Dear Mark
I'm sorry for coming into your life and screwing it up. For being the whirlwind you teased who festered into an intoxicating haze. I'm sorry for agreeing to benefits when I knew I couldn't cut the strings. And I'm mostly sorry for not leaving you alone after throwing up the contents of my stomach out the side of your car crying over the best friend who broke both our hearts. I am not a nightmare and not even close to poetic. Im just a confused girl whose learning to retake control of her life. But you drive me crazy. Haven't you wondered why I can call everyone and be rejected to hang out instead of calling you, the friend who has always been there. I wish I could describe how badly I tried. Scrolling past your contact chewing my bottom lip and then I remembered the first time I admitted I liked you. And how idiotic I felt rereading your pity text. I could never ask for you again. And I didn't. No matter how many nights I closed my eyes wishing I could be the normal type and how you didn't see how messed up I was inside. I still smiled and prayed that you could smile and someone was making sure you were told how awesome you were everyday. Because I couldn't. You didn't want me and I would never make the mistake of letting you think I still did. But then you touched me. You laughed and smiled up at me and dammit mark you ass you turned everything upside down. I can still feel your hands and mine tangled in your hair. I felt like walking on the sun I was so happy. Not because your touch left me weak but because you smiled up at me like you smiled when you talked about her. I wanted to believe you finally saw something in me. I didn't want to jump into your arms and ride into the sunset. No I just wanted to lay on your chest and hear you heartbeat. I wanted to be in the crowd and watch you smile instead of thinking how many snide comments would could make at each other. The more I thought about it the more I told myself I was being smart. That's what we were doing. Until I realized I had your dick in my mouth more times then I can count these past few days and I've never tasted your lips once. I had written you a letter the same day I gave David and McGee their cards. But I never gave it to you because you were an ass and I didn't want to be embarrassed again. I think at this point, I'm past that. It says silly nothings until the last paragraph. The last 4 sentences tells you just how much you mean to me and how much you meant before I even knew your name. Like this letter, they are sentences you'll never read. I'm not in love with you mark but I have more love for you then any other person I've ever met. Normally when I crush, i crush hard. I had to be in love because what else could it have been. But you are so much more then a crush. Just a guy that the attraction was to strong and I've never been a strong person. I run, I've always ran. So again I'm sorry. You deserve not just a better girl but a better friend. The moment I found out you were hurt because what I said about David in my drunken haze broke my heart. To the those who stuck with these words heed my warning. Life is awful but it is just as wonderful. The people you meet just the same. But when you come across someone your not sure is more of one or the other that you can't stop thinking about or hoping for. Someone who, despite all the shit you've thrown at them, still stands beside you. Trust your heart not your head.
