Phil didn’t care, he wasn’t the kind of guy who cared. He knew they loved him. He knew he loved him. The question was, why was he feeling this strange unpleasant sensation coursing through his veins? Burning his insides and destroying all the self-confidence he had left? 200,000 and something people were consuming his ego and worst of all, the person he was in love with was their leader. A feeling of worthlessness seized him and he couldn’t do anything about it.

Get better, change, you’ll never be good enough and you’ll never be him.

 Phil sighed at the sight of his Youtube statistics and roughly closed his laptop before falling on his bed and bringing his knees to his chest. He didn’t have the right to think like this. Sitting in front of camera and talking about his day, his childhood or everything that would come to his mind, he loved it, he had been doing it for more than five years after all, it was just….hard these days. The raven-haired boy closed his eyes, he had predicted it three years and a half ago, the day they met, the day he had laid his eyes on the beautiful face and perfectly shaped body that belonged to Daniel James Howell. “This kid will go far” he had thought innocently, unaware that it was actually going to happen. A rushed knock on the door prevented him from drowning into darker thoughts and Phil lazily stood up to turn the doorknob, revealing a dimpled tanned face. “Philly! I’ve got good news!” Dan grinned, jumping a little bit. “Hum…let me guess, another of your videos has reached the great million?” Phil replied, a little bit sarcastically and faked a smile. “Yeah!”  The younger boy nodded, and pulled his flat mate into a tight hug, not noticing his annoyed tone. Phil lazily hugged back, feeling a lump in his throat that he didn’t manage to hold back. Soon, tears were running down his face, soaking Dan’s shoulder. Jealousy, so much jealousy, scared of losing this little notoriety that had brought him so much. “A-Are you crying?” the younger boy stuttered, Phil didn’t reply and pulled back, looking down at his mismatched socks.  

And at this very moment, Dan knew. He sighed and lied down next to his boyfriend, wrapping his arms around his waist and holding him close. He buried his face in the crook of Phil’s neck, placing a light kiss on the pale soft skin. “You know what, I don’t care if they are five, I don’t care if they are a million, I don’t care if they are six hundred thousand and you know why I really don’t give a fuck about a stupid number? Because I’ve got you. You mean so much more than a number on a website, think about it Phil. You mean so much more.” The raven-haired boy lapped up everything Dan whispered and he understood. It didn’t matter, because all he had to do to feel loved was turning around and press his lips to the love of his life’s, the familiar warm feeling reminding him that he was the luckiest guy in the world.