#while smiling

I have this dream I wrote on my journal about the house I'll move to, the conpanions that I'll own, friends to go clubbing and partying.

I even made a collage of foods I'll like to try at least once in my life.

And I want to do it, but for the longest time, I've been feeling that I'm losing myself. I'm a fantastic liar, and is living a triple life. I don't know what's wrong because I've never been diagnosed with anything, never faced a therapist my whole life.

Because I'm an amazing liar, I even managed to fool myself in believing my own lies. I don't know what my identity is, or what I am as a person.

Most days I just go numb all of a sudden, like there is nothing inside of me. Feeling physical pain has been going down as years pass by. Sometimes I'll just start laughing by myself, cry by myself, even talking to myself.

I can't say this to the adults in the family, because they are toxic. My siblings and I don't have a healthy relationship with our parents, I'll rather kill myself than spend time with them, and because of the pandemic going on, I'm forced to see their disgusting faces.

Seven months ago, we've been tested positive, and they are all blaming our cat who never went outside. My maternal grandmother and father abuse our cat so much that she avoids them, she literally isn't comfortable being caressed by our father, and avoids physically touching my grandmother.

Grandmother lied about being stepped on by her(she literally kicked her and she went flying), putting the blame on our poor cat and victimising herself. Kinda happy she got her elbow joint surgically removed.

Father got what he deserved, having two of his five fingers stitched back together. I was definitely happy and just quietly laughed inside the bathroom.

Mother is just less toxic than those two. Has redeemable qualities, but only a few.

Didn't say he was invited. Just said he was there. Because he 100% would be, just to ruin it for Nick.

IT’S TRUE. 

Because in all seriousness, in what world would I willingly invite Seishirou to anything ever?