#windyskynance

I miss you.

I love you

I warned you that I would need you to hold on and help me to refocus

You scare me with the way you made me feel, and make me cower too, because I know I have messed up so much that you would be finished forever and I took that chance this time and I guess I felt like I deserved it, losing you, because of the horrible person that you feel I am, because of hurting you even a little, when I did a lot..

I have no idea how to deal with any of this foreign policy

I am just trying to redeem myself too, in God’s eyes I am forgiven but it takes time for us humans to get there too…

I am flawed. I am full of the ability to sin and I am trying to learn to listen more to what God says to me and the things that I ask for…

There will be a time when they are all grown and I am alone in it all.

I know that I tried. I continue to try and I will forever try

To be better than the me I was yesterday …More understanding than the me tomorrow and more loving and giving than the me today…

I love you then, I love you still

Sweet dreams or no dreams

She can still miss you and know that she gave you up because you deserved better than she was able to give at the time

You feel like she shouldn’t have any feelings about it because she is the one who walked away.

Even if she walked away because she struggled to know how to deal with life and living in happiness and did not know what to do with herself

She still talks to her therapist a couple times a week

She still prays for you when she says her prayers before sleep

She doesn’t always see the hurt

She wants to be needed as well as wanted

That is all she has ever wanted but always felt like she wasn’t enough not enough

They say hurt people

Hurt people and I believe that is true but how long of getting help do you feel the difference

How long before others notice the difference

And that this difference is here to stay

I am missing him in ways I never did the other

She was fighting with her own past destruction, trying, seeking, learning,to stand it’s hard for , to stay these days instead of running.

Sometimes the fight is between the you that is now and the you that was then.

A fight between the two of you, the you and me, the me, myself and I of it all.

The one who always believed she wasn’t enough and the one who fights to be enough,

She doesn’t know how to be the one who gets to keep happiness, she doesn’t know how to accept the happiness.

How can you possibly explain, when you don’t understand the overwhelming feelings and doubts and fears and love and just being.

I know there will be a day when I am all alone and my house is empty.

I know that I will be

Realization of what is lost seems to come in hindsight doesn’t it….

Those we hurt do not deserve that

And they do not forget it either

PTSD she has, anxiety and depression and so much more during crisis in her health and in her mind and in her spirit and in her heart

And in her heart she still hopes for forgiveness for it all

She hopes for love in the end to persevere and mend the wounds that have been left behind

all the wounds she has fought to mend both hers and his

and all the ones that she has inflicted in her own battle.

Is not the bread in need of rising before you bake it?

Is not the heart in need of healing before you take on more ?

Then why didn’t she do that?

So desperate for love and to be wanted was she?

Never before knowing a connection like she experienced with tea, why would she not know what that was like?

When everything else just wasn’t.

How do you explain the difference in the numbers

What do you say to the person who sees you for the first time?

What do you tell yourself when you always believed the lies

You are walking in the now but what of eternity?

Who do you want to walk beside?

Do you keep breathing at the bottom of the lake or do you swim to the top

He will never forgive the brokenness that has led you here

Her heart still learning to beat again, has no idea what to do when touched by actual love

Why bother to wonder, you will never get it back

But it is a comfort to know that it does exist after all,

I love you.

Kiss you

Hug you

I am sure you don’t care

But I will say it anyway.

Sweet dreams or no dreams

Sending prayers to you

Shadowed grey clouds running across the sky

You can feel the temperature drop as you watch the trees shake and dance with the wind, it slowly makng moves to push the clouds around

I want to reach out to him and ask how he has been but I don’t because I am a coward and afraid of him just ignoring me like he never knew me.

I close my eyes and pretend anyway….