#wiltts

Some times I felt like this song flooded my mind with all these worries that I’ve been thinking about and I start to believe I’ve gone crazy. It made me want to curl up in a ball on my bed under the covers and be with my feelings. maybe cry for a bit. 

Other times it was soothing and comforting. The beats and slow rise and fall through out the song was exhilarating to listen to. I felt free from all the stress and i could totally fall asleep to this. It was almost like I was flying in the clouds under pastel skies (very cheesy to say but it’s true) and i could stay there for as long as i wanted. 

The song itself is quite sad, so of course I feel sad whenever I listen to this. But nowadays i’m getting tired of self-pitying. I’m so sick of being sad all the time. I want to be more optimistic, but no matter how much i say that, it’s so hard to do.

I have no reason to be sad except that I’m not happy with the person I’ve become. I see myself as a weak hearted person who’s afraid to step out of her comfort zone. I’m so afraid of many things, i’m afraid of failure, embarrassment, emotions, intimacy, commitment (no i’m not talking about my love-life bc i dont have one lol), and uncertainty.

All these fears are causing me to hide in my comfort zone. I don’t want to face it. I’m too weak to change it. and I hate that about myself. Why can’t I be brave? Why do I have to do this to myself? What am I making it so hard? I wish I could magically change with a simple flip of a switch.

when he says “if you feel like you’re about to crash, accelerate more” it was motivating me to not be lesser than I can be. I’m not at my fullest capacity and I can do better than to give up.

“there are things in the world that you can’t help” rapmon’s part was a reassuring touch to the song because I’m so worried about things that are out of my control (but i still have a lot of things are i can control, but i don’t have guts to do) that can’t be changed. I have to learn to accept what happens to me and take it in.

i don’t give a shit, i dont give a fuck. spoken like a true hero suga. i love when bts swears and when suga said this im like yeeesss say it like you mean it! and it also made me feel liberated bc there’s so much angst and sadness in me that i just need to swear at the top of my lungs with no fucks to give about who hears me. 

the amount of badassery in this song gets me really pumped up and my emotions are on high. I feel some sort of mix of sadness and happiness and it really screws me up

Im back from winter break and i miss my home so much. I miss sleeping in and not having to worry about school or work. I miss watching kdramas and bts videos everyday and eating whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted. I miss my family and my friends dearly.

I have so much to do for this new semester and work is giving me anxiety as usual. with this added responsibility of having to buy books, worksheets, figuring out classes, my major, and a surplus of other things, i feel like im having a mental breakdown.

normally, i’m a very sensitive, weak person. i cant handle unexpected situations well, stress is my worst nightmare, emergencies and accidents are horrendous, stepping out of my comfort zone is even worse. I cant handle things well. Im not optimistic or confident in myself. so im not sure how this new semester will treat me and if i’ll be able to make it.

this stress is causing me to think about stuff i dont want to because its gonna make things worse. i dont want to be here in my dorm anymore. i want to trash this place and break every piece of shitty furniture in this room and vandalize the hall with my hidden anger. see? this is what bts does to me. i shouldn’t be listening to INU. theres so many things that i just hate about this place and i want to break every rule, every hierarchy, every social norm, and let out my pent up anger. 

i do have to admit that im scared. theres so many questions that are unanswered and its giving me anxiety. what if i cant handle this semester what if i mess this up and i have to live with this regret, guilt, embarrassment forever. am i just paranoid, do i need to see a doctor, is this really the life i want?! wth am i doing? im really contemplating if this is all important enough for me to continue, but im so scared about disappointing my parents, and myself. 

I need a future me to tell me that everything is gonna be alright and that what im doing now, what im feeling now, what im scared of now, is perfectly okay. that everything will fall into place and lead to a better future. I need a future me to comfort me like no one else has and lend me a shoulder to lean on. I NEED U GIRL! yeah i guess thats how bts fits into this rant.  

at this point, im ready to throw away my good girl image and live a rebellious life not giving a fuck if i skip class and spend time on finding my true self. but my morals are keeping me from doing. but i think my morals are changing as well. 

tbh the first time i listened to this, i felt really depressed lol i was going through a lil heartbreak and thought of how things never work out but now that i listen to it, the same sad feeling applies differently. 

now i think of how i wish time would go back so that i could redo things, relive days, or change some things. There are things that I regret not doing and words that I wanted to say but out of fear, I didn’t. Seeing how my life is now, I want to change my past so that i could live happier than I am currently.

and i know people say the past is the past, live in the present, and stuff but its hard. i can’t live in the present when i feel like its shit and i want to go back to the past and change history. I want to make everyday a good day but I regret so many things that I can’t move on. 

time passes and i feel more lost than ever. I don’t know who I am as a person. I dont know what the future is like and if I can even handle it. all of this is due to my past. the things i did and didn’t do have led to now and potentially later and if i knew it’d be like this, I would’ve done things differently. 

I’m not happy with the person i’ve become. Im not as great as I want to be. i’m not the person my 12 year old self was hoping to be. 

I’ve learned what it really feels like to be alone. For weeks I spent time by myself, in my dorm, eating by myself, Saturday nights by myself, closing myself off from the world. It felt horrible. 

More than anything, at that time, I needed someone to talk to who would listen to my issues and tolerate my venting. But what i was scared most of was people. 

I guess you could say I’m shy. I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of talking to new people, because I feared they would get tired of me. I was scared of the awkwardness due to my boring personality. I didn’t (and still don’t) know how to converse well enough to make myself sound interesting. If im not itneresting, then who’s gonna have the will to talk? 

So I haven’t yet found that group of friends that’s depicted on movies and stories. I hate it. and I hated admitting that. It took a while to admit that I was lonely and i wasn’t okay with it, although i try to act like i am.

It feels terrible to not have one single person who knows you. Truly knows you. Every single habit, preference, personality, actions, and thought process. It feels like you’re surviving alone in this world. It’s possibly the worst feeling I’ve ever felt. I know I may sound dramatic, but this is completely new to me and I don’t know how to deal with it.

This is a whole other issue that can go on. My point with this is that, like Hyehwa-dong, I wish to go back to my childhood where I would play with my friends and cousins everyday, ride our bikes around the neighborhood and pretend we were on missions to find clues, have sleepovers every weekend and resist going home the next morning. It was so much more comfortable.