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Buck struggles post-season 8 and Chim's speech, so he visits Bobby's Grave and comes back knowing what he needs to do with the support of Bobby.
AO3
***
Buck is struggling even after Chim’s speech.
He understands where it comes from and it makes him feel far too guilty considering that he knows Bobby would want him to do what’s best for him – like he told Hen, she has to make her own choice for what’s best for her and… he has to do the same.
Despite the fact that they haven’t offered Chim the Captain position, he seemed to think that his big speech after a crazy call was enough to elevate him to that position… Buck, personally, doesn’t care – if Chim wants to be Captain good for him, but he’s not going to use that position to keep Buck at the 118.
After the chaos of Eddie listening to Chim rather than Buck when he tried to get him to slow his roll on just upping and leaving without a real plan, Buck asked for some time off. He traveled to Minnesota, saw the city, even went to Bobby’s old firehouse, and then, went by Bobby’s grave.
“You were wrong, Bobby,” Buck states, as he stands there. “I’ve been trying to follow your last words for as long as I can, but I can’t do it anymore – no one will let me. I keep trying and they keep telling me that I am the problem. They won’t talk to me, they don’t eat with me, and the 118 has become just a station, just a number without you.”
“I decided that I needed to leave. The 118, at least, and Chim told me that I would be letting you down and letting your legacy down if I left… he gave this amazing speech, and it worked – for Eddie – but for me… I feel guilty… maybe enough to stay, but I’m haunted. Haunted by the memories of the family we had the 118, just like I was haunted by the memories of Abby way back when and more recently, Eddie when I was living in his house…”
“I’m haunted the way you were, and I know this isn’t what you’d want for me, but I can’t… be there. I can’t be at the 118 anymore, but I don’t want to let you down and –”
There’s a sudden gush of wind and Buck stops.
He closes his eyes for a second and for just a second it’s like Bobby’s standing right beside him. It’s like he told the priest when he attempted to do confession, he can finally feel him.
Feel his presence.
Obviously, Bobby can’t actually talk to him.
He’s gone and Buck’s left here, there’s this veil between them, so he can’t hear him, but he knows what Bobby would say because he already told him in the first couple of weeks after Eddie left, and he was struggling.
I know change is tough, Buck, but sometimes, it’s a good thing. We’re not always going to be at the 118, but we’ve built a strong bond that would transcend being having to work at the same station. Maybe Hen or Chim will decide to go for Captain someday and have to go to another house. Maybe you’ll have to branch out and experience a more elite squad with all of your extensive rescues that the 118 just doesn’t do, but leaving the 118 isn’t the end. It might even be a good thing. Don’t let your fear that you’ll lose us stop you from taking a good opportunity, just like we wouldn’t want to stop Eddie from El Paso or Hen from being a doctor or Chim at the academy. There’re options for you, too. When you’re ready to leave, we’ll support you.
Buck smiles and opens his eyes.
“You’re right, Bobby. I have to do what’s best for me. And I’m not going to lose the 118 and I’m not going to disappoint you by leaving it. I know that now.”
He nods as the wind washes over him, again.
“Thanks, Bobby,” Buck says. “And I know I never said it back, but I know you know that I love you, too.”
***
A few days later, his transfer paperwork in his bag, he stops by Maddie and Chim’s place. Chim’s been named the new Captain, and Buck’s happy for him, and normally his transfer discussion would happen at the firehouse, but Chim is more than his new Captain and it feels like the decision and discussion should happen outside of work.
“Congrats, Chim,” Buck says, as he offers him a present for Jee and Baby Kevin from his trip.
“Hey Buck, thanks, come on in,” Chim says. “You know you could’ve just congratulated me on shift.”
Buck shrugs. “Yeah, but I wanted to have a private chat and it’d be weird in Bobby’s office. Uh, I know it’s yours now, but –”
“I get it,” Chim states. “It’s going to be a while before it really feels like mine. Time for coffee, then?”
Buck nods and Chim pours them both a cup.
“How was your trip? Did you get what you needed?”
Buck nods, again. “Yeah, actually. Did, uh, Maddie tell you where I was going?”
Chim nods. “Not at first, but I told her that Hen and I were worried – after your announcement to leave the 118, even with my great speech convincing you otherwise – we thought you might’ve done a runner or something.”
“I’m not the Buckley that runs,” Buck interjects. “And I would always say goodbye, I’ve had way too many people just up and leave me to not want to be the cause of someone left wondering.”
Chim grimaces, probably remembering that both he and Maddie are on that list of people that left him wondering at one point.
“Right,” Chim says. “But she told us, anyway. Didn’t want us to worry. We, uh, we both realized that we’ve let the ball drop with you – I have Maddie, she has Karen, Athena has the kids, and you – you didn’t really have the support you needed. It makes sense that maybe seeing Bobby’s grave would help.”
Buck nods. “It did. The long drive, seeing his firehouse, despite what happened, he was remembered pretty fondly there as well, and then… going by the cemetery was hard. I knew it would be. I was so focused on Bobby’s last words telling me that everyone was going to need me, and I had to help them through this that I never really let myself grieve. It just wasn’t real to me. Seeing his grave made it real.”
Chim frowns. “You never said that Bobby told you to take care of us.”
Buck shrugs. “Thought it was obvious, honestly. I think he was giving me a task thinking it would help me, but I told him he was wrong – at the grave, I mean.”
Chim shakes his head and chuckles. “Too bad he’s not here to yell at you for that.”
“He wouldn’t, if he’s really up there watching over us – and let me tell you, I’ve never been religious, but I really want to believe that – he’d understand. I’ve been trying to fulfill what he asked of me, and he knows that.”
“I’m sure he does.”
“And he also knows… I can’t be at the 118 right now,” Buck states, pulling out his transfer papers. “I know that you made a great speech, Chim, and it definitely made me feel guilty enough to stay –”
“But you’re not staying so obviously, it didn’t – it wasn’t enough.”
Buck shakes his head. “I remembered what Bobby told me when Eddie first left and I realized that he wouldn’t want me to go through what I went through with Abby and then, Eddie yet again because of him. I’m not the Buck that thinks the 118 is the end-all be-all, anymore. The 118 is my family, always will be, but I don’t have to see you on shift to be family.”
At first, Chim looks like he wants to argue, but then, he takes a deep breath, and he nods. “Bobby might not be the only one to have realized that you might be haunted at the House. Maddie mentioned that maybe you need more space than just going away and coming back and pretending like Bobby’s spirit is hanging around a bit.”
“Maddie’s pretty clever.”
“Yeah, she is,” Chim says, smiling fondly. “Is, uh, is this forever?”
Buck shrugs. “I don’t know. There’s a four seasons of grief theory – going through a full year of life without a loved one is what they say it takes, but Bobby was the father I wish I had and it’s going to be difficult to move past that. Maybe it’s a year or five years, maybe you and Hen have retired, and I return as Captain, who knows? All I do know is that … this what I need right now.”
Chim smiles and nods. “If this is what you need – then, I am happy to give it to you.”
“Good. Thanks, Chim.”
“Always here to help my Buckaroo. Bobby would want that, Maddie would want that, and I want that. I’m glad you came to me.”
“Me too.”
***
It does take more than a year. Seven years, eight months and nine days passed that conversation, Chim announces to the 118 that Buck’s coming back – as Captain. That Bobby’s true legacy has returned.
Hen had refused the spot, Chim wanted to spend more time with his kids and opted to move to the academy, and Buck had been training to be Captain until the tutelage of Captain Mehta, so it all made sense for Chim’s choice to be Buck.
He wished that he had been Bobby’s protégé as he trained, but it was a great experience with a great captain, and he knows Bobby would be proud regardless.
Somehow I forgot that Bobby Singer loved Sam and Dean SO MUCH that he literally did the impossible: breaking a demons posession (never been done in FIVE SEASONS!!!!) in order to stab himself rather than stab Dean
AND
Made sure Sam knew he was loved and would always have a home after Sam had done The Worst Things Possible
@buckweek Prompt - Free/what being Buck means to me.
Buck banks on 'being Buck' to win over Bobby when it comes to getting a new puppy that he'll want to bring to the firehouse.
AO3
***
“Why did you decide that we were going to spend the day at humane societies?” Bobby asks Buck.
After Bobby insisted that he could help him with not feeling so lonely buy helping him shop for something that would liven up his new house, Buck decided the answer wasn’t some poster or artwork or new paint … it’s a puppy.
Only Bobby has no idea because Buck didn’t tell him.
“You don’t like visiting puppies on your day off?” Buck teases.
“I thought we were shopping for something to liven your place up.”
“We are,” Buck says, grinning, as they enter the third humane society in LA. He’s determined to find the perfect puppy for him.
Bobby blinks. “When I said liven, I meant artwork or new colors for the walls.”
“Yes, but I’ve been thinking about Blaze for weeks and I’ve always wanted a dog,” Buck states. “I just never stayed in a place where I could have one.”
“Fair, but you do realize that our shifts after conducive to new puppy life.”
Buck smiles as he sees a dalmatian puppy. Cute, and happy to see him, choosing to leave his playmate in the cage to come greet him.
“I was hoping this is where being Buck would help me,” he says before asking if he could see the puppy in the private room to see if he truly would like him.
They’re directed to go into room three, when Bobby asks, “What exactly does that mean?”
“Well, being Buck means different things to different people.”
“Go on.”
“Athena says it’s never giving up on people or goals. Hen says it’s being that playful puppy that entertains everyone and supports everyone, even when it hurts me in the process.”
Like with Eddie’s leaving, but he doesn’t add that bit as the puppy comes into the room and immediately moves to Buck rather than Bobby.
“Let us know of your thoughts when you’re ready,” the worker says.
“Will do,” Buck answers, and they leave.
Then, as he pets the puppy, who’s happy and playful and energetic.
“Maddie says it’s that loveable, try-hard clinger that deserves the world.”
Bobby hums. “Go on.”
“Chim says it’s getting what I want because I’m me and I’m your favorite.”
Buck grins at him. That is exactly why he brought Bobby out with him today, and he can see the dawning look on Bobby’s face.
“I never said you’re my favorite,” Bobby counters. “And if you think being Buck is how you’re going to manage to convince me to let you bring your puppy to work, you’re mistaken.”
He tries to sound stern, but Buck takes the puppy and scoots them closer to Bobby and the puppy, apparently already understanding Buck, licks Bobby’s nose, which causes Bobby to melt.
“That’s cheating – that’s not being Buck, it’s using an adorable puppy to break down my defenses.”
Buck blinks at him, attempting to feign innocence. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, my puppy was simply showing love for my pops.”
Bobby gives him a look. “Now, that’s really cheating.”
“Is it?”
“It absolutely is,” Bobby states, but he’s melting, and Buck knows it.
“Because I think cheating would be pointing out that it’s me and I’m special, just like I was when I asked for your secret ingredient for your chili not long before the lightning strike. And you told me that you’d do anything for me to be happy and you know that a puppy would liven up the house – both of them – and that you’re already getting attached to my new puppy.”
He looks at Bobby, who is desperately trying not to smile and failing.
“Fine, you can keep him, but let’s be clear – I put up a better fight than this.”
Buck laughs and hugs his new dog. “I knew I’d win!”
Bobby grins. “You’re just lucky that you’re Buck.”
“Damn straight.”
***
They go out shopping for the things Blaze needs – double of some things for the firehouse. And next shift, Buck skips into the firehouse with Blaze, happy and grinning.
“Hey, Cap,” Chim yells the second he spots him. “Buck’s got a surprise for us.”
Bobby appears by the railing of the loft. “I know, I told him that he could bring his new dog to shifts.”
Hen laughs as she appears next to them. “Guess being Buck wins again.”
“Of course it does,” Bobby agrees. “But I put up a good fight, right, Buck?”
“Oh yeah, totally,” Buck offers, but he shakes his head, so everyone knows he really didn’t.
They all burst out laughing at Bobby, but he’s grinning, too.
All that matters for Buck is that being Buck is exactly what he wants to be – now with a new puppy, Blaze – he’s got everything he wants right here.
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After Buck moves into Eddie's House post-leaving for El Paso, he feels like he is haunted ala when he lived at Abby's, and does whatever he can to avoid the place.
Only one person can help him make it his home.
AO3
***
Ever since the move, Buck’s been avoiding unpacking.
In fact, he’s been avoiding even staying at Eddie’s – his – Eddie’s place.
It just … it feels like he’s haunted when he’s there.
Seven years.
It was Eddie’s for seven years. Even if he was just a renter. Never really planning to stay.
Everywhere he looks Eddie’s ghost is there… in the house, in his jeep, at the station.
He never realized that Eddie played such a role in his life. He knew that he was his best friend, but this – well – this almost feels like being haunted by Abby (which is decidedly not great) and he’s trying to avoid it.
He goes to Chim and Maddie’s until Chim complains.
He offers to take out the Wilson’s kids and give them a night off and pretends to crash on their couch, so he doesn’t have to go home.
It works for about two 48s off shift before Karen says, “As much as I appreciate all the alone time with my wife, I can’t imagine our couch is as comfortable as you’ve been pretending it’s been.”
Which, true, so then he hooks up with Bobby. Bobby seems delighted to have him over at their finished house – wanting to have it filled with good memories as soon as he can. Athena doesn’t seem to mind… at first.
It helps, of course, that his visits bring May and Harry to visit, too, and they almost feel like a real family.
Unfortunately, it only lasts about a month of visiting when they’re not on a shift before Bobby looks at him while they’re cooking dinner at his house, May and Athena playing some game at the kitchen table while Harry plays video games in the living room, and says, “When was the last time you went home?”
Buck shrugs. “I go home all the time.”
“Really?” Bobby asks.
“I can leave if I’m bothering you guys –”
“Stop that,” Bobby states, firmly. “You’re not bothering us. I’m just worried about you.”
“Worried? I’m perfectly fine. I’m not even baking anymore.”
“But you aren’t going home, either,” Bobby counters.
“Sure, I am,” Buck lies. “I went home this morning.”
“To shower and change – you were right back here at lunch, and you have spare clothes in a bag in your jeep for when you pretend to crash on the couch and it’s ‘too late’ to drive home.”
Buck stops stirring their dinner. “I – I just have been, uh, sleeping better on the couch.”
“Even with your knee?”
“It’s not a big deal,” he lies. It’s actually been hurting a lot, and he was limping the other day, but he hopes Bobby didn’t see that.
Bobby coughs. “Buck, you must think I’m an idiot.”
He looks up at him. “Of course not.”
“Then tell me why you think I haven’t noticed since you moved to your new house that you haven’t spent any time there?”
“Who says I haven’t?” Buck counters.
Bobby gives him a look that says that everyone has absolutely been talking about this. He should’ve expected nothing less after they talked to him about adopting the dog and Eddie’s leaving.
“Well, let’s see – Chim complained to Hen that he thought you were moving into Eddie’s house not his about six weeks after Eddie left. Then, Hen mentioned off-hand to Athena that while she was loving the date nights, she was worried about you when you spent nearly a week or so on her couch. Ravi said something about you refusing to let him leave you on a night out until you had someone to spend the night with – and how he set you up with your ex, but that last one 48 off before you started showing up here. And don’t get me wrong, I love having my kids visit, but it hasn’t escaped my noticed that it’s been a month, and you have been here nearly every moment we’re not on shift. So… wanna tell me what’s going on?”
Buck sighs and tries to focus on stirring. He knows he needs to talk about this. He can’t keep letting himself be haunted.
Maybe telling Bobby will help.
“I feel like I’m being haunted by Eddie’s ghost.”
Bobby suppresses a laugh. “Haunted? You know he’s not dead, right?”
“Of course I know that!”
“Well, then, how does Eddie have a ghost that can haunt you?”
It’s a logical question and Buck hates it.
He huffs. “Not like a real ghost. More like – everywhere I look, I see him – at the station, in my jeep, at the house – I mean, we spent a significant of time together so I guess it makes sense, but I haven’t been able to sleep at the house or even unpack because all I keep thinking is that it isn’t my house – it’s his. It’s like… it was with Abby…”
He hopes that Bobby understands what he means. The reminder of Abby hurts his heart, a little. He still hates how he wasn’t enough for her to stay.
“… she was gone, and I knew it, but I lived at her place, and it never felt like home. Just a place that I was staying. But this is different, too. I’ve literally seen Eddie and Chris in that house whenever I visited – I never thought I was a visitor exactly, but now… now I feel like I am.”
He doesn’t mention the jeep or station, eventually those will be over-ridden. He just needs time – the house, though…
Bobby takes a deep breath. “I – I knew that you taking over the lease on his house to make it easier on him was probably bad idea…”
“I wanted to help after our fight.”
He doesn’t point out that he felt like the only one at fault, so he had to do more than apologize because Bobby already pointed out at the time that he completely disagrees with that.
“I understand that your heart was in a good place, but that doesn’t mean it’s in the right place for you. It’s too late now, obviously, so we’ll have to fix it a different way, but I do want to say that I worried about this exact thing – except it’s probably worse than Abby because he was here so long.”
Buck nods. “I just – I look around and it’s the ghost of him and Chris and… it’s not home.”
Bobby hums. “Well, I think it starts with turning that house into your home. Why don’t we go there after dinner and start unpacking? We can spend the weekend making it truly yours – paint, unpack, purchase new things now that you have more space?”
Buck hums. That might help, finally unpacking. “Could I purchase a puppy?”
“What are you going to do with it during shift?”
“Bring it to the firehouse.”
Buck does his best to give Bobby his puppy dog eyes and naturally, it makes him melt.
“Fine, but only if you start to actually make that place your home and you train him not to steal from the counter.”
Buck grins. “He’ll be the best behaved puppy ever.”
