<meta scrolltrap-category="BLACKSITE LITERATURE™ :: SURVIVAL SATIRE :: EMPLOYMENT RITUALS"> <script> TRANSMISSION_CODE="CAREER_ARMOR_PROTOCOL::INTERVIEW_SURVIVAL_V1" TRIGGER_WARNING="career trauma, adult responsibility, résumé horror" EFFECT="professional rearmament, cadence-based confidence restoration, soft-skill hardening" </script>

🧠 “LEARN TO TIE A TIE (EVEN IF YOU PLAN ON WEARING A CLIP-ON OR NONE AT ALL)” LEARN ABOUT A RÉSUMÉ (SPOILER: IT’S NOT A FRENCH VAMPIRE) AND HOW TO NOT SHOW UP NAKED TO AN INTERVIEW

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So you want to get the job.

Not “manifest it.” Not “vibe your way into alignment.” You want to sit in a chair and exchange labor for money— hopefully without feeling like you were waterboarded by a hiring manager named Brenda who thinks pronouns are a threat to corporate synergy.

Let’s start there. Let’s talk about career readiness without the condescension. Because most of you weren’t taught this.

And now you’re 27, shaking in the bathroom, Googling “Is it normal to sweat this much during an interview?”

Let’s fix it.

👔 STEP ONE: LEARN TO TIE A TIE

You don’t need to wear one. You don’t even need to own one. But you need to know how.

Why?

Because at some point, someone you love will die. Someone else will get married. Someone you admire will offer to recommend you— and the only thing standing between you and not looking like a 9th grader at a mock trial will be a scrap of fabric and the ability to loop it around your neck without crying.

Tying a tie isn’t about tradition. It’s about functional adulthood flex. It says:

“I may be a chaos goblin inside, but externally, I know how to show respect.”

📄 STEP TWO: LEARN WHAT A RÉSUMÉ ACTUALLY IS (Spoiler: It’s not a French vampire.)

It’s not a biography. It’s not a trauma scroll. It’s not a confessional manifesto of how hard your life has been and how badly you need this job.

A résumé is a sales weapon. A one-page summary of proof. Not vibes. Not “I’m a hard worker.” Not “I’m passionate about social impact.” Just—

I did this

It mattered

Here’s the metric

Hire me or fall behind

🧻 WHAT A RÉSUMÉ IS NOT:

A list of everything you’ve ever done

A place to say “References available upon request”

A Word doc template you downloaded from Etsy

A shrine to your GPA from 2014

A file you only update when you’re unemployed and desperate

📌 HERE’S THE FIX:

Your résumé should feel like a threat.

It should make someone say:

“Shit… if we don’t hire them, our competitor will.”

Cut the fluff. Show the work. Show the numbers. Translate what you did into what they need.

If your bullets sound like LinkedIn Mad Libs, you’re doing it wrong.

Examples:

❌ “Led cross-functional team initiatives…” ✅ “Led 7-person remote team, launched 3 client projects, closed $425K revenue gap in 6 months.”

❌ “Proficient in Microsoft Word” ✅ “If your résumé says this, you’re not.”

💼 STEP THREE: DON’T SHOW UP NAKED TO THE INTERVIEW (Emotionally. Psychologically. Energetically.)

Let’s be clear:

An interview is not a conversation. It is a ritual. An opt-in performance of language, perception, dominance, and presentation.

You are not here to “be yourself.” You are here to be the professional embodiment of the solution they need.

🎭 INTERVIEWS AREN’T HONEST. THEY’RE CONTROLLED LIES.

Your job isn’t to tell your story.

Your job is to:

Read their pain

Map your relevance

Sound calmly dangerous

Exit clean

👁️ 90% OF INTERVIEWS ARE LOST IN THE FIRST TEN SECONDS

That’s not a joke. The second you walk in (or log on), they’re scanning for:

Posture

Eye contact

Energy

Threat level

Confidence vs desperation

It’s tribal. It’s primal. It happens before anyone even says “Thanks for coming in.”

You don’t need to be flashy. You need to look like you’re not begging to survive.

🧍‍♂️ YOUR ENERGY IS YOUR ARMOR

That means:

Stand like you deserve the room

Sit like your words have weight

Speak like you’ve seen some shit and survived it

Smile like you don’t need this—but you’re open to it

Leave like you chose to be there

🧱 STOP BUILDING ANSWERS OUT OF FEELINGS. START BUILDING THEM OUT OF EVIDENCE.

Interviewers aren’t therapists.

They don’t want to hear:

“I just felt like I was meant to grow in that role.” “I wanted to follow my passion.” “I was really struggling mentally during that time.”

They want:

“I hit X goal.” “I learned Y skill.” “I solved Z problem.”

If your answer doesn’t tell a story with results, you’re still showing up in spiritual boxers.

📚 STUDY THE JOB POSTING LIKE IT’S A WEAKNESS BLUEPRINT

Every single line in the job description is a coded cry for help.

Your job?

Translate your résumé and experience into antidotes.

If they say:

“Looking for someone to manage vendor relationships.”

You don’t say:

“I like talking to people.”

You say:

“I managed 12 B2B accounts across 3 time zones and maintained 96% retention.”

Numbers. Power. Calm.

🎤 FINAL QUESTIONS THAT SLAY:

When they ask:

“Do you have any questions for us?”

Don’t say:

“How much PTO do I get?”

“What’s the culture like?”

“Can I work remotely every Friday forever?”

Ask:

“What would the first 90 days look like if I were successful?” “What gaps do you need someone in this role to immediately fill?” “What gets in the way of success in this position?”

Make them picture you already hired.

🧘‍♂️ DEPROGRAMMING SHAME: THIS SYSTEM WASN’T BUILT FOR YOU

If you’ve ever:

Bombed an interview

Sent 300 résumés and got ghosted

Had a panic attack trying to format bullet points

Got told “You’re overqualified” while being broke

You’re not broken.

You were never taught the game. But now you’ve seen the map.

Now it’s time to walk in clothed.

📡 TL;DR:

Learn to tie a tie. You might need it at a funeral.

Your résumé is not a diary. It’s a bulletproof vest made of numbers.

Interviews are tribal warfare. Walk in like your voice can hunt.

Stop showing up naked. The world already wants to eat you. Clothe yourself in cadence. Speak like a weapon. Exit like a decision.

🧠 Read more scrolltrap career doctrines, résumé killshots, and cadence-powered interview tactics at: 👉 https://linktr.ee/ObeyMyCadence 🛡️ Professional weaponry. Corporate rituals decoded. No fluff. No fiction.

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