#whenithink

#whenithink #mypastrelationships #didntworkout #youknow #justperfect #everybodyelse #aroundme #gotissues #tuesdayvibes https://www.instagram.com/p/BrhMDiRF91B/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1iik36gnkq0jh

lol 😂😂😂😂 #timeisflying #whenithink

2013 was quite possibly one of the most emotionally trying years of my life. It started off in a weird place, I rememer shoveling snow in front of my college home. I remember getting into a fight on New Year's Eve and remember that everyone around me was also fighting with their significant others, so it made me feel a little less lonely. I remember growing further apart from two of my best friends. I remember being upset. I remember entering my last semester of college with absolutely no plan for next year and the rest of my life. I remember sitting in my final classes, realizing I didn't retain as much information as I should have and I remember feeling incredibly uneasy. I remember playing rugby and I remember feeling my body ache in places I didn't know existed. I remember the feeling of failure as we didn't win any games, I remember the self defeat I imposed on myself, and I remember enduring practices, asking myself why I did this anymore, feeling like I was one of the only people who cared. I remember making stupid mistakes and feeling the embarrassment of them for days to come. I remember planning the rest of my life with someone, with a hint of angst always attached. I remember the intense emotions attached to feeling someone slip through your fingers and the bizzare calm when they finally left. Graduation came and I remember feeling the fits of nostalgia hit like waves in the middle of the night, waking up in the dark, realizing I was still in my room, counting down the days until I had to be out. I learned to love my time. I remember the rain come down the day I walked up to the stage to get my diploma. I remember the mist and the goosebumps when old friend's names were called and I knew I wouldn't see them after the ceremony. I remember summer coming and shaking me to my core, I remember the nervous feelings of moving out and coming back to my childhood home. i remember rocking myself to sleep compulsively checking my phone, I remember feelings of abandonment. I felt completely lost and I didn't know what I was going to do to remedy my situation. I remember specific days in the summer, finding more and more out, I remember feeling like a total fool. I never want to feel like that again. I remember a lot of terribly shitty things in 2013. I remember feelings of utter betrayal and dismissal. I remember a lot of bad things, but I can't forget all the great things I experienced in 2013, I can't forget all the great times I had with old friends and new friends. I remember the freedom of living off campus, of cooking for myself, of burning all my food, of making my housemates taste everything I made to make sure it was ok. I remember spending hours in the grocery store, always getting things I didn't need and constantly forgetting the things I did. Eggs, milk, chicken. I remember listening to the same songs on repeat because they made me feel good. I remember driving around in my best friends car talking about anything and everything. I remember the quiet moments in my room where I felt more fortunate than anyone else because I was able to be where I was. I remember the comical car rides to class. I remember eating with friends, and sitting for hours. I remember New Year's Eve being surrounded by good people I loved. I remember shoveling snow with my housemates, everyone banning together to try to get one persons car out of a parking spot in our driveway that was more of a ditch. I remember the few bonfires we had, one in particular where people got so drunk I wasn't sure they'd make it up the huge hill back to my house, they did (but shortly after one of my best friends would fall off the bar and break her leg, ouch sorry dude). I remember the excitement that accompanied almost every rugby practice. I remember running up and down the pitch, feeling sore and incapable, but looking to my left and seeing my teammate there filled me with this awesome sense of comradery that I'll never be able to shake. I remember the satisfaction that stuck with a good tackle and the pride I harnessed. I remember loud nights in the library trying to study, failing miserably. I remember coffee in the mornings, never running out of Half and Half. I remember the consoling powers of just being able to talk to a good friend for hours, repeating myself, feeling dumb, and having them be completely open to whatever you were going to say. I remember laughing, so much laughing. I remember inside jokes I still refer to today. I learned how to appreciate people. I learned how to depend on others, and that it's not always necessary to depend on yourself alone. I learned that it's ok to feel weak and defeated. I learned how important it is to let things go when they're done. I learned how calming it is to lay on the grass and watch the clouds. I learned what it feels like to fall deeply and quickly in love and have those feelings fizzle into nothing over time. I learned that it's important to let go of things and it's equally important to move on and to be ok with moving on. I relearned how fun it can be to have crushes on people and flirt and be ok with everything and anything that happened afterwards. I learned how important it is to have a sense of humor, whether it's a good one or a bad one, it's important to be able to laugh at awful situations. I relearned the healing power of writing, of getting your thoughts out, of repeating the feelings to yourself, of opening the bottle you tried to keep them in and throwing them into the wind. I learned how important it is to love music. I learned valuable life lessons about love and friendship, things I hope to never forget. It's easy for me to look at 2013 and think that it was one of the worst years of my life, but when I really sit down and consider it, it wasn't so bad. Here's to 2014.