Day 48: The Comeback Character
Here I'm deconstructing a character that I find myself accessing daily at some point during my day. it is the 'comeback character'. The Comeback Character is the character I have created as the brilliant comeback artist that can expose a person's weaknesses, hypocrisies, deception, dishonesty with perfect timing in perfect specificity with no preparation - completely in the moment! What an awesome power to have! Basically, as the Comeback Character I am always right - I always come out 'on top' in the situation.Â
The problem is, this character is the manifestation of the accumulation of backchat that I allowed as judgments and spitefulness toward others when I faced a situation where someone reacted to me in judgment toward me, or when I took something personally and felt powerless, or felt that I had 'lost', or was 'wrong' and the other person walked away with the 'upper hand' and saw themselves as 'right'.Â
The backchat basically goes: "How dare they walk away believing they were right, don't they see they themselves were the one who was wrong because they were allowing this and allowing that within themselves, and they weren't being Self Honest!" And I go into this reaction / backchat because, in the moment of the interaction I myself reacted in judgment toward the other person / toward something they were doing / saying / allowing, instead of simply directing myself / communicating with the other directly within standing as them one and equal, immediately in common sense, and then afterward felt like I 'didn't get my point across to them', and didn't 'make them see and understand that they were wrong, that they were the one being dishonest'. And, the reason I reacted in judgment is because, instead of simply expressing what I saw in the moment / communicating in the moment - I turned what I saw / realized about what the other was doing / saying / allowing into 'my point of view' as a self definition - and then, since I was preoccupied with my own reaction of judgment, I didn't get the chance to 'get my point of view across', and then afterward felt like I had 'lost'.
So then, afterward as I am walking my day - usually when I'm busy with some simple task like raking out the stable, or walking from here to there, I'll find myself accessing the 'comeback character' where I will all of a sudden replay the memory of the event in which I 'lost' and 'couldn't get my point of view across', and will evaluate the person that I perceived 'won' within the event, and scan their words, their actions, conversations I remember having with them, things other people have said about them, to find points where they were dishonest, or allowing some bullshit - and then I walk through the memory of the event where I 'lost' - except this time I walk through the event as the 'comeback character' that enters the interaction armed with a nice arsenal of 'ammo' that I've prepared myself with in order to deftly expose them as the dishonest one - where I shoot them down perfectly and they see - oh, I am the dishonest one, I now see what you are saying, and then I feel better.
So, the Comeback Character is a Character whose mission is to 'Correct' events that I've stored as memories within which felt that I 'lost' within an interaction with another, so that I emerge as the one who wins.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a character in my mind called the 'comeback character' whose purpose is to gather memories of interactions in which I experienced I 'lost' or 'failed to get my point across', and to then go on a mission to access memories I have about the person who I perceived 'won', and to find something I can use against them as a point of showing them they are wrong, and to then take this ammunition and replay the memory where I 'lost', and then, as the 'comeback character', unleash my ammunition I've prepared myself with, and deftly, precisely expose them / show them they are the one who is wrong / dishonestÂ
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this whole process of 'memory correction' and to store / hold onto the 'corrected memory' in the hope that I will get to use my new found and newly tested 'ammunition' / 'comeback' against the person when and as that situation / interaction arise again in my world, because I want to experience myself as being 'right'Â
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that, the reason I felt that I had 'lost' was that, instead of within the interaction being here as breath, standing one and equal with the person and simply expressing what I saw / communicating what I saw / applying common sense within what is best for all within the situation, I judged the person for whatever point of dishonesty I saw them allowing within themselves, and took what I saw in them and made it into 'my point of view' as a self definition -- and why? Because I allowed myself to become addicted to experiencing the energy / positive experience of 'me being right' because when I feel like I am 'right' I feel powerful
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the way I manifest / create the experience of 'being right' is through, within the interaction separating myself from the person / other through placing myself as a judge to / toward them as being 'wrong' / 'inferior' based on some point of dishonesty I saw in them, and placing myself as 'my point of view' within my mind as being 'right' / 'superior', within this manifesting a friction relationship between me and 'the other person' as a 'negative experience' I experience within myself, wherein - I must then get the other person to see and understand and acknowledge that they are 'wrong' and I am 'right' so that I can validate / confirm / prove my self definition as my point of view toward them as being 'wrong' so that I can then 'feel right' as the 'positive experience' -- but within this, what happens is that since I am preoccupied with my friction experience of negativity within the desire to prove myself 'right' - the adrenaline / fear of being seen as 'wrong' takes over and then I miss out on my 'chance' to come up with the perfect word placement to 'show them' that 'they are wrong' -- and then all of a sudden, it's 'too late' as I have become so reactive that if I were to speak, it would be obvious that I am reacting -- and I must hide this at all costs because if I were to show that I am reacting - then I would be admitting 'defeat' and would have to give up my 'point of view' / desire to be 'right' / desire to 'show the other that they are the dishonest one'.Â
Within this then I end up walking away from the event / situation feeling like I 'lost my chance to be right' / 'fucked up my chance to experience myself as right'
I then capture this event as a memory - and this is the foundation from which I created the 'comeback character' - which I then, later in my day, or even later in the week or maybe months later even, will access and begin the process of gathering 'ammo' with which to, in my mind formulate the 'perfect comeback' to use in correcting the memory of the event within my mind so that I emerge as the one who is 'right' and can finally have my 'positive experience' of 'winning / being right'.
Interesting, because the reason it may take days, weeks, or months before the 'comeback character' is activated and brings up the memory of the event in which I experienced that I 'lost', is because I see that the whole time I am actually walking my day evaluating people, what they are saying, what they are doing - and storing it as memories. And then, once I've accumulated enough memories to be able to identify something in what the person has said / done that is 'dishonest' -- I then access the 'comeback character' and replay the memory of that initial event in which I experienced that 'I lost', and 'correct' the event / memory using the ammunition I've gathered which I can use 'against' the other person within my mind, to - within 'correcting the event' in my mind, finally emerge as the 'right one' so I can secretly in the realm of my own mind, experience that I finally won - or that 'I could have won', or that 'see, I was right all along'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a whole process of gathering and storing memories / information about the people in my world toward which I experienced that I 'lost' within some interaction with them, so that I can then later in my mind create the perfect comeback using the data / information I collected about them as memories, to then go back into the memory of the initial event in which I experience that I 'lost', and 'correct' the event using my new, perfect comeback.
Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reason I manifested this whole process is because within the initial interaction with the person where I saw something in them / saw a point of dishonesty they were allowing, I separated myself from them through judgment which I did automatically because I had become addicted to the creation of the 'me being right' experience -- which requires firstly for me to separate myself from the person so I can judge them as 'wrong' and then attempt to get them to acknowledge that they see my point of view as 'right' so I can feel 'right'
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so addicted to the feeling of 'being right', that I ignored my initial, deliberate separation of myself from the person through judging them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within this whole process of finally, through the 'comeback character' achieving an experience of 'being right' - that I am 'actually right', lol - instead of realizing that 'being right' was a delusion - an experience I created in the self interest of wanting to have an experience of energy, where I fucked up my opportunity to assist and support another as one and equal with me, to see a point of dishonesty they were allowing in themselves, through accepting and allowing myself to turn what I saw into a self definition as 'my point of view' because I wanted to experience that 'I am right'
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with wanting to 'show another their dishonesty', so that I ignored / denied my own self dishonesty of separating myself from the person through judgment within my desire to experience myself as 'right' and for them to acknowledge that they are 'wrong'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automate / program myself with the pattern of the desire to experience myself as 'right', so that, within a moment where I see a point of dishonesty someone is allowing in themselves, I immediately go into judgment, turning what I see into a self definition as 'my point of view', separating myself from them into and as a relationship of friction / negative experience as preparation to then attempt to get them to acknowledge that they 'see and understand my point of view' so I can 'feel right' as a 'positive experience'
Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility to stop my desire to experience 'being right' and to within this stop taking what I see in others and turning it into my 'point of view' as 'I am right because I see what you are allowing, and you are wrong because you don't see what you are allowing'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the Comeback Character because, in the moment where I became so reactive that I then couldn't speak, I feared being seen as the 'dishonest one', because then I would have to give up my point of view that 'I am right' -- wherein I then created the Comeback Character to access later on in my mind to go back and 'correct' the memory of the event in which I became too reactive to speak, by creating a perfect 'comeback' that would 'show them' that 'they are wrong' and 'force them' to acknowledge that 'they are the dishonest one'
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as 'wrong'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing my own reaction and taking responsibility for my reaction, because I didn't want to give up my desire to 'experience being right'
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that, communicating and sharing with each other about what we see each other allowing as points of dishonesty, is not about trying to show the other person that they are 'wrong' -- because, it's not about 'right and wrong', or 'winning and losing' -- It's about standing Here, One and Equal with Each Other, and looking at what is Best for All Life - and within this, when and as I see a point of dishonesty someone is allowing - I stand one and equal to them, and share what I see - not as a point of judgment, but as a point of supporting another to see where they are allowing themselves to compromise themselves as Life through allowing a point of self dishonesty - that's it -- there's no 'experience' involved --- no 'experience' of being 'right', or 'being wrong' -- and it's not about taking what I see and making it into a 'point of view' that I must 'get the other person to understand' -- because then I am making what I see into knowledge and information as a way to make myself feel like I am 'more' than another -- When in fact, in seeing a point of dishonesty someone is allowing in themselves, I am not 'more than them' -- because, the point is that I see those points because I have seen them already in myself and walked through them and deleted them with self forgiveness and self honesty and self corrective application - and I am simply assisting another to see where they can assist and support themselves more specifically -- within standing one and equal to them as Life -- whereas, taking what I see in another and making into 'my point of view', is a point of Ego creation as Separation -- wherein, then I am not assisting or supporting another to become Life - I am in fact supporting the existence of separation through Ego / personality / points of view
When and as I find myself accessing the Comeback Character -- I stop and immediately identify the point where I am wanting to 'be right' within the memory I am accessing as the Comeback Character, and within that identify the point where I separated myself from the person in the memory through a point of judgment / point of view / self definition / fear of revealing my reaction / dishonesty and stand one and equal with the person, and let go of the judgment / point of view / self definition / fear of revealing my dishonesty / reaction, and I keep identifying and letting go of the points until I am Here, Clear, Silent
Within this, I identify where I as the Comeback Character am accessing various memories of someone to find points of dishonesty in them with which to construct a 'perfect comeback' , and I delete all the memories - and stand one and equal with the person, realizing - they are not a memory - my memory was something I captured within a point of self interest within wanting to find some 'dirt' on the person with which to construct a comeback I can use 'against them' --- I delete all the memories until I am Here, Silent, Darkness within
When and as I see a point of dishonesty within someone within a moment of communication / interaction with someone - I FIRSTLY make sure I am clear of any judgment / point of view / desire to be right, and I stand one and equal with the person as Me - and speak what is relevant / supportive in the moment -- within realizing, the point is what is best for all - assisting and supporting all to become what is best for all - which always starts with ME assisting and supporting myself to be what is best for all which requires ME to firstly be Self Honest in Every Moment
I commit myself to show how the experience of 'being right' is a 'positive experience' always based on an initial starting point of 'negativity' as separation from and of another through judgment and the creation of 'points of view' as a self definition, where within this I manifest myself into and as a limited experience of energy generated through a relationship to / towards another as friction where I will then maintain my relationship of and as friction through separation as negativity in order to continuously generate a 'positive' experience so that I can feel like I am experiencing 'more of myself' - which is only 'myself' as a character of and as energy created through separation - a character that exists as the repetition of memories as all my experiences as a character are defined by memories of what I have experienced - wherein, I am not Here living and expressing as Life as what is Best for All, but am existing in and as an alternate reality of Mine / Mind in which I am mining others for energy for experiences through relationships of separation / friction
I commit myself to stop existing as characters of and as energy experiences created through separation in self interest, and to re-establish myself as a real being Here one and equal with all Life that Lives what is Best for All in every moment
To understand how separation and the creation of negative and positive experiences works, read
