#whatiftoday

Holiday/Vacation is here. But I can’t help feeling restless, just like always. Mostly because I’m still stressed about work. In the last post, I moaned about the Thursday thing. This is ironic because this Thursday was actually pretty the worst in a long time, if not the worst ever. We had some crazy emergencies going on and the mistake I made on Monday also became worse when the patient actually died. The owner wants to know what the cause was so pretty much everyone is worried about what’s going to be the result of that.  I cried my whole ride home not only because of that, because of the fact that no of my co-workers actually considered my feelings about all of this. This shows the kind of self-centered douchebag I am because they probably felt shit as well. I even asked someone if this could have serious consequences for me, but since it wasn’t only my fault apparently we will take the blame as an organization. 

Nevertheless, I knew I was fucked anyway; since this is totally going to be on my mind the whole holiday. So I decided to re-read (more like relisten) to Mark Manson's ‘how to not give a f’ck’  book. This book tells me exactly what I’m doing wrong. Obviously, I stress a hell of a lot about this job, because I care about it. Having no child or baby wish, being already married, having an own house and doing all pretty well; The job is the only thing to actually worry about. 

Honestly two years ago I didn’t even think I would be good enough for this job. While now I'm constantly questioning if this job is good for me. I already had one mini-burnout, but everyone blames the fact that I quit my meds for that. I wonder sometimes if that was really the reason, but since I started taking them it went sort of good again, so it probably was. I also finally got to shape this job in the way I want it to be; doing less stressful tasks that made me sick and anxiousness and doing more of the task I feel comfortable doing. Doing less of the boring tasks and more interesting complex tasks that challenge me.  I got exactly the thing I wanted, well in how far that is possible at this company. But I still feel bored. 

I miss learning new things. I miss doing tests (probably because my high grades make me feel good about myself). I even miss computer work, even though I swore I never wanted a desk job after I quit law school. I’m worried because I’m afraid I made the wrong choice. I know I didn’t because I really love my job and can’t imagine doing anything else. I just want to do more. And I’m not sure if I want to do more of what I’m actually doing. I think I need to do something else that challenges me again. Challenges me to learn new things; other things.

This mostly got triggered because my wife is going back to school again. And her company is paying for the study.  I can’t stand the fact of how jealous I am of this and I have to be confronted with it every day. But in my job there is no next study you can do; not really. I have been thinking about asking my manager if he has any ideas for what I could do; something that could benefit the company as well maybe. I’ve hinted before I’m quite studious, but I get mostly made fun of because I kept going to a lot of work training. I even went to one abroad; using my holiday days and paying for it myself. 

This blog isn't going to be about my work. Even though some changes happened again. This blog is going to be about children. Yes, you read that right, kids. I mentioned before in #3 that we didn’t have a child or baby wish. Which is true. We decided some time ago that we would never have kids. Since we are a lesbian couple; you have to talk about this because it isn’t really going to an accident either.  But then something changed.

And I still can’t say what it was or why, but somehow I kind of let my mind open to the fact that maybe I want to have kids. Which is absolutely crazy because I always have resented children. But I don’t know what changed;  is it because I work with people who have kids and talk about them, is it because we became babysitters to some of our friends' kids, is it because my sister in law is pregnant? it could all be valid reasons to have opened my mind. I say it like this because I have opened my mind to the idea that we could have kids. That I could be a mother. An idea that I never let into my mind before because I thought it was crazy. Me a mother; how could I raise kids if I rather am one myself. 

But latelty I have seen so many ways to be a parent; there isn’t a right or wrong way. And maybe I was just afraid I couldn’t be a good mother. But there isn’t any good or wrong in parenting. And if I think about what my dog has taught me; I would love my kids like hell and would do anything for them; starting from that point would that make me at least not a good mom? I think so. I think I would make a great mom, or at least not a bad one. 

I was always the one who said no to kids, not my wife. So I had to tell her somehow that my mind was changing. I did this at our vacation in Portugal. We had dinner in Lissabon and somehow the subject came on. She was a bit surprised but said that she wasn’t the one that didn’t want to have kids; in other words, she liked the idea of having kids. So just like that, we decided that we could try to have some kids. 

Now, because we are two women, we have to think about options to have kids. She doesn’t want to get pregnant and I don’t like the idea of adoption. I also sort of want to get pregnant; the idea of ‘making’ a human absolutely amazes me. The fact that it is possible that I can create a new life. I also think I can relate more to the child if it’s actually mine. That still leaves us with the problem; how to get sperm.  That still isn’t decided yet, but we are going to a clinic to get some info in December. 

So that just happened, luckily we have some time to get used to the idea. For me at least. The crazy part is, the more I think about it, the more I want it. We are going to start a family. I’m going to be a mom, and even better; my mom is going to be a grandmom. She is going to be insane. I seriously get excited even thinking about the day telling her I’m pregnant. Since I’m an only child I’m the only chance she has for being a grandmom. But that day isn’t going to come anytime soon.