Dear the internet,
I Googled a “vegetarian” cake recipe. The results yielded = WTF? First of all, Google did the unthinkable and gave 8 cajillion results for “vegan” cake mix. To which I sat in front of my computer and shook my head. Vegan is a word that, in it’s politest application, elicits mild eye rolling. The implication of converting the word vegetarian to vegan is basically to multiply vegetarian with the power of being an insufferable asshole.
But anyway, I was looking for vegetarian cake mix recipes because I like some of my coworkers, who happen to be a vegetarian. Every time I bring in cupcakes, they will not eat them because they contain eggs. So, basically, what I was looking for was how to make a cake mix without eggs. Have you ever read the ingredients list of a cake mix? Or, for whatever reason, do you know that a cake mix is basically: flour, sugar, shortening or vegetable oil, baking powder, sometimes butter, milk or water, eggs, and flavoring - which is generally vanilla, chocolate, or nut or fruit extract. Outside of milk and eggs, the empirical ingredients of cake mix are basically vegetable matter and salt.
So, despite the absolutely negative connotations of the word vegan, I clicked on some of these vegan cake recipes, scrolled a shit ton, and finally skimmed the list of ingredients. Regarding scrolling a shit ton: Jesus H. Christ, if you make a post about a recipe — I do not need an essay about the food item and 22 pictures of the same food item before 10 minutes of scrolling later — I finally get the actual recipe and list of ingredients. Anyway, vegans are assholes, so the trend to vegan cake mixes is not only that there are 45 ingredients in each one, but an unnecessary but omnipresent ingredient is: apple cider vinegar.
Yes, any vegan cake mix recipe I clicked on contained: apple cider vinegar. Fuck, you guys are assholes, and vinegar has no place in a cake mix. Seriously, stop putting apple cider vinegar in fucking everything. It’s gross. In cake mix, not only is it fucking gross, it’s fucking stupid. A cake is just flour and flavoring in sponge form. It does not require vinegar.
Anyway, vegans are ridiculous and unhelpful, which was to be expected. And the brand of cake mix I bought — surprisingly — does not contain milk. Yeah, if it did, then it would have appeared in the form of an allergy warning. So, what I was searching for was “egg replacement” for cake mix. I’ve made diabetic cookies before; I already knew the answer was somewhere between applesauce and banana and extra baking powder… and does not involve a cake mix with 45 ingredients, when 7 ingredients comprise the empirical recipe.
I have not yet made cupcakes with applesauce. But when I do: they will contain no soy milk, and they damn sure won’t have a drop of vinegar. Seriously, stop it with the vinegar bullshit already.
XOXO,
Sarah
PS: my vegetarian coworkers are Hindu. Thanks for reinforcing the stereotype!
