#whatwillieverdo

I could see me spending the rest of my life with him, only.. I don’t want to limit his life. I don’t want to travel. I don’t want to see the world. I don’t want to retire somewhere warm on a boat. Those are his dreams. Not mine.

  I feel like he gives everything up for me. He just changes his plans to make me happy. Even the smallest things like where he wants to eat, what he wants to do for the night. I just feel like he never does what he wants. Its like he always has to please me.

  I want to be on a farm with a small house and a big front yard. Somewhere with a long drive way and a huge garden. Somewhere I can have three or four big dogs, a couple cats, a coup full of chickens and some goats. Where my biggest worry of the day is weather or not to give bathes to the muddy feet I know are just going to go back out and roll in it all over again. A place that I can be by myself and not have the hustle and bustle of the city around me. Where I can just write my novels and screen plays and cook. Where I can grow most of my own food so I don’t have to work. Somewhere I can sleep all damn day if I wanted to, with a book on my lap and a cat at my feet.

  But I don’t want him to give of his big shot LA movie director dream for a girl who doesn’t want to do anything with her life. And the sad part is, I know he would in a heartbeat. Without batting an eye, because he is just that amazing.

  He’s older than me but he is still so young. He hasn’t been anywhere in his life. One town, one family, one life. No real world experience. No way of actually knowing that I am the one he wants to marry. How could I possibly ask him to share the rest of his life with me? He couldn’t honestly know this is what he wants. I am sure there is some girl out there that wants to share his dreams, travel the world, see the sights, but its not me.

  I couldn’t see my life without him, but I don’t see me fitting anywhere into his. I feel like I pressured him into the whole promise ring thing and that’s not the way its supposed to be. He’s supposed to want to give me it, surprise me with it. And he really is the sort of guy who would do that for a girl and I really hope he finds her some day.

  When I think back on my life over the past two years, I see a boy who has given everything he has and then more to a girl who only used him to get the things she wanted. Dinner out every night, snacks whenever she asked, rides and drives to wherever she wanted, whenever she wanted. Someone who time and time again proved himself, just to be shut down and told his best wasn’t good enough and he need to get her more.  The girl who gets angry when he wants time for himself, the girl who makes him feel guilty for not getting her what she wanted even though he had no more to give. How can I be the girl I despise the most?

  He gave me his heart and loved me with every bit of it and I still wasn’t satisfied, while I gave him the edge corner of my heart and stayed wishing that some other guy I was in love with would suddenly realize I existed and swoop me off my feet.

  How is that fair to this clueless boy who tries time and time again to make me happy? How can I tell him I love him with all my heart when the opposite is true? How can I love him when I am in love with someone else?

  He loves me so completely and yet he can’t see the smile I fake and the lovemaking I force myself to enjoy.  He just loves me, simply, with no other reason or motive. And I can’t even give him the decency he deserves by being honest with him. How long am I going to string him along? I am my own worst nightmare. The thing I promised I would never be. And how will he even begin to understand?