I am a wolf. I can feel the warmth of the dirt and the smell simultaneously. And it brings me comfort, reminds me I am home. The human world and the way they live is the farthest thing from comfort to me. Yet I am forced to confine myself to the obligations of human life. It makes me feel caged, no. I am caged. Caged to a life and way of existence that was never supposed to be for me. The older I get, the harder it is to stay true to myself and my instincts. Not even because they aren't there screaming at me, and crawling out without consent cause the wild animal inside me is feral. But due to adult life. I dont have the time, finances or the social freedom to live the way I need to. And so few and far between understand where i am coming from. Sometimes I dissociate into human life, allowing myself to forget what I really am. But I can only do that for a few months at a time before the animal inside me builds up and is on the brink of losing control. Or already has. And I can't deny that I love that feeling of losing control. Not having the strength or willpower to suppress the wolf inside me anymore. It's even validating and reminds me what I am. I try to carve out time for my wolfself. But it's hard to put an animal on a specific timeline. Or planned moments where I can run wild and free. Sometimes the pressure of I can in this moment is enough to make my wolf quiet or even shy. I am an animal. I can't just be like, oh here's a moment I can just be completely wild. Instincts don't work that way. They work like reflexes. Without thought, or a timeline to be used. The social aspects and obligations of human life are disconnecting me from myself. From what i am. And it is so heavy and defeating some days. It makes me cry sometimes, for my animal self, for mother nature, for others that share this predicament with me. We are caged with the knowledge of being caged in every aspect. Which is why we are so feral. Not even just wild animals, animals in general don't belong in cages. And over time that's accepted, but the fight and willingness to be free again diminishes. Due to the psycholoical impact of being in a fucking cage for so long. I guess that's one of the few things both human and animal alike share.
