#willbebetter

I mean I know he was battling cancer… we all know it is not easy, especially being in advanced stage… I wonder what kind of life AV played during his last few breaths. Did he miss his mother’s warmth? Did he miss his wife’s kisses? Did he miss his children’s smiles?

I wonder if he regretted anything. I wonder if he could go back, he will decide not to touch the monster that made him suffer so much. I wonder if he knows I regret not being able to provide him with a view of his grand kid? I wonder if he is still with me sheltering me, guiding me through this horrible journey so I don’t break down alone? I wonder if he is waiting with me and for me to depart to a no suffering place until I get a chance to say my final goodbye?

I wonder he knows how much love he left behind in this world? I wonder he knows how many people are grieving his loss? I wonder if he knows how many people are amazed at the legacies he left behind?

I have so many questions that will never be answered. “Vedam Venkata Subba Murali Krishna” will stop existing in this world in just a couple of days. So I guess rather than wondering, I should look more closely at the people he left behind.

As they say, a death doesn’t just mean the person left this world, it also means he forever took a part of us away. His wife doesn’t have anyone whom she will lovingly call ‘oye’, his kids don’t have anyone whom they will call ‘nanna’. Those words will never be uttered by three of us anymore for the rest of our lives. His wife will never hear him call her ‘chitti’. His daughter will never hear him call her ‘bangaru talli’. His son will never hear him call him ‘bangaru konda’. We are not just mourning the loss of the most important person in our life, we are also mourning about the things that he took away with him. He took away our banters about politics and religion. He took away that pillar of support who stood by us and protected us at all times. He took away the strength that came with him to motivate us to achieve things. He took away the ocean of knowledge, the unsatisfied curiosity, the superhero strength.

Nevertheless, life goes on. This gaping hole we feel will never ever be filled. But we will learn to live with it. We will acknowledge his absence, accept things have changed, try and build our lives around the hole. One day, we will live our lives with his phantom presence guiding us to be a better version of ourselves. We will reminisce the memories of him and not cry anymore. We live on so we can fondly remember him and celebrate the magnanimous life he lived.