TW: loneliness, low self esteem, depression, etc.
I don’t think people understand how lonely I feel. I have friends and family but their lives constantly feel too busy for me.
I don’t know who to talk about it, because the few times I’ve tried bringing it up, I got called desperate.
Is it desperate to want mutual presence?
I keep trying to enjoy being alone. I have two jobs, I spent my only day off either writing for this blog, or following up with my other hobbies. I keep trying to stay busy and function my way out of feelings, but the truth is it’s getting really heavy.
My friends atm are also constantly busy with their partners which leaves me in this in between state of either chasing their attention or just waiting around for whenever they remember me.
I’ve also started having this toxic mentality that only a boyfriend will fix this, when I know that is not true. But when it’s everyone else treating their partners like that, when it’s all I know, I can’t help but wonder.
I keep crying myself to sleep lately. My nails always trying to dig into where my heart aches the most. Fists constantly punishing my so intellectual mind. Always trying to understand, comprehend. As if everything I know will magically solve anything.
I hate having so much love to give, but no one to receive it. I hate trying to convince myself that I’m fine by just pouring it into my job, my hobbies. But honestly it’s not enough anymore.
I also wonder what’s so wrong with me that no one chooses me after that situationship. My first and only heartbreak.
Before him I didn’t need love. I wasn’t looking for it. He approached me, he asked me out, and then used me to be discarded.
I’m just so so tired of being alone. Of functioning alone. And all this sadness turns into anger and I want to disappear from everyone’s lives. I want to call out my stupid friends for always making me feel like I’m not important in their lives.
I want to collapse. I want to stop feeling like this and feel something. I want to feel giddy and in love. But most importantly I want to feel like I matter to the people close to me.















