#witcher elves

no idea what i was doing here, it's supposed to be a dream

[TW: Tattoos, mentions of the Scoia’tael from The Witcher, so TW for violence, colonization, persecution, and related themes at the end.]

Don’t get me wrong, I adore Peepaw Tolkien’s elves.

Love them. Cherish them.

Think about them way too much for someone with a functional adult life. But your girl is a Witcher fan, and I need someone—anyone—to tell me to which Gods I must offer sacrifice to get elves like the tattooed/war painted, war-worn, feral ones in the games.

[This is not me saying LOTR and TROP Elves aren't hot as f, they ARE. This is not the topic at hand here!]

Because PEAK ELVEN DESIGN, I fear.

Tolkien’s elves? Ethereal, angelic, glowing. Beautiful. Stunning. Untouchable.

Like if you even thought about kissing one, the Valar would descend from the sky and smite you for your audacity. They sip wine, play harps, and make tragic speeches about leaving the world. Very elegant. Very poetic.

Witcher elves??? Absolute MENACE ENERGY.

LOOK at them. Battle-scarred. Eyes filled with simmering rage. That perfect, tragic blend of feral rebellion and devastatingly hot. They have TATTOOS. They live in the woods like cryptids. They’d either kill you or make out with you against a tree, and either way, you’d thank them. If they showed up in Middle-earth, Legolas would have a crisis and need a week-long nap.

Where do I sign up. Where do I get the tattoos. How much blood must I spill. If I walk into a Witcher game and tell them, “Hi, I would like to look like I personally burned down a Nilfgaardian flag last week,” will they give me the blueprint???

Because I need it.

[Example: Iorveth and Vernossiel, bottom illustration is Isengrim Faoiltiarna]

[Example: Eldain from the Scoia'tael of Thronebreaker]

And listen—not ONLY the Scoia’tael have tattoos. Last I checked, Avallac’h was not running around the forests robbing people in the name of elven freedom. And yet. Look at him. LOOK AT HIM. Man’s got ancient glyphs all over him, looking like a walking high fantasy spellbook, and I, for one, think that’s hot as hell.

This is a scholarly, refined, magical man, and even he took one look at himself and thought, hmm, you know what would make me even sexier? Mysterious arcane body markings. AND HE WAS RIGHT.

[Example: Avallac'h]

[NB: Also, before anyone comes swinging at me like “um, are you advocating for terrorism???” or like "Are you saying terrorists are hot????", let me just stop you right there, bestie.

I KNOW. I know the Scoia’tael do not go about their goals in the best way. In fact, they go about it in the most catastrophically bad, "oh honey no," war-crimey way imaginable. If you’re looking for moral high ground, you are not going to find it in a bunch of elves committing highway robbery and taking hostages like it’s a national pastime. However. HOWEVER-

Before we start wringing our hands and clutching our pearls about how “oh no, they’re so violent,” let’s take a step back and remember why they are the way they are.

These are people—actual sentient, oppressed people—who have been colonized, harassed, forcibly displaced, treated like second-class citizens, burnt at the stake, r*ped, got their ears cut off, got their children taken away, who got murdered, their temples and religious icons destroyed and burnt to ashes, have their cultures and language torn to pieces and just generally brutalized for generations until any hope of peaceful co-existence got curb-stomped into the mud.

Imagine being told your entire people are obsolete, that you’re a relic of the past, that you don’t deserve to exist, and then watching your homes get burned down while the people doing it sip wine and call you "knife ears" while abusing your kin. At a certain point, some of them went “oh okay so what if we just started stabbing?” And yeah, that was not the best move. But also? Were they just supposed to sit there and take it?

So no, I am not here writing “Scoia’tael did nothing wrong uwu” because babes, they did everything wrong. Just a full bingo card of Bad Life Choices.

But I am saying maybe let’s not act like they woke up one day and thought, “hmm, you know what sounds fun? Terrorism!” No, bestie, that was a slow-burn pipeline of absolute, centuries-long despair. And while I will not defend their actions, I will say that if I, too, was a heavily persecuted elf who had watched my people suffer like that for generations and centuries, I would also consider an unhinged drastic and dramatic "arc".

Would I act on it? No. Would I get a face tattoo and live in the woods making dramatic speeches? Absolutely.]

Not saying Tolkien elves aren’t hot—they are, ethereal and glowing and all that—but tattooed elves?? Tattooed elves hit a SPOT. A very specific, feral, life-altering spot.

My favorite pick is Legolas, of course, since he’s an adventurous guy who’s been through a lot of crazy stuff and probably wouldn’t die immediately in the crazy world of the Witcher. He’s got a lot of experience fighting monsters too, he’s fought both intelligent armies and disorganized ones, he’s good at being quiet and unseen, smart about his movement as an elf with heightened hearing, sight, smell, endurance, ability to make light steps and leave no trace, etc… if he ran into Geralt, I have a feeling they’d do okay.

Geralt would probably appreciate an elf that wasn’t a jerk straight off, especially one that knows how to fight and won’t make a ton of noise all the time. Also being teachable and not arrogant, familiar with his own world’s monsters and able to adapt quickly to new situations, both strong and fast, humble and cheerful, and quick with languages as all Tolkien’s elves are by nature because he made them language nerds from day one… all of this would probably be something Geralt would appreciate in a traveling companion.

This seems like it would be a really interesting dynamic.

They would probably respect each other’s strength and skills, they’re both really smart so catching on with languages would probably be quick, they have slightly different skill sets that would complement a trip from wherever Legolas got dumped into the Continent to whatever magician who could send him back could be found.

They’ve both criss-crossed landmasses before, they’ve faced monsters, demon-like things, armies of men, armies of monsters, seen wonders and horrors, met amazing people and horrific people, and done incredible things.

I dunno’. It seems interesting.

Two people from very different worlds with some key differences and interesting outlooks.

ᅠᅠᅠᅠᅠᅠᅠ13 years ago “The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings” was released, which brought me to the fandom and introduced us to you!✨