#wizardingsouls

the past months since his release have felt like a fever dream -- unsure if he can trust his mind and how it's seeing things. he can't remember the last time his hair has been this short -- last he remembers it hit to his lower back even with the mats and knots from twelve years of neglect. he doesn't remember shaving the hair off of his face that he could barely even call a beard -- and vaguely remembers a familiar voice teasing him about finally being able to grow something. he remembers the conversations he had in azkaban, the ones with his friends that were gone. mad mumblings to himself, james, lily, and remus. he escaped when he saw peter on the front of the prophet, swore that he would seek revenge against the man that they had trusted more than anything -- but ended back up in a cell.

he's not sure where the madness stopped and the man begun -- what was real and what wasn't, especially after narrowly escaping a demetors kiss when all of his past had been brought up. his parents abuse, the way he'd almost torn their friends apart the first time, james and lily dying. he thought he'd been broken before -- but he's a shell of the man he used to be. the boisterous, confident and obnxious man is a shell of himself. barely speaking sentences, trying to understand why -- how his mind has crafted such a beautiful place for him to be in. with remus and james -- older than he remembers them, which is even more odd. prongs and moony were always young when he'd talked to them before, and lily had always been there, too. eventually he allows the façade to win, cracking jokes and feeling himself relax for the first time in over twelve years. the madness even allows harry to visit -- to see him again and to see the emerald green eyes that match his mothers attached to the face of a young james. in the evenings he allows himself to feel the false warmth of the two men that sirius has loved most in this world, finds comfort that he remembers how warm they are.

maybe if he'd allowed himself to allow the madness take over from the start, he would have been better off.

it's odd, he thinks as the façade has the three of them together for an evening, that remus isn't drinking. between the three of them, he'd always been the one to hold his liquor the best -- and was one of the few things the otherwise insecure person had almost prided himself with. their conversation shifts to hermione -- when had hermione been here to have a conversation with them? he barely knows her. only met her briefly in the shack -- why would the madness add her to this conversation? a chuckle is shared between them about how clever she is for having figured them out. a silence follows, until james is the one to ask the question that's been lingering in the air between them since their reunion.

"together forever, remember?" he speaks up, silver eyes landing on the mirage of an older james potter than he can remember -- a gentle smile on his lips. he sets his drink down and watches as james moves toward him, head tilting back to look up at him -- a best friend, lover, and a soulmate wrapped into one person peering down at him. almost too real feeling hands move to cup his cheeks -- and silver eyes flutter closed when he's brought closer and for the first time in over a decade their lips meet. sirius finds himself melting into him, tattooed hands gently resting over the hands that rest on his cheeks. he gets lost in the warmth, in the feeling of kissing james potter again. silver eyes open as they pull away, landing on james's and for a moment letting himself feel the warmth that always came from him. a gentle smile graces his lips, his free hand reaching up to brush some of the other man's curls from his forehead -- always the most unruly hair. the crinkles in the corners of his eye, the warmth of his skin under his fingers as they brush along his forehead to move his hair away from his face. james's lips are upon his again, and he eagerly responds -- clinging desperately to him because it all feels real.

too real.

sirius's hands jerk away from the mirage of james potter in front of him, abruptly pulling away as silver eyes open wide to stare at the mirage that even when shoved away doesn't seem to go away. "no," he mutters to himself, jolting away from the hands that reach out for him, "don't -- don't fucking touch me." he's let this go on for too long. none of this is real -- none of this can be real. heels of his hand press into silver eyes, rubbing violently at them as if it would erase the false images in front of him -- but even that doesn't erase the two sets of concerned eyes that stare at him. "this isn't -- this isn't real. you're" he points to james with a trembling hand, "not real. this isn't real. you're dead."

eyes snap over to remus when he speaks, and he feels both of them approaching as if they're corning and trying to catch a scared creature. "shut the fuck up, you're not real either," he snaps and the glass in his hand goes flying toward the mirage to prove that this whole thing isn't real. the sound of the shattering glass fills the room as remus skillfully dodges the projectile and it shatters on the wall behind them. sirius lunges grabbing anything to throw and destroy to prove that this isn't real. that they aren't real. blinded by images of finding james potter -- screaming to find his glasses because of how blind he is without them -- sirius barely hears the sound of harry's voice as he peers around the corner. harry, living with him? with them? it has to be a dream. he watches as remus darts across the room and guides harry up the stairs -- flinging anything he can in their direction and they disappear up the stairs. a glass shatters in his hand from gripping onto it too tightly, blood dripping down from the palm of his hand onto his wrist -- he doesn't feel the pain, because why would he? it's all not real. this isn't real. nothing he's experienced is real. he's still in azkaban. he has to be. he knows james potter is dead -- and has been for so long. tears stream down his cheeks as he screams over and over again that this isn't real. that james is dead. he's too far gone. he let the façade win and now he can't get back. magic seems to surge through him, sending furniture and other objects flying through the air -- much like when a child first discovers magic and can't control it. being years out of practice, rotting in a jail cell. suddenly, there's a pain in his skull, sharp and skull splitting. . something that's happened since his sixth year at hogwarts -- after his parents tortured him over and over again with the cruciatus curse until he finally decided to run away. he crumbles to the ground, covered in glass shards. bloodied hands move to grip onto the side of his head -- then pound over and over again into his temples as if trying to get the voices that are telling him that this is real out of it. as if it's going to stop the tearing sensation caused by years of abuse. he lets out a heart breaking scream, asking everything to just stop.

and it does. finally. the sharp pain in his head, the tightness in his chest.

tattooed fingers grip onto his hair at the base as the silence is broken when sobs fall past his lips when his entire body trembles. he shakes his heat, tears streaming down his cheeks and when he feels strong arms wrap around him he doesn't try to push them away, and instead collapses into the man that he swears is still a mirage. "this isn't real," his voice is soft and whispered, trembling as bloodied hands move to grip onto the arms that are holding onto him, "you're not real, prongs. i let this go for too long."

it all happened before he could even process it. one moment they're laughing, and having a good time -- start the discussion that's been in the air between them for the months that they've all been together. harry had moved in with them, things were fine. he smiles as sirius reminds them that they had indeed promised each other forever. even when things were hard -- even when they had been separated when lily and james went into hiding -- forever was promised. he watches as james moves to sirius to kiss him, and he feels the warmth spread through him that he hasn't felt in over a decade. their family is back together. they're good. he's the first to immediately notice the shift in sirius -- setting his mug of tea on the coffee table in front of him as he notices the way sirius's brows press together when james kisses him again. his lips part to call for james, but it's too late. he can see the way his hands tremble, the way he backs away from james -- someone he's never seen sirius back away from. he stands and he slowly approaches him.

"sirius -- padfoot, he's here. i'm here --"

but he's cut off when sirius's snaps at him, and manages to move out of the way in barely enough time before the glass of liquor in his hand comes flying toward him. he doesn't even wince when a glass shard catches his arm as it shatters. he looks up the stairs when he hears harry's footsteps and he glances over at james -- giving him a silent nod before he speeds past them and moves to take harry back upstairs before he can witness anything. wandless and wordless, he casts a silencing charm on harry's bedroom -- immediately silencing the loud shouting that comes from sirius down the stairs. he sits with harry, long arms wrapped around him and he tries to explain what's going on as best as he can.

because for once, remus isn't even really sure what happened.

he thought that they were fine. that sirius had finally come to terms with that he was out, that he and james are here and alive and he won't have to deal with being in azkaban ever again. either sirius was extremely good at hiding it, or he truly thought he had gone completely mad and just accepted that it was okay. he distracts harry with magic, showing him different and fun things that harry should be able to do one day without a wand once he's practiced enough. like making the ends of his fingers sparkle, or lighting a candle with just a snap of his fingers. it isn't long before the young teenager is asleep, cuddled into remus's large form and remus waits. he waits for as long as he thinks he needs to -- head on the top of harry's head and keeping his arms wound protectively around him as he can. it's only until his limbs can't take being shoved into a smaller bed that he carefully moves to get out. he pulls off harry's glasses and sets them off to the side, pressing his lips against his forehead in a soft kiss before tucking the teenager in for the evening. it seemed like it was just yesterday they were telling harry he hadn't needed to clean the entire house -- or be up early to make breakfast for them. he turns off the lights and opens the door -- thankful to not hear the screaming or sobbing from earlier. when he goes into their room, his eyebrows raise when he sees sirius peacefully sleeping -- an empty sleeping draught next to him, which is something they've had to use whenever sirius wakes from a nightmare. remus takes in the bandaged hands, and knows that there's a mess downstairs that they'll have to clean up. his heart aches for the moment -- knowing that one of the men he loves is so broken from reality that he can't tell what's real and what isn't. over a decade of torture -- and both he and james had been fooled thinking that things had been back to normal. he glances around for james, and finds him at a far open window -- trying to hide the tremble in his hand as it holds one of the rolled cigarettes remus had made. he pulls his fingers through his dark hair, moving toward him and hesitantly resting his hand on his back. "hey," his voice is soft, dark eyes flicking over the side of his face as he seems to barely acknowledge that he's there. as if trying to hide everything that's so clearly written on his face. james potter wears his heart on his sleeve, even after being gone to the world for over a decade. remus reaches over, taking the cigarette from his hand and putting it out on his thumb. he sets it down, as he guides james to turn and look at him. large, calloused hands move to cradle his face between them -- thumbs brushing along his cheeks to wipe at the tears that stain them. "it's not fair that padfoot gets a kiss, and i don't. absurd, really." a soft smile grows on his lips when he hears james let out a soft chuckle -- and soon the distance between them is closed and their lips are upon each others for the first time in over a decade.

the tension seems to leave his body, especially when he feels james relax into him. his thumbs move gently along his cheeks, and for part of him it feels like time hasn't passed. that nothing has happened and they're all still there, dumb, young and in love. when they pull away and their eyes meet, he can still see the tears pooling in his eyes and the reality of the world settles upon him once more.

not everyone is there. lily is gone. they're not okay. they're all broken and fucked up one way or another. "stop thinking that," he states softly, almost as if he can read his mind. he moves his hand to press against the crease between his furrowed brows, soothing it over while his hand moves to rest on his neck -- fingers brushing along the scar that was left behind due to the attack on their family. remus rests their foreads together and he shakes his head. "it's not your fault, james. you didn't do anything wrong. sirius is -- far worse than we thought. we couldn't have known."

it isn't just her that's noticed the tension between the marauders. it started last year, something had changed about remus that even made her question what was going on with him. halfway through the year the marauders suddenly weren't speaking anymore, remus shut himself off from everyone -- including her. she'd put a stop to that almost immediately. his attitude was probably the reason he didn't get head boy -- and why james was given the title. the two of them had gotten on well, he seemed more focused on rekindling whatever happened between the four of them. despite working together in close proximity, he had given her whatever space she needed -- she assumes because he's distracted by rekindling whatever happened between all of them. at least remus was talking to her again -- but even she can't get him to tell her what happened. he won't let her help.

lily rolls her eyes at his smug comment. "you haven't tried to flirt with me at all, and we are a few months into the school year, so something is wrong, potter." a part of her almost misses it. she knows that she should get up and leave, but something makes her stay. she'd seen a different side of him, they'd become friendly. that's the part that makes her stay. knowing that there's something behind the cocky, charming james potter that everyone's known. he and his friends seem to walk around eggshells around remus, as if trying not to tip the scales. the co-dependent group aren't around each other as much. which, in hindsight means she gets more time with remus and james which is a win for her. but there's something off, something wrong, and she's stubborn enough to poke and prod until she gets a peek at something.

remus lifted his head slightly from where it was BALANCED on his palm , a splitting headache making his eyes water && exhaustion deep inside his shoulders , he knew he wasn't going to pass this exam if he didn't crack on && try && study . sitting in the library , head bent over a textbook , trying his best for the third time to soak up the information that he was reading . he had skipped out on supper this evening , DECIDING instead to go to the library , pulling out copious books to go over what he needed to for the exam . he wasn't smart like james or sirius , he had to work twice as hard to get half as good . && it was a struggle as the full moon slowly began to approach on the month .

he had a few more days before symptoms actively started showing so he couldn't use the stupid thing inside him as an excuse to fail this exam . his entire future hung in the BALANCE && --

oh .

head lifted up almost immediately as james appeared with a small linen bag full of what remus ASSUMED were small cakes , a flask of pumpkin juice && sandwiches . no doubt nicked from the kitchen . remus deflated && reached for a ham && cheese sandwich , realising almost immediately how hungry he was . ❝ don't let madam pince see this , she will ban you from ever coming here again , ❞ remus said , taking a bite && leaning back away from the huge tomes . // @wizardingsouls

she isn't used to being loved so openly. love is such a strong word -- a word that she probably shouldn't be using just yet, but frankly; she doesn't know what else it could possibly be. she's used to sneaking around and going into empty classrooms. meeting up in the outskirts of the forest where no one could possibly find them. stolen glances. being hidden. it had been for protection -- to protect her from his friends and housemates.

but james? james didn't know how to love in any other way but loudly.

she'd learned that after her first quidditch match. they'd gone on a few official dates -- and she'd finally agreed to being his girlfriend. lily and thea had spent the afternoon getting her ready for it. she wore his quidditch jumper -- the one with his name and number sewn into the back of it. watching him was -- amazing. he was so focused that even lily evans couldn't distract him. which, she didn't mind. he loved quidditch -- and the pitch they were on was kind of the start to all of this. she hooped and hollared with the rest of them, so loudly that her voice had been shot by the end of it. when gryffindor won, she shouted his name as loud as she could -- and that was when he saw her. her breath caught in her throat at the way he practically beamed -- despite being exhausted and sweaty from working so hard. before she even knew it, he'd flown up to the stands and scooped her up and easily flew them around in celebratory laps -- her shrieking the entire time with laughter. it was the kiss that took her by surprise, and he almost instantly had pulled away -- going to apologize but she shook her head and kissed him again. he reacted that way to her attending to the rest of his matches for the year.

slowly but surely, she got used to it. holding hands. kissing. being loved openly. it took months, but now it just feels like second nature.

"james," she laughs breathlessly, as he places kisses along her jaw. it's a hogsmeade weekend, and after getting spoiled -- meaning she'd see something she'd like, and james immediately insisted that he get it for her -- they'd decided to get some tea at madam puddifoot's. he's sat next to her with her legs in his lap, tea completely forgotten about and just so focused in on each other. the cheeky grin on his lips makes her eyes roll. "our tea is going to get cold." he clearly doesn't care because he's kissing her again -- and she really doesn't care because she really likes kissing him. her manicured hand moves to rest on his cheek as she melts into him. her lips part and their tongues slowly begin to move together while her fingers brush against his cheek. it's always like this -- their kisses slow and meaningful. well, maybe not always, they do have an entire tower to themselves where things get hot and heavy more often than not. but most of the time, it's like this. slow and deep. deliberate. unashamed to be with her. he wants everyone to know that she is his -- and he is hers. she loves being loved by him -- openly and so honestly. lily loves that.

she loves him.

they pull away for some air and sips of tea -- and some kind of conversation, until they're distracted again and kissing again. she remembers the last time they attempted to go on a double date with thea and remus -- and how the two of them just left because of how involved they were with each other. ironic because when she'd hung out with the two of them before james, she'd say the same thing about them. maybe not as physically affectionate, but the two of them definitely could get wrapped up in each other. her fingers found themselves in his hair, lips slowly moving against each other -- kissing until their lips were swollen and aching.

"merlin, i love you," she breathes when they pull away again, her head falling back as his lips trail down her neck and letting her auburn curls fall off of her shoulders and cascade down her back. her eyebrows press together when she feels him stop, blinking and tipping her head down and seeing his eyes focus at her. her eyes widened and her face flushed even more, stunned in silence as she stared at him and she suddenly realized what she'd said.

marlene and thea would not stop telling her that apparently she and james are dating now. lily knows that they've been spending more time together, with their head boy and head girl duties. they snuck out to the pitch a few times, flew around. some nights they'd just stay up talking -- a welcome distraction from her over studying. slowly they'd gotten on a first name basis, only calling the other by their last names when flirting with teasing each other. she ignored her friends comments -- pointing out things that pointed to them dating, and pointed out that some of those things they did. like holding hands. staying up all night talking. sometimes she wore his jumper -- it wasn't that big of a deal.

lily had picked up crocheting when she was younger -- it was something that she and her sister would do together, and really hadn't picked it up since she and petunia don't really get along. shopping for james potter was impossible -- whenever he saw something he liked he'd just grab it and get it for himself. it was honestly, infuriating. so, when she stumbled upon some sparkling golden yarn, she immediately knew what she was going to do for him. she stayed up late working on it -- working on it during quidditch matches. she still didn't understand it, but she could catch glimpses out the window. barely. maybe -- maybe after the holiday she'd actually go to a game.

she worked so hard, until she was finished. a small, crochet snitch with eyes and a small mouth sit in the palm of her hand. she had to start over a few times, but she'd managed to get it done a few weeks before she had to go home for the holidays. lily spent the next few weeks working on enchanting it -- until eventually with just a gentle squeeze the small thing she'd created would flutter around in the air next to her -- the wings enchanted in a way to make them look like they were moving. when she'd been successful, she let out a loud an excited noise -- and then quickly had to hide what she'd been doing because james peeked his head in to make sure she was okay.

he always did sweet things like that. she wasn't much of a night owl, and on nights she'd fallen asleep in the middle of them talking -- she'd wake up covered with a blanket and with a pillow under her head. when he'd noticed that she had missed lunch because she was studying, he usually brought something back for her. she tried to do things in return. like bring breakfast up for him the night after a full moon -- she still hadn't gotten it out of remus what they all were up to, but she figured out what was going on with him from the start. lily wasn't sure what else she could do to help -- other than offer a distraction when she noticed there was something off about him.

usually that ended up with them flying around the pitch, laughing and ended up with her asleep on the sofa from just wanting to continue their conversation.

she's given everyone their presents, rolling her eyes when black ran around the entire school with a mistletoe in his hand trying to kiss everyone he could. he'd been successful -- and she couldn't help but laugh the multiple times he insisted that james, peter, and remus kiss him. they were always so surprised to hear that people think they're all dating. the only person that really seems to elude her is james -- either they're in class or she's pulled away by the side by someone asking about tutoring or something else that she can't seem to actually get a moment. until dinner.

"james!" she calls out, running toward him. lily reaches out with her hand to grab onto his elbow, stopping him in the hallway and panting slightly from the run she'd just done. "i've been trying to find you all day. i wanted to give you something before i went home for the holiday." she carefully pulls the small golden snitch from her pocket, smiling as she gives it a gentle squeeze and then watches as it darts in the air and circles around james. "you buy everything you say that you want -- which makes it extremely hard to shop for you james -- so i made this for you." she smiles as it whizzes past his head and green eyes follow it as it flies further upward. "all you have to do is squeeze -- oh."

her eyes widen as she sees peeves hovering over them, mistletoe between the ghosts fingers and a grin on his face. she immediately thinks sirius has put him up to this -- but she can hear him loudly proclaiming his love to mcgonagall and begging for just a kiss on the cheek in the great hall. she feels her face heat up -- turning about as red as her hair. she swallows hard as her heart begins to pound against her chest -- stomach doing somersaults as her eyes meet james's.

well, that's not a reaction she feels toward her friends. most of the time, anyway.

a kiss? what's a kiss? nothing. she's kissed severus, marlene, thea, and other students before. it wasn't a big deal. definitely not a big deal. a kiss on the cheek would be good enough, right? she clears her throat and rolls onto her toes, tentatively placing a soft kiss against his cheek before rolling back onto her feet. she looks up when peeves tells her that it isn't good enough and threatens to follow them all night until there is one good enough. she knows he'll follow through with that threat. she takes in a trembling breath -- trying to calm her heart that seems to beat right out of her chest. her eyes flick down to james's lips, seeing that they're moving -- and that he's saying something but the loud beating of her heart drowns it out. her tongue darts out to wet her lips and she finds herself taking a step closer to him. her hand moves to rest on his chest -- and she notices his lips stop moving. never did she think she'd ever be mesmerized by james potters lips -- but even so she finds herself rolling back onto her toes and gently press their lips together. butterflies erupt in her stomach -- her lips tingle from just something so simple as a kiss. kissing others never really felt like -- oh. oh no.

she fancies him.

he's felt more like himself over the past few months than he has in twelve years. it's been a rollercoaster -- but it's easier when harry's around. with him off at school, he can't help but feel nervous. nervous that he's going to get bad again. that the person that grounds him the most is gone. and there are a few of those days. days where he normally stays as padfoot, curled up in his room and only coaxed out by james and remus. those were the days that were the hardest -- the ones where he couldn't differentiate between what was reality and what was fiction.

it gets better, though. with time. even without harry around.

there are lapses in his memories -- some things he remembers, misremembers, or doesn't remember at all. not just current memories, but he finds himself misremembering things from their school days where james or remus has to correct him. he remembers everything about azkaban. he gets flashes of things -- ones that he has to ask either one of them if they're real or not, and they do. every. time. he wonders what he's done to deserve either of them -- even more so now than he used to as a kid. even with his lapses in memory, they seem to fall into a comfortable routine. james and remus grow more affectionate as the days go by -- and sirius doesn't bat an eye at it.

until he does.

this feeling is familiar. the twist in his stomach as he watches the gentle touches, looks and kisses shared between the two of them. he told both of them that he needed time. that he wasn't sure when he'd be ready. if he'd ever be ready -- but he can feel the ache of longing beginning to stir in the pit of his stomach. he grips onto the cup in his hand and watches as remus mentions he's running to get some things from the store -- notices that he stops himself from moving toward sirius to give him affection. sirius hates it. seeing him walk away with just a simple wave and pocketing his wand before leaving. he wants him to kiss him. wants him to -- touch him. give him the same attention that he'd been giving to james.

his eyes flick back over to james, and he feels that same pull. that same desire he hadn't felt in nearly fourteen years. desire. want. need. jealousy. he'd always been the most jealous of the lot of them -- even comparable to remus he drowned in insecurity, constantly too worried about what everyone thinks of him. his eyes flick to james's hands as they move through his hair, how he wishes those hands were on him and his hands were in his hair. it isn't fair.

sirius finds himself standing, and slowly making his way over to james. he stands in front of him and takes his hands from his hair and places them on each hip. his natural instinct to tense is there, and he does for a moment -- but grips onto james's hands before he can move them away. sirius hasn't wanted him to touch him -- hasn't wanted anyone to touch him, really. eventually the tension melts away with a slight shudder and he releases james's hands when he knows that he won't pull them away. thin fingers -- not bonelike like they had been when he'd gotten back, he's filled out to about where he had been before everything now -- reach out and comb through his hair. a sigh falls past his lips when he feels how soft his curls are. they always were, he shouldn't expect anything different. he swallows and looks down at james when he feels his fingers flex into his hips -- showing restraint, something that always seems so hard for him, but he does it because he loves him.

he does everything he can for the people that he loves.

sirius gives a slight nod at his questioning and curious gaze -- they'd always been able to communicate with just facial expressions. he knows when he sees that sparkle in his eye to prepare. his breath catches in his throat when he feels the tug, and he wills himself into james's lap. his knees rest on either side of his hips -- straddling the other man and feeling his body pressed tightly against his. james hasn't held him since that night -- and merlin does it feel good. his hands slide from his hair down his cheeks -- a light chuckle falling past his lips when he has to stop and adjust his glasses that he accidentally bumps. his fingers press into his cheeks, move along his jaw then slide down his neck. he swallows when his thumb brushes along the scar that peeks through the collar of his shirt. he sees james's lips part in a question and he just shrugs before he can even ask.

but yaxley took dark magic to his body, cutting it like it was butter, scarring percy permanently. after he'd given them some information (not enough, holding back crucial things, saying some lies), they brought him here; he was deemed too dangerous to remain in the public light. no one even knew, or no one had told his family at least. why would they?

his face aches in particular, and he closes his eyes, leaning his shoulder against the wall. luna is humming something, her spirits much higher than his own. the bandages are bloodied, sticking to his skin, but he'd stopped caring a while ago. . . his eyes widen when there's the sound of loud commotion above, and his brows furrow as he tries to discern what's happening --

percy scoots up, wincing, as there's footsteps to the door. there's a flash of familiar red hair; of course percy recognized ron first. he sits there, blue eyes wild, and he has no idea what to say, what to even do. is he breathing? this can't be good if harry and ron were here in a cage with him. . .