#wildiron

It was never meant to be like this.

Wild Guardy could barely stand to see Blue Cop these days, though at the same time, he couldn't bring himself to look away. The bot he had idolized for so long, having been his alone to love for such a short period of time - what felt like nothing but a blip in the time span that was their lives. He had given Blue Cop all his love, and in the end, when Flame Nova had made his return and he saw the conflict within Blue Cop's optics, he knew what he needed to do. It tore through his core, but he couldn't stand to see his beloved so distraught and conflicted.

He made the choice for him - he released Blue Cop from his love and encouraged him to be with Flame Nova; they had been with one another for far longer before everything had happened, and that was a history that his loyalty nor his love could compare to as much as he dreamed, wished and hoped that it could. That it could've proved more important and valuable than history.

The problem that arose with this decision, however, was the fact that - beyond Blue Cop - Wild Guardy had not bothered to cultivate any meaningful relationships with any of the other bots. Not in the same way that he had with Blue; the way that he could lean on him for support just as he had always been there to support him. The way that he could talk to him about whatever it was that was troubling him, or hurting him. He had none of that now. With the loss of Blue Cop by his side, Wild Guardy had no one to support him as his world came crumbling down around him. His core was torn asunder with the weight of his crumbling emotions and shattered love, and there was no one to keep him steady in the face of it all.

He was alone.

Alone in a storm he never thought that he would be trying to withstand; one that was far worse than anything he had ever attempted to go through before in his entire life. And even with the pain that he was suffering, the regrets and questions and doubts that roared in his processor like thunder and rain, he made sure that no one knew. Even though there was a part of him that was so desperate to have someone to stand with him through all of this, to tell him that it would be alright and to support him as he suffered, he refused to show it. He didn't want anyone's pity or sympathy. These emotions made him weak, and as a proper knight, he shouldn't let these things trouble him so - he should be able to stand on his own two pedes and brave this like every other problem that came before. Blue Cop and his well being were the priority - not him. Never him.

It had become almost a brand new mission for him - something that he had to do: hide. Not physically, but emotionally. There was no room in knighthood for these feelings, nor was there time to wallow in the spiral that he refused to acknowledge that he was going down. Yes, the others were his friends and even Blue Cop had reassured him before going to Flame Nova that he would always be there for him - oh, how he wished he could believe that like he did before. There was no feasible way that he could, not like it was before. It would never be like it was before.

Wild Guardy threw himself into his training and patrols, working harder than ever to not only become a better knight, but to block out every small thought or emotion that threatened to bubble up. However, the worst times were when he was out on a patrol of the city during the dead of night with no one with him but his own thoughts. During these hours, when he knew that everyone back at the garage was asleep, and that there was nothing else to distract him while on those late night drives, his processor was bombarded with the what ifs. The what ifs of Flame Nova having never returned, of Blue Cop not having to be put in the position where he was meant to choose between two different loves… of himself holding onto Blue Cop and trying to convince him to stay with him instead of leaving him for the bot that had hurt him in so many ways and so many times. It was those thoughts that would have him parking in a secluded lot or alley and cry to himself, his core breaking further each and every time. He didn't blame Blue Cop for not fighting harder to stay with him - he blamed himself for letting go too quickly. To him, there was no way things could be fixed and there was no way that he could ever have that love again. These silent moments where he could find his painful release kept him going for a time, but how long would that last? How long until it wasn't enough and he wanted - needed - to find a different outlet. An escape from the constant pain he was in? In the depths of these moments, one thing that somehow always managed to hurt worse than the thoughts of what could have been if things were different - that he had acted and chose differently - was the want to have someone there with him. The need to have someone be there for him and to hold him while he cried and shattered; someone to hold him together when he couldn't do so himself.

During the days between these dark nights, he threw himself further into his training - doing whatever he could to drown out the thoughts in his processor and to keep himself occupied so that he wouldn't focus on how happy Blue Cop was with Flame Nova now. And, as far as he was aware, no one seemed to care or worry about how distant he had been becoming in a way that he hadn't been before. Everyone save for Heavy Iron.

It was strange, and almost unsettling, at first when he realized just what the outlaw was doing. He had been in the middle of training when he had heard the other's low voice commenting on his stance. It had caused him to pause and look back at where the voice had come from, only to find that he was already looking away and toward the rest of the bots; his arms were crossed and he leaned against the side of the building with one pede partially propped up behind him on the wall. He had watched him for a few moments longer, waiting to see if he would turn around and speak again, but he hadn't. During those first few times, he forced himself to not focus on what the other was doing. What point was there to do so? However, as time passed and the outlaw became a more frequent guest to his private training sessions, his voice becoming something both a constant and comforting sound, Wild Guardy had found himself not only looking forward to those moments alone with him, but found a peace he'd been lacking since he had lost Blue Cop… That scared him more than he would ever want to admit.

After his realization, the time had become a bit more tumultuous. He felt comfort and reassurance whenever he would hear Heavy Iron speak up about how he was standing or how he held his blade, but at the same time there was an irritation that would cause him to snap more than he was comfortable with. He had started sinking back into the old habit of seclusion, of thinking that he didn't need help from anyone else - let alone the infamous outlaw! However, each training session that came after him snapping at the larger bot became far more painful and lonely than they had before… and he couldn't understand why. It had gotten to the point that, against his better judgment, when he had snapped once more and the bot had turned to take his leave, he had practically lurched forward to grab his servo; to keep him there with him… to reach out and silently ask for comfort. He had dismissed his blade and shield without thought when he had reached out, and it was to his surprise that Heavy Iron hadn't pulled away; there was a silent pause before he had been carefully scooped up and held. Away from prying eyes and distraction, the large arms around him having felt like shields against the pain and anguish he'd forced himself to weather alone for so long.

He hadn't known when Heavy Iron had sat down with him in his arms, or when he had started to hold on so tightly to the other… when he had begun to let himself feel all that he had suffered through and finally release it instead of keeping it bottled up inside. He hadn't known how long the two of them had sat like that with him pouring out his core while Heavy Iron simply listened and held him close, allowing him that moment of vulnerability. The only thing that had brought him back to the present and refocused him with a start had been the softest feeling against the top of his helm - a zap… a kiss. Such a small and simple motion had started a completely different storm within Wild Guardy that he was even less prepared for than the one he had been weathering before. He had panicked - pushed himself from Heavy Iron and his hold. His core had reacted almost as violently as he had when he looked up at the bot, questioning why he had done that; what reason did he have? The answer he received hadn't helped him: because he looked like he needed it.

A simple kiss - no hidden meanings, no weight to it unless it was a weight that Wild Guardy wanted to put to it. Had he wanted to? He didn't know. He hadn't been sure what to feel and it was too much… so, he ran.

He drove out of the yard, and kept driving. His thoughts were a maelstrom in his processor, trying to find meaning in what had happened, and why it had caused him to react as it had. He couldn't accept the fact that Heavy Iron could possibly feel that way for him, right? Even within his vehicle form, he could still feel the phantom touch of that kiss… there had to have been some other meaning behind it other than he simply looked like he needed it! Or had it really been that simple? By the time he was able to pull himself from his thoughts and started to calm down at least somewhat, he realized that he didn't know how long he had been driving, only recognizing just where he had ended up - the quarry where he had first defended Blue Cop and the rest of his team against Heavy Iron. He hadn't thought twice about turning in and staying there for a while; to say that he was exhausted after everything would've been an understatement. Though, even as exhausted as he had been, his thoughts never stalled for a moment; a constant replay of what had happened, how he reacted, how Heavy Iron had reacted… Being able to sit there in the quiet and sort through everything had an uncomfortable realization dawning on him. Every time his thoughts had turned back to how it felt being held by the giant bot, and even the feeling of that kiss to his helm, had him feeling lighter than he had been in months. Each time he had gotten to that conclusion, it took everything in him not to have the same anxiously violent reaction to what he was learning was the truth of how he felt toward the outlaw - whether he was ready to truly face it or not.

And, as he sat there, he could only think of one way to put these torturous, conflicting thoughts and emotions to rest. He had sent Heavy Iron a communication to meet him at the quarry. He needed to know what Heavy Iron was thinking when he had kissed his head - what he thought of him, truly.

Wild Guardy stared up at the sky above him as he laid on one of the faces of the cliff, perfectly slanted to be comfortable without the risk of him sliding off as well as giving him a perfect vantage point to see and hear anyone arriving without them noticing him until he was ready. Each minute that ticked by that Heavy Iron hadn't arrived yet, there was a nervous twisting in his tanks and fear in his core that this was a bad idea. That perhaps he should have kept everything to himself and simply put distance between him and the larger bot again… however, just thinking about doing that caused a far deeper ache in his core than he was prepared for, his servo having to come up and rub his chest. Even knowing the estimated time that the other would be arriving, it was hard for him not to consider possibilities that he might not come at all. Would it be so bad if he didn't? Perhaps it would give him more time to consider just what he wanted to say.

Though, not too long after that thought had crossed his processor did he hear the sound of an engine rumbling down the road toward the quarry. He lifted his helm and moved to sit up, watching the unmistakable shape of Heavy Iron making his way toward him; the sight caused another twisting in his tanks before he took a deep vent. He could do this.

He watched from where he sat for the time, taking in Heavy Iron as he rolled up and paused, idling for a moment before he transformed. Seeing his frame had his core lurching in a painfully familiar way, and his processor was immediately flooded with thoughts of when he had been held in those large arms - comforted by the very bot that, had he told himself years ago would treat him with such compassion and care, would've made him cringe and recoil at the mere idea of letting the outlaw look in his direction, let alone touch him! Returning his focus to the bot waiting for him, seeing how he crossed his arms and looked around as he waited for the knight to show himself… there was no further use in stalling. He stood, pausing for a moment before coming down from where he had essentially hidden himself and made his way forward; his servos curled and relaxed when the big rig's attention was drawn toward him - his optics softer than he had anticipated, with his pupils shown and his gaze patient and understanding.

"Heavy Iron." Wild Guardy started as he walked up to him, keeping their optics locked. It felt like it was taking everything in him to keep his composure as neutral and professional as he could - wanting to feel some semblance of control over the situation even if he couldn't quite hide the flicker of fear he felt in his optics. "Thank you for meeting with me, I… wanted to discuss something with you. Something important." Again, his servos curled and uncurled at his sides as he tried to keep his composure, hating how awkwardly professional he sounded, though he really had no idea how else to approach this - or Heavy Iron; the most infamous outlaw Machina had ever seen.

"Of course. What was it you wished to discuss?"

He stared for a moment, feeling his defenses rising; a metaphorical shield to protect himself from however this conversation might go. The topic was a highly sensitive one, and he knew that one small thing could send him back into the despair he had just begun to climb his way out of… with the help of Heavy Iron. There was a lot of weight being put on however the outlaw responded to him, and even though he knew the emotional dangers, he had to know. There was a hefty pause as he thought about his words, and how best to begin this conversation.

"We are both more than aware of how you have been watching me as I trained in the recent weeks. I need to know, when you see me, what comes to mind? What… do you think of me?" Another pause as Heavy Iron regarded him. While he was still anxious and fearful for what the other might say, there was a difference that he could notice through that fear - though, he wasn't sure if he could consider it a difference at all, as it was similar to that when he had held him…

"You are a knight of integrity." His attention was refocused back from his thoughts and to Heavy Iron as he spoke, "Dedicated to what you put your core to, reliable and determined to see things through to the end." Heavy Iron paused, seeming to watch him for his reaction. He kept his expression carefully neutral, though he could feel a building pressure in his chest from how his core took in every word, "You hold a core made of gold and diamond - both durable yet soft at the same time."

It felt as though someone had paused reality as he turned his words over in his processor; his arms felt stiff by his sides, servos nearly shaking, as he forced himself to remain still. The feeling in his core than he had been so afraid of earlier grew, and it was becoming even more clear just what that feeling was and how terrified he was of it. He was scared to be hurt again, to have to withstand that pain that he was certain that he wouldn't be able to survive should it pierce his core as it had just weeks ago. It had been a pain he never experienced before in his entire life before that moment - both emotional and physical, having been on deaths door before meeting Crest - and… and he was so tired of having to be strong and durable. A complete contradiction to his duty as a knight - having to put aside his personal emotions and feelings aside for the sake of those he stood for and protected. His helm tilted down as he looked at his pedes, conflicting emotions in his optics as he tried to make sense of the sudden whirlwind he was put in again while trying to keep himself contained at the same time. Becoming so focused on that, he hadn't noticed that Heavy Iron had knelt before him, reaching out to take his chin and gently tilt his helm back up so that they could look at one another again.

"I have met many knights in my time, however, none have been quite as guarded in themselves as I have seen in you." Another pause, "There is nothing and no one to tell you that you have to handle your pain on your own, or let it be shown instead of bottling it up. Even knights are allowed to be normal bots."

With their gazes locked again, it was more clear than he would've ever liked how conflicted he was feeling. Wanting to reject the idea that he could ever be normal - he had a sworn duty. What good was he to anyone if he wasn't at his best at all times? To allow himself to simply… be? He could feel his walls begin to crumble. Was he ever truly at his best when he couldn't even regulate his emotions properly and was on the verge of a breakdown at any given moment? It was like his processor had shut off and his frame went on autopilot as he stepped closer to the kneeling outlaw and practically fell against him, pressing his face against his chest before bringing his arms up to hold onto him. He just wanted to protect those he cared about… why did he have to fall so deeply for some of them?

He remained like that for a moment, about to pull away before he felt Heavy Iron's arms come forward to wrap around him and lift him up to properly hold him. The second time within the day that he had been held and comforted by the outlaw, and it only served to make clearer how he had begun to feel for the bot. It didn't help at all when he both heard and felt Heavy Iron's engine begin to rumble in a low and comforting manner. Oh, how he wanted to let himself shatter in his arms again as he finally let himself come to terms with the enjoyment and safety he felt in the outlaw's arms… It felt almost unreal to him how someone could not only understood him, but encouraged him in what he needed, yet here was Heavy Iron doing exactly that. He was certain now that if his younger self could have imagined, he might have just checked himself into the closest medical facility for a malfunction.

However, there was more to discuss. He knew that he couldn't hold off what he was feeling for long, even as the fear had started to slowly creep back into his frame. It felt different this time, though not entirely. He let himself rest against Heavy Iron for a few minutes more, working through how he wanted to word what he wanted to say. While the fear of how Heavy Iron would react sat in his tanks, he could feel a blossom of confidence as well. He… He just wasn't sure that, if this didn't go well, if he would be able to continue on as if it never happened. How he would ever be okay again…

"There is something else I wanted to discuss… Something I have discovered about myself." He started, gently pushing back to look up at Heavy Iron. He knew the larger bot didn't care to mess around with frivolous words or meaningless nonsense. "I... I believe I have feelings for you. The way you comforted me when I needed comfort most of all has touched me to my core. When I needed someone, you were there for me. It showed me... That I was not alone." His voice was soft as he continued, his core feeling like his was spinning faster as Heavy Iron looked down at him and met his gaze once more; he felt one of his thumbs gently rubbing his back, which helped to calm him somewhat.

He couldn't believe he was admitting this. He hoped that Heavy Iron didn't reject his feelings - at least... not fully.

"I believe that I have fallen in love with you."

There was silence that came after he spoke, and the only thing that kept him from panicking and withdrawing was that the feeling of Heavy Iron's thumb continued its movement even after the confession had made its way out of him. With the words out, Wild Guardy began to realize just how quickly - though it was realistically over several months - that these feelings had been developing, and needed the right time to finally reveal themselves.

His vents hitched for a moment as he noticed Heavy Iron's optics seemed to soften further than what they had been before, and he leaned down to have his face closer to the knight's own, "Hmm.. as entertaining as it would be to tease you and say that I'm unsure of my own feelings, I don't think you're in the best state to handle such teasing." He paused, a slight grin shifting his optics shapes as he watched Wild Guardy, "So, I think I'll admit that I believe I very well have fallen in love with you as well, Wild Guardy."

He didn't have time to fully register just what the outlaw had said when a kiss was being pressed against his faceplate - a soft zap, similar to that he had given to him on his helm hours prior to this moment. His optics widened and he stiffened in shock. There was a fleeting moment of panic similar to that from earlier that pushed for him to run again, however he forced that feeling to the side, letting his optics close as he returned the kiss this time while his servos came up to cradle the larger bot's jaw. It felt more surreal the longer it went on, feeling Heavy Iron's grasp around him bring him closer as the kiss continued; a steady zap held between the two of them.