#whichisgood

To be honest, I’m so exhausted. Tired of doing the same thing every single week. School. Work. Ministry. Sleep. Repeat. I’m just going through the motions.

I’m never looking forward to anything anymore. I realize that I’m never excited about anything anymore. I don’t even know what the heck I’m doing with my life, myself, anymore. I just don’t know anymore.

Do I write because I really am passionate about it, or because people always praise me & my writings? Do I serve as a Christian leader on campus because that’s where my heart is, or is it just because I’m used to serving? Why do I even do the things I’m doing? There’s no excitement, no fire, no spark. I’m all burnt out.

I don't smile as much as I used to. I don't laugh as much as I once did. People always tell me that I have a beautiful smile, but do they know that inside I'm disgusted at the person I've become? I was always vocal about inner beauty, but now, it feels as if my inner parts have been ripped apart and destroyed, consumed by a poison that continues to be fueled by self-hate. Who am I?

Now I’m stuck wondering how I can ever get back to the person I used to be. How is it possible when every time I try to pray a genuine prayer, it just seems forced? Every time I try to make myself vulnerable, repenting, asking God to reveal Himself, I still find myself with a guarded heart.

I can’t explain this. I’m trying. I’m giving everything 110%, but how can I keep giving when I’m so drained? I am physically, mentally, spiritually, & emotionally drained. I need rediscovery. Revival. Renewal. Rethinking. Re- everything. Just, where do I go from here God? Where?

I’m tired.

Tired.