#wishyoucouldreadthis

Dear You,

I write this fully knowing you wont read this. I write this wishing you could but I know it's better for us to stay as far away from each other as possible. A lot has been heavy on my mind. Most of my thoughts that haunt me are from my past and how I fell into my worse nightmare. We both wanted what was best. Things happened so fast. I am sorry.

I understand how frustrating it must have felt to not be able to fully disclose who I was. It was frustrating for me too. I made a choice to be with you even though we knew it was off limits. Our chemistry worked, in various ways. You knew the struggle and you wanted to make sure neither me or my daughter would experience that struggle. You wanted a partner who would motivate you to do great things, but the minute things felt off it feels like we both went off the rails. Unfortunately I didn't learn from my family's mistakes and I did not actively pursue a way to break this "generational curse" or whatever you wanna call it. I had selfish blinders on and became a shell of the person who intrigued you in the first place. That for sure was never my intention.

Thank you. I know I did not say it often. I still struggle with it today. I still struggle to voice my emotions in a healthy manner and establish safe boundaries. I can't imagine how you must feel. After the last time we spoke, things have changed. I know you probably heard that I was selected for the promotion I really really wanted and then decided to still leave that career behind.  As much as I was frustrated with things at times, we both know how hard of a decision that was for me. I'm doing alright. Going to school and therapy every two weeks. I have not been consistent with my mental health goals but I figured this was a good way to get you out of my system.

Anyways..

Although I understand why you would have felt those emotions, it still doesn't forgive the things that transpired between us in those last couple of months. The physicality of it all.. was brutal. You knew you didn't have to do all those things. You knew I didn't want to have sex that night and yet you proceeded while I just laid there, paralyzed, stunned, and exhausted from all the mind games we threw back and forth. And that day, I got pregnant. And I didn't know until weeks and weeks later when I noticed I missed my period and I was constipated out of my mind. I remember finding out on a Sunday night after I put my daughter to sleep. I went and got tested in the bathroom and I laid on my bed crying and defeated. This cannot be happening to me. Not only have I become the person I hate the most and experiencing some intense emotional and physical abuse, but I was pregnant and making preparations to separate so I can be far away from you.

I know how much you wanted your own child. The way you were with my daughter was great. You loved her as if she was yours and so did your family. I wanted to give you a child. Trust me. I wanted my lil girl to be a big sister. I wanted it but I knew that I needed to distance myself from you and I could not have handled carrying a child who will constantly remind me of that night. They were not conceived from love. That would not have been fair to anyone if I had kept it. The day of our last encounter, I was hoping and praying that you didn't find out. I knew it would destroy you and I did not do it to be hateful towards you. I did it because logically, it would not have worked for anyone. And it was the hardest decision of my life. I have been so fucked up in the head that I didn't really realize what happened until I was sitting in a chair getting woken up and told to text my chaperone to come help me get to the car. The minute I stepped out of that clinic, I sobbed. I was embarrassed, remorseful, hurt....I always said I don't think I could have possibly gotten an abortion unless certain circumstances are met, and they were.

I spent the rest of that day in bed crying and sleeping. Hoping you wouldn't randomly show up while I was gone "camping". Fuck, I can't even believed I went to those lengths to do all that. Our last day together, I had basically given up. I knew I broke you just as much, maybe even more, as you broke me. I was numb and preparing myself to face the music because that's what you told me. Karma is a bitch. I took a life, you wanted to take mine. But I couldn't let that happen. And for some reason you didn't do it. I hope that moment was your "oh shit" moment. Much like the one I experienced weeks prior but failed to properly act on due to fear. I still carry that fear with me. I still carry every insult I received and that I delivered. I still carry that feeling of being less than trash because of my actions. At times, I still feel like I'm 2 inches tall. I can't seem to let you go. Our relationship was a hurricane. Everything happened fast. Started rough and ended rougher. But the eye of the storm sure was beautiful, huh?

I can still see your headlights, driving away and there's tears in my eyes

i can still hear my mother ask are you okay? and i break down like that.

i never break down like that..

Its been a year now since you left(for the first time)

but i can still see it in the back of my head

8 months of you, when you made me your own

now its so unfamiliar being alone

but i still remember those sunday drives through the town, trying to find who had the best chocolate croissant around

in your car driving was my favorite sound

i still remember that red light that you almost ran because your focus was holding my hand

but i still can't remember why it had to end

so now you go and take me off of all your things,

do you keep anything to remind you of me?

id like to call you just to check in

but id hear your voice and the memories would begin--again

time goes by and the seasons change but not a day i don't wish that you would've stayed

you will move on and you'll meet someone new, but chances are ill still be caught up on you

I'm caught up on you.

Yung feeling na parte ako ng buhay niya dati.. sobrang saya lang e. 

Pero ngayon na hindi na. okay lang naman..masaya na rin naman ako kahit na nagdradrama na naman ako dito. (kfoine. dito lang naman. secret lang natin to. haha.)  pero pag nakikita ko profile niya tsaka mga updates tungkol sa kanya. parang nakakalungkot. dati ako ung unang sinasabihan ng mga ginagawa niya... pero ngayon.. wala na akong alam. 

HI! Kilala mo pa ba ako? ugh. musta na?

parang strangers na nga lang talaga ulit tayo. grabe ha! kala ko ba friends? pero parang sa salita na lang yon. haha. anobato. pfft. ayun di naman sa umaasa ako or something. gusto ko lang shempre bumalik ung friends pa rin. ung pwede kitang makausap . ung pwede kitang i-pm kung kelan ko gusto. or kung may kailangan ako. ung ikaw na i-chachat ako sa ym at magdoodoodle at maglalaro ng tic tac toe. ung pwede kitang tawagan kasi nag-unli call ako at bored talaga ako kaya nagtatawag ako ng kung sinu-sino. ung ikaw na natatawag ko pag nakakasalubong or nakikita ko sa school. ung ikaw na ngingitian ako. ung ikaw na kilala ko before naging tayo.

kelan kaya ulit to?