#worstsong

Dirty Paws - Of Monsters and Men

The song so bad that I had to write a line-by-line analysis. Here we go! Actual lyrics in bold.  

  Jumping up and down the floor

Great start. English is a difficult language…

My head is an animal

Cool! What kind? My spirit animal is a moth.

And once there was an animal,

Are we still talking about your head? Or a different head?

It had a son that mowed the lawn.

Must be talking a different head. Did you know in Greek mythology Zeus’s children sprang forth straight out of his dome? They went on to do lots of cool stuff, although not many household chores.

The son was an ok guy,

Lots of acquaintances, but few true friends.

They had a pet dragonfly.

Neat!

The dragonfly it ran away,

Sad. They should call it a dragonrun then. Am I right?

But it came back with a story to say.

Classic use of a cliff hanger here to end the first verse.

Now for an epic pause …

And time to turn up the volume! Her dirty paws and furry coat

Her who?

She ran down the forest slope

Are we still talking about the dragonfly? Seriously, why isn’t she flying? Is it just so you could almost rhyme “coat” with “slope”? Also insects don’t have paws. I’m putting your poetic license on probation.

The forest of talking trees

Neat!

They used to sing about the birds and the bees

As in like sex ed? Or literally…

The bees had declared a war

I guess we’re being literal.

The sky wasn’t big enough for them all

Well that’s absurd. But then what else can you rhyme with “war” besides “all”???

The birds, they got help from below

Birds. Are. Dicks.

From dirty paws and the creatures of snow

Oooo white walkers. Nice. This song is kinda like Game of Thrones!

And so we end verse two on another cliff hanger. Who will win World War Tree? Let’s take it to the bridge-

La la la. La la la la.

Sheer genius. You know that story about World War I? The one where it’s Christmas and war weary soldiers on both sides put down their guns, climbed out of their trenches and met in the middle of the battlefield to sing carols together and share their rations and reclaim their humanity for one brief but magical moment. That’s what this bridge reminds me of. Alas, all good things must end…

And for a while things were cold

Winter came.

They were scared down in their holes

I think bees hibernate in holes. I think that’s a fact. But do they feel fear? Has anyone ever seen a bee retreat?

The forest that once was green

…is probably not green now. Because it’s winter, right?

Was colored black by those killing machines

Wait what?! What killing machines??? The ones you failed to introduce anywhere previously? THOSE machines? Well I guess sometimes minor details do get lost when you write a ton of drafts of a thing, as I’m sure was the case with this masterpiece. So what are we talking here- robots, industrial capitalists, or something even more sinister?

But she and her furry friends

I guess we’ll never know. I guess we’ll never know who the protagonist of this song is, either. We’re breaking down literary walls here, people. You’ve heard of third person. You’re familiar with first person. Now we have… worst person. This story is literally being told by the worst person.

Took down the queen bee and her men.

So at this point (I think) it’s: bees vs. birds, ice zombies, and furry woodland creatures. Seems a little lopsided.

Don’t forget, however, that the robots or industrial machines or whatever are still out there. But who’s side are they really on? They are the wild card here. Again, why watch Game of Thrones when you can just listen to this song over and over?

And that’s how the story goes

I mean. If you say so. I feel it could use some work.

The story of the beast with those four dirty paws.