Step One || Self-Para
Setting: Trixie Apartment, 2:17 PM, April 13th, 2018 Triggers: Alcoholism and Alcohol Detox Note: It jumps around and isn’t very coherent at times, but that was done on purpose since that’s pretty typical for a detox mindset. Mentions: @ari0estrada and @charlie-bee Cut for Length (1078 words) and Triggers
Trixie didn't want to get up.
Really, she didn't want to do anything as she laid on the bed, wishing that she could just fall asleep. She hadn't slept very much since she had gotten there. Or to be exact, she hadn't done much of anything. Except cry, and sweat, and shake, and think over and over that this had been a horrible idea.
Even though it wasn't.
It had been three days since she had the detox nurse move in. Three days that she had been sober. And three days that she really wished that she could have a drink and just make all of this stop. Plus it would probably make Savannah stop lecturing about hydration while shoving water and Powerade at her all day. Which as she heard the nurse start her way up the stairs again, Trixie really wished that she was up for throwing a pillow at her.
"Come on, drink this cup and I won't bother you for another hour, alright?" Savannah coaxed, which only made the woman roll her eyes before grabbing the cup and starting to sip it. It was at least better than having to listen to the lecture that she was pretty sure that she could quote by heart now. "You know I was thinking that now that you're starting to do better that you could invite..."
"No," Trixie immediately interrupted, "I don't want anyone else here for this."
There had been a number of reasons that Trixie had chosen this program. The fact that it wouldn't get out to the press because she wouldn't be checking in anywhere. The fact that they seemed to be very consistent in making sure that she'd be okay. The fact that she would still be able to see Lady every day. But most of all that they had a very strict privacy clause and she could be sure that nobody would find out what was going on. Not until she was ready. And Trixie wasn't yet. She didn't want the pity, she didn't want the looks, she didn't want people to start assuming her issues. And even though she knew that her friends would try to be supportive, Trixie wasn't sure that she wanted to hear it yet. She didn't know if their support would help, she didn't know if she wanted to constantly talk about it yet.
It was still new to her.
Trixie had been denying that she had a problem for months. Even though it had probably been years that she'd just been avoiding thinking about it. Figuring that she had enough control, that she finally was able to be herself that she could do whatever she wanted. And it just became something entirely different. And she'd pushed Charlie away when she tried to help, even though Trixie still stood by her feeling that her friend (or maybe ex-friend the woman didn't really even know where they stood anymore) really hadn't gone the right way in helping her out. Talking to Ari had helped it all click but even then she still wanted to deny it. Which had led to the experiment: try to go a week without drinking, which she quickly narrowed down to three days, which she then narrowed down to one day and even then Trixie failed.
Multiple times.
And that was finally what convinced her that there actually was a problem. Finally had convinced her to get help. And that led her to laying out on the bed while Savannah watched TV and clearly got the better end of this deal. For a moment, Trixie almost debated letting someone else know what was going on, have them come over and help, but again shot that down for the millionth time in her head. This was her problem, she was the one that had to deal with it. Nobody else had to know.
Nobody else needed to know.
Nobody else could accidentally reveal it if they had no idea what was going on. That thought hadn't even dawned on her until now, maybe just because the withdrawal symptoms weren't as bad as they had been the day before. But the idea that she couldn't trust anyone with this part of her life was nothing new, Trixie was used to it. And maybe that was another part of the problem, but it wasn't something that she really wanted to focus on now. Maybe she could bury that and not think about it, though Trixie had a feeling that wasn't the case either. Everything was starting to jumble up in her mind again as she finished her cup of Powerade and put it on her dresser as she curled back up on her bed again.
Lady was asleep on the other side of the bed as usual as Trixie sighed. She hated feeling alone. She hated feeling sick. She hated feeling like once again she was going to be a disappointment once people found out. She'd felt that way about her sexuality for so long, that even though it was out there, she knew how much of a disappointment it was to some people. Not to mention the fact that her abdicating had left a rift in the royal family as they tried to work everything out. And while they had the two weddings and a baby that were all happening soon, Trixie knew that was as much positive PR as they could shove out as they were working out everything behind the scenes. Figuring out a gameplan to make sure that she didn't ruin everything.
And that if this got out, it'd make things even worse. Which was the last thing that Trixie wanted to do.
Forcing the sleepy dog to cuddle her, Trixie wished again that she was just a normal person. That she didn't have to worry about all of this. That she didn't have to worry about how all of her problems would be perceived. That she didn't have to worry about how her actions would reflect on a family that didn't even truly accept her anymore. And with a yawn, she finally started to doze off. She knew that sleep wasn't going to law very long, but it at least would be a relief from how confusing her mind could be. Slowly as she dozed off, Trixie tried to tell herself that everything would eventually be okay.
And wondered if there would ever be a day that she actually believed those words.
