns. So my first instinct toward libertarians is to make fun of them. Remembering through wincing experience this past year that political men don't enjoy teasing, I (mostly) held this instinct in check and immediately started clearing him of possible dealbreakers.

Pro-choice? Check. Anti-Trump? Check. Pro social services? Check. Unfortunately I forgot to ask him about immigration and trans rights (the terminology that people use when talking about trans people is hugely telling) but I was two beers in at that point. He ran the campaign to get weed legalized in Portland, which is a plus. He moved to Maine initially as part of his work on the Ron Paul campaign - big minus. The last date I went on where the guy voted for Ron Paul, I never texted him back again, but something made me reserve judgement on David. Maybe it was the two beers.

He was open about doing something afterward, which was maybe an invitation to hook up, I don't know, but after two and a half hours of sitting on an uncomfortable bar stool and talking to a libertarian, I pretty much need to go home and eat pizza. He suggested we meet up again but didn't try to kiss me goodbye, which no one ever does?? Do I give off anti-kiss vibes?? (Probably.)

All in all it was one of the more successful dates I've been on. I really want to start checking off those areas of my life where I've been a late bloomer, like driving, sex, dating…and I'm getting a lot better at driving. I would even consider texting him first if he wasn't a libertarian, which bumped him just down to the I'll-go-on-another-date-with-him-if-he-asks-but-won't-really-care-if-he-doesn't category. Which, honestly, is the best that most guys can hope for.