deep waters (j. sinclair)
pairing °❀⋆.ೃ࿔* : johnny sinclair x reader
word count °❀⋆.ೃ࿔* : 4.4k words
author's note °❀⋆.ೃ࿔* : the absolute chokehold joseph zada has on me right now is INSANE you guys like i needed to write this purely for my own delusions goodbye !!!! also lowkey rushed the ending cus i felt like this was getting too long pls #sorry butttt enjoy hehe im still a little rusty so i apologize for any inconsistencies or grammar mistakes </3 *not edited as of 7/3/25
summers on beechwood were always magical—are always magical. they've been that way ever since i stepped foot on this island back in summer 8. when i thought i had nothing left to live for anymore, he gave me a reason.
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summer 8
kicking off my sandals, i dug my feet into the sand, probably the softest sand i'd ever felt. the water was calm, a shade of blue so mesmerizing it felt almost illegal just to imagine myself getting lost in it. i closed my eyes and threw away all the thoughts that had been bottled up in that little head of mine since that day. my silence was concerning, according to mom. she didn't know, but i had heard her talking to uncle ed before we packed to leave for beechwood. i hadn't uttered a single word since dad passed; not when we got the news, not when my mother broke down crying, not during the funeral, and certainly not now—on this island.
like an otherworldly force, i felt myself inching closer to the water. with every crash of wave against my body, i moved a step forward, letting the water soak the bottom of the yellow, floral patterned sundress mom had picked out for me before we left.
eyes still closed, i kept my feet moving. the water had reached my fingertips now, but i didn't think to stop and leave then.
the water at my waist, swallowing half my body now. there was nothing that could stop me from letting go at this moment. from letting myself feel everything i hadn't allowed myself to feel before. i was becoming one with the water as it splashed against my chest. just two more steps and i would've been underwater. just two more steps and maybe, just maybe, i could forget.
the waves hit me once more, and just as i was about to take another step, i heard thrashing water from behind me. i opened my eyes and made an attempt to look behind me, only for the water to sweep me off my feet and drag me away along with it.
fully submerged under the water and eyes closed once again, i let myself fall back into rhythm with the waves. i wasn't even cold anymore. all i could feel was warmth and in the darkness of it all, i saw my dad's face as clear as day. i felt his arms around me and i let myself hold on tight, like i would never let go ever again. not like i did that day.
and then i was above the water, coughing and sputtering out the water that made its way into my lungs. my eyes were burning and everything was a blur. i was breathing again but i couldn't actually breathe. i just wanted to see my dad; i wanted to keep him close to me and i didn't want to let go.
i tried to make my way back into the water, but i was being held by a pair of strong, skinny arms. blinking rapidly, i attempted to wash out the salted water from my eyes and restore my vision. still seeing everything in a blur, the back of a blonde curly-head was the only thing i could make out clearly. the boy was dragging me out of the water along with him and as we made it closer to shore, i realized he was fully clothed, belt and shoes included. this boy was not supposed to be out in the water. in fact, he probably wasn't planning on it at all. not until he saw me practically drowning myself.
"oh my god, y/n!" i heard a woman's voice shout from further away. i didn't know who it belonged to, but i assumed it was carrie's, uncle ed's girlfriend, whose voice i heard screaming my name right after. before i could make sense of anything else, i slipped into the familiar darkness yet again.
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summer 16
"i don't want to go back this year, mom," i sighed and rolled my eyes as i spoke back to my mom, who was rummaging through my closet like a madman. i sat at the edge of my bed, glaring down at the empty luggage bag sprawled on the floor of my bedroom.
"well, you don't really have a choice now, do you?" she called back out, holding up a pink babydoll shirt with both her hands. "plus, your brother is going, too."
"yeah," i replied, "...that's cus he just wants to see cadence," muttering that last part under my breath.
"hm?" my mom said, holding my gaze now. i shook my head and got up from my bed, leaving her to continue whatever mission she was on to have me packed and ready to go in the morning.
i walked across the hall to my brother's room. door already cracked open, i told myself not to act surprised when i saw his bag fully packed next to the outfit he had neatly folded up and ready for tomorrow. i snorted at the sight, making him aware of my presence.
"leave, y/n," gat said, all annoyed and pissy. he was busy at his desk, writing into a journal or something.
"excited to see a special someone tomorrow?" i threw at him as i leaned against the doorframe, knowing it'd get a reaction out of him. and boy, was i right. he snapped his head back up from whatever he was working on to face me, a light blush grazing his cheeks. he didn't even have to answer my question because we both knew exactly how he felt.
"well what about you?" he cleared his throat, standing up a little taller in his chair, "are you excited?"
"me?" i tilted my head slightly in confusion.
"oh, don't act like you haven't been thinking about seeing him again all year," my brother replied, a smirk tugging at his lips as he crossed his arms against his chest, leaning back into his chair.
i quickly straightened myself up, feeling my body getting tenser from the mention of him. i'd be lying to myself if i said i wasn't thinking of him, because truth be told, i did. i really did. but i'd rather burn to death than admit that out loud, especially to my brother of all people.
i shook my head while rolling my eyes, not letting him feed on the pleasure of my apparent annoyance with the topic he had brought up as i turned to leave his room. i continued to walk back in the direction i came from, trying to ignore the wavering thoughts of a blonde curly-headed boy—and the rapid beating of my treacherous heart.
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the boat tipped slightly as uncle ed made his way out onto the dock. gat quickly followed out after him, leaving me contemplating alone in the boat. i knew i had to get up, but i couldn't risk seeing him again. i couldn't bare to see his face, knowing it would put my heart on the line—again.
we weren't even on talking terms anymore, not since that last week of summer 15.
"y/n? come on, we gotta go," gat called out, bringing me back to my senses and the reality i had to eventually face. i grabbed my luggage bag from the handles, holding on tight and praying to god or whatever other higher up to hold onto my heart like i was holding onto the bag my mom had packed for me.
i made my way up the grassy hill, taking in the familiar scent of salt air and ocean breeze. as much as i had convinced myself that i didn't want to be here this summer, that was simply a lie. i absolutely adored beechwood. it was straight out of a fairytale, a faraway land riddled with secrets and untold truths.
i looked up to see cady running towards gat with her arms wide open. fork found in kitchen. those two obviously had something going on, although i couldn't quite pinpoint exactly when it started because it's just been that way since forever. mirren followed close behind cady, throwing her arms around the both of them and into a group hug.
my heart skipped a beat when i let my gaze wander behind the rest of the group. there he was, standing there with a careless slouch and both hands in the pockets of his khaki shorts, staring straight back at me. johnny sinclair.
he looked away as soon as he realized we were making direct eye contact. dragging one hand out of his pocket and to the back of his neck, he awkwardly made his way towards the others. sure, we weren't on talking terms, but he was fine with gat. i don't think those two ever really went a day without talking to each other, even when they had arguments.
cady and mirren acknowledged my presence as our bodies clashed together in a warm, and very much needed, hug. i let myself melt in their embrace. gat was my brother, but these girls were like the sisters i've never had.
"tag, you're it!" cady let go of me and tapped gat's shoulder. we all started running, and in that moment, i forgot about all of my worries, all of my second-thoughts, and all about johnny. i ran like my life depended on it.
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it wasn't easy being around johnny in such close distance like nothing happened last summer. the others could sense the tension wafting the air, too, and tried to keep the conversations lighthearted. mirren went on about this older guy she'd been sexting recently while cady and gat unknowingly kept sending each other heart-eyes. i swear they were sickeningly oblivious about their feelings, but it wasn't my place to say anything about whatever was going on between the two of them.
i kept stealing glances at johnny, making sure not to look toward his direction too long each time i did. he was unusually quiet, and johnny sinclair was never quiet. he was known to be the life of the party with that contagious erratic energy of his. it was almost concerning, this silence of his, but i wasn't going to be the one to question it.
and like he had just read my mind, he got up from the beach towel and dusted off his shorts, his damp hair still dripping water from the ends. god he was beautiful, and that annoyed me. the light hit his skin in a way that made him glisten, like a calm lake reflecting the morning sun. his arms and legs were toned from all the tennis he played, and he was tall, so tall.
"take a picture, it'd last longer," johnny said, bringing up a towel to his hair to dry off, clearly directing his snarky comment at me.
damn it, i looked too long.
i rolled my eyes in response and laid back down on my towel, covering my face with the shirt i had taken off earlier to continue my sunbathing. usually i'd just have a pair of sunglasses to shield myself from the sun, but i needed something to cover the blush teasing my cheeks.
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johnny had given in earlier and actually said a word to me, but i was determined to keep my walls up. i didn't have anything to say to him anyway, so why should i even bother?
i had my own room at red gate, and thank god for that because sharing with gat would've been a nightmare. my room here was bigger than the one back home, not that i needed all the extra space. the queen-sized bed in the middle of the room had quite a fitting name, with sheer white curtains tangled with faux vines wrapped around the canopy of the bed. i had draped my walls with more of the vines along with various pictures of the liars and and my friends from back home.
i walked over to my desk in one corner of the room, gaze landing on a picture frame backside up in the middle of it. i flipped the frame to see a picture of johnny and i from a couple of years ago, in summer 12, his arm around my shoulders and the biggest, cheesiest smiles on both of our faces. he had always been taller than me, not that i ever had a chance at beating him in that department. and he had seriously grown into all of his features, while i still looked like i was stuck in this weird limbo between summer 12 and 14.
"we're heading over to windemere for a movie night if you wanna join," gat popped his head into my room, the sudden disturbance causing me to flinch and hurry to hide the picture behind my back.
"i think i'm done for the day," i said, a little too quickly, "i need to shower anyway, but you guys have fun."
"suit yourself," he said with the raise of his brow and a half shrug, then left without another word.
i let out a breath i didn't even know i was holding, quickly putting the frame down like how it had been earlier. grabbing a change of clothes and a towel, i walked myself out of my room and to the shower.
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it had taken me a good twenty minutes trying to get the warm water to work until i got impatient and settled for a cold shower. teeth still chattering as i wrapped a towel around my head, i reached over to the doorknob and pulled, only to be greeted by who i had convinced myself to be the last person i wanted to see.
johnny staggered on his feet, the weight he had put onto the door before i had opened it pulling him down backwards.
"j-johnny, w-what the-," i sputtered as he quite literally fell on his ass.
"jesus, you took so long in there i was almost certain you slipped and hit your head—are you shivering?" he stood back up, concern wrinkling his forehead as he looked down at me.
"i'm f-fine," i managed to reply, only for the stutter in my words to give away that i wasn't.
"you don't look fine," he said sternly. i didn't even bother to respond this time, wanting to just get out of there and back into my room. but before i could step out, johnny stepped in front of me to block the exit.
"johnny," i said, eyes shut and fists balled up at my sides, refusing to look at him any longer. i let out a deep breath, "m-move."
"or what?" i opened my eyes back up to look at him, gaze livid and glossed over with fury. but the fire in my eyes sizzled out just a bit as i made contact with his ocean-blue ones.
"i said move."
i was done playing these games with him.
"make. me."
oh hell no.
completely done with his bullshit, i didn't hesitate to use force and push him out of my way. it was a pathetic attempt, considering he was a whole foot taller than me and probably double my weight. he didn't budge, but that didn't stop me from continuously slamming my hands against his chest.
"why don't you just get it?!" i yelled out, "i don't-," my hands in fists once again, hitting him repeatedly, "want-," the towel wrapped around my head falling to floor in one last defeat, "to see you."
before my fists could make contact with his body again, johnny wrapped his hands around my wrists, stopping me from landing another blow. my hands unraveled in defeat, letting the tears i had been holding back since last year, to fall.
johnny pulled me in closer, still holding onto my wrists, snug against his chest. i stopped fighting back, letting myself let loose, just this once. he reeked of men's cologne and bad decisions.
"i hate you," i muttered against his shirt, sniffling.
"i know," johnny said, breathlessly and tightening his hold on me, "i know."
we stayed that way, clinging onto each other's bodies in silence for the next few minutes. our actions very telling of a million unspoken words. ten minutes had passed before johnny loosened his grasp on me, letting my arms fall back to my sides. with nothing else to say, he moved out of my way and let me go, doing something i should've done with him a long time ago.
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i was back in my room, trying to make sense of whatever had just happened. looking up to the ceiling with my back laying down on the bed, i replayed the scene over and over. god, i should've gone to movie night. why was he even here and not with the others?
a rhythmic knock sounded at my door.
"no, uncle ed, i do not want to discuss the political and economic state of the world with you," i replied in response, half-sarcastic yet jokingly.
"well that would make for quite an evening," a voice that wasn't uncle ed's responded, making it's way into my room.
"you know you really should work on your british accent," i threw back at johnny as i sat up straighter on my mattress. "it's god-awful," i said in an accent of my own this time.
"you're one to talk," he drawled out as he headed over to the chair by my desk. he made himself right at home.
"why aren't you with the others over at windemere?" i asked, letting my curiosity get the best of me.
"didn't like the movie they picked out," he replied, spinning around in my chair.
"which is?"
"1984."
"that story has a great message behind it," i said with a scoff.
"i'm sure."
"and you could learn a lot from it," i continued.
"mhmm."
"i don't even know why i bother," i muttered under my breath, rolling my eyes and letting myself fall back on the bed. i had tried making conversation with him, but that only made me want to rip my hair out.
"what's this?" johnny asked. i sat back up to look at whatever he was talking about. but before i could give him an answer, it seemed like he had already gotten one himself.
he stared down at the picture frame in his hands, gripping onto it like it was some sort of treasure threatened to be taken away from him. he had gotten so quiet all of a sudden that you could hear a pin drop in the room.
"you're missing a tooth in this pic," johnny broke the silence, holding up the picture with his finger pointing right at my face so i, too, could see my toothless smile.
visibly annoyed by his unpredictable reaction, i grabbed a pillow from behind me and threw it, aiming for his perfectly curled head. he let the picture fall to his lap before catching the pillow in one hand.
"oh, you're so on."
johnny set the picture back on the desk and got up from my chair, making his way towards me with the pillow, ready to fight back. i quickly turned behind me to grab another pillow in defense, but he was quicker than i was. i looked back in front of me only to be met with a soft blow to my face.
"i'm going to destroy you," i muffled, pillow still all up in my face.
"i'd like to see you try," johnny replied, cackling.
i took that as an invitation to not hold back. propping up on my knees to balance myself, i grabbed my pillow by the corners and swung—hard. johnny was so caught off guard by the strength i had actually put into my hit that he stumbled backwards from the edge of my bed and fell to the ground, going quiet.
"johnny?" i inched closer to the edge of my bed, genuine concern lacing my voice. one foot reaching over the side of my bed, my heart dropped as i saw an unconscious johnny sprawled on my bedroom floor. his body was limp, leaving a loosened hold on the pillow.
"oh my god, johnny," i quickened on my feet and hurried down to the floor next to him. "johnny, johnny! wake up!" i yelled out as i shook his shoulders. god, just how hard did i hit him?!
body half-hovering over his, i continued to shake him back to consciousness, cursing myself out loud for what i had done.
"please..." i begged, holding both sides of his face in the palm of my hands, praying for a miracle to occur as i shut my eyes.
"relaaax, you didn't kill me," johnny said hoarsely.
i opened my eyes, making contact with his half-lidded, ocean blue ones. for the first time in a long time, i was genuinely happy to hear his voice. i hadn't noticed i was crying until johnny winced as a teardrop fell from my face and onto his. my breath hitched as i swallowed the dreaded lump in my throat. we were close, too close.
i jerked myself backwards in an attempt to create some space between us, but johnny countered the action with his own, bringing me back down and closer to him than ever. i froze, knowing that if i moved even an inch then i'd practically be kissing him. but those thoughts soon escaped my head as i lost myself in his eyes. simply calling them beautiful would've been an insult, because they were so much more. they were a shade of blue i had never seen on anyone else, a blue so mesmerizing i wouldn't even mind if i drowned in them.
johnny brought up a steady hand to my face, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
"you're beautiful," he whispered, staring back at me with a million unspoken and hidden desires. but i wasn't going to let myself fall for his sugar-coated words, not again. i pulled away from his grasp and got back up on my feet, facing my back to him and looking for an out.
"why do you keep pushing me away?" johnny asked, sounding almost hurt as he got up from the ground after me.
"me pushing you away?" i shot back as i turned around to face him again, baffled at the audacity he had to even question this.
"yes, you."
"sorry, asshole, but did you need me to remind you of summer 15? because i sure haven't forgotten," i scoffed in disbelief, letting my pent up emotions get the best of me. johnny got quiet. he knew i was right and there was nothing he could say that could prove otherwise.
"i told you that was an accident, i explained," johnny said then, trying to defend himself.
"accident? you told me you loved me, johnny, loved. and then i saw you kissing someone else the same night."
"she came onto me first, you know that. danielle's had a thing for me ever since the sixth grade, for fuck's sake."
"whatever, i don't even know why i try," i said, making my way out of the door this time.
"no, not whatever, y/n. you say you're fine, but you're really not. you wanna forget this? us? me? then go ahead. vow to never speak to me, to never look at me again. break my heart like it's yours to break. i told you i loved you and nothing has changed for me since then," johnny rambled on, following me out of the room, "god, i knew i was in love with you the moment i dragged you out of those waters. you were so little and already so done with life that i promised myself from that day on that i'd be there for you. i sat with you for weeks on end after that day, trying to get you to say something, anything. you were so vulnerable and i wanted to protect you, but the only thing i couldn't protect you from was myself. god, i'm sorry for hurting you, i just—"
i pressed my lips onto his, standing on the tip of my feet to grab onto his face and pull it to mine. not wasting a second, johnny held onto my waist with one hand while snaking the other to the back of my neck, tangling his fingers in my hair, lips hungrily on mine. he led me slowly back into my room, making sure not to break the kiss. i let myself fall back onto my bed, fisting my hands in johnny's shirt and pulling him closer, desperate to feel him all over me. johnny's hand was still in my hair, but the other had found it's away at the hem of my shirt, burning my skin with every faint touch. he released my lips and left a trail of kisses along my jaw, then slowly down my neck.
"don't stop," i managed to let out, feeling breathless from all the tension rising in my body.
"is this okay?" he asked, mid-kiss.
"more than okay."
johnny continued to pull my shirt over my head, leaving me feeling more exposed than ever. but a big part of me wanted to be vulnerable, to trust him—to just be with him.
i reached for the bottom of his shirt to do the same. i had seen johnny sinclair shirtless more times than i could recall off the top of my head, but this was different. i let my fingers flutter on his skin, which johnny audibly enjoyed more than i'd thought.
feeling the weight of his body over mine, i combed my fingers through those rebellious, blonde curls, using them to pull him closer to me.
"hi," he whispered, our faces barely just touching.
"hi," i whispered back.
our lips met again, slowly, then with a slip of tongue. i let out a small moan and felt johnny smile against my lips before continuing the kiss. that aching feeling continued to spread as johnny ran his hands over every inch of my skin, gentle enough not to hurt me.
"i love you," he paused, looking down at me with those compelling blue eyes, thumb grazing my cheek.
"i love you, too," i said with a shy smile, knowing that i'd meant it with all my heart. i loved johnny sinclair. love.
and i'd be loving him for a long time.
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