#while parking

Step One: Check for witnesses. Has anyone seen or heard the accident? Are you on camera? Is the owner of the car inside the car? These are important things to observe before continuing forward.

Step Two: Assess the damage. Did you hit them slow enough to not leave a mark? If so you’re in luck. So long as no witnesses nor cameras saw the incident, and the damage is unnoticeable, chances are you can leave your car parked near them and they won’t even notice. Alternatively, if you hit them hard enough to do actual damage, be prepared to own up to your actions.

Step Three: Be accountable (when necessary). If witnesses saw the collision but no damage was done, pretend that you’re writing your information down, but actually leave a note that says “I’m pregnant, call me” along with the number of a local church or religious organization. If damage was done and it was seen, be prepared to actually file an insurance claim. Being charged with a hit and run will probably be worse.

Step Four: Try not to hit any more cars. Remember that playing bumper cars with regular sized vehicles is never a good idea, even if you really, really want to ram the slow driver in front of you. A cigarette may help in this instance. If one doesn’t cure your road rage, try smoking an entire pack while behind the wheel. If cancer isn’t your thing, try lighting up a blunt or drinking a beer. Cops will appreciate your dedication to not getting angry or nervous behind the wheel. If you need something stronger, heroin has been proven to relax people, especially if you reach the point of a gentle nod.

Step Five: Consider getting a tattoo that says “bad driver” as a reminder of the incident. Put it somewhere noticeable like your hand or forearm so that you see it when you’re parking. It may motivate you to become better at parking.

Obligatory Disclaimer: