#wekp

 - he acknowledges that he & my mum are just as clueless as me abt uni since they never went (aka. @ my mum pls chill) 

- he's not disappointed that i haven't been more active abt researching/choosing unis

- he knows that my mother often takes things too far and is cruel in her criticisms

- he is far more honest when drunk 

- he is proud of me (but doesn't think this puts any pressure on me) 

- however, realises my GCSEs were v tough bc everyone expected me to get 10 A*s and anything else = Failure

 - and that IB is v hard 

- he feels guilty for not being around to support me in IB 

- feels guilty about a lot of things?? 

- so telling him I'm depressed would be a shitty move (@ myself don't be a dick, save ur own ass) 

 - still not above explicitly saying i should've chosen A Levels not IB geez thanks 

- he loves me

- he's also wildly off about my mental health 

- thinks he knows me - similar to mother's comment that "people think they're better at hiding things than they actually are" - very ironic considering i have anxiety and depression but they are unaware of both 

- despite seeing some of my sh scars 

- however no recent ones therefore i must've gotten over it right 

- wrong I'm better at hiding!!! 

 - says that "i know you go through rough patches where you think negatively but i think that's all seventeen yr olds" no dad it's fucking depression i want to die 

- thinks he knows that "you had a tough time two years ago or something but you're fine now!!!" i.e. seems not to understand idea of a 'relapse'…..didn't say anything 

- he wants me to be open and tell him if he says something hugely wrong (in his interpretation of me) 

- therefore i am a terrible awful liar and deserve to die - vast majority of situations can be explained by my depression

- or my anxiety 

- holding back tears was the most cathartic and bone-soothing moment of my entire day 

- will later ask me if i ever have "depressive times" and i will lie