#wontletitgo

Everything has come back, all over again

I thought its a reset and I will never go back to the blackhole again.

But all of it is back.

Same negativity, same hopelessness, same excuses, same self pity,

Like I was for last 5 years.

I clearly remember the start of feeling down day before yesterday, when I called you.

I thought it will go away but it didn't

Cried all night for last two nights

Slept at 5am.

All courage, motivation and positivity I gathered with SO MUCH EFFORT

Everything is gone, in a moment.

Looks like I can never really win the depression battle.

Looks like it will consume my entire life.

In past 2 months, I read and googled only positive things, success stories.

And since last two days, even my browsing history is same as it was when I lived in Noida and felt pathetic.

I was of the opinion that I can fight it, and I have found the way out, and its all under your own control, and no person or situation can push you down, until you decide to fall yourself.

But its very discouraging to know, that maybe there is no way out

Maybe its not me who is in control of it

Its discouraging to know the control still lies in something external.

I want to push it all aside, rebel, and take back the charge again.

And refuse to give control.

Maybe its possible or the only way out again.

But I feel very exhausted to pull it back together all over again, its just easier to shatter and keep crying.

Also, Iv grieved and pitied and cried for so long, that it somewhat feels like a comforting and familiar place.

I know its easy but not the best way, and definitely not the SOLUTION.

Its just easy but destructive.

The solution is to get back up, everytime, but its exhausting.