#weirdo thoughts

Here’s a weird question: my dad is a great storyteller and knows a lot about Star Wars, would anyone find it cool/interesting to post videos of us discussing theories and things??

like literally i don't think i will ever meet anyone i will love romantically let alone anyone that would love me???? honestly i know this is like so irritating to read because yeah if i saw someone who posted this i would be like "lmao no!!! babe u will meet someone" and it's even stupider because im not even at a point in my life where i feel i have anything to offer anyone--not even my time-- and the only real reason im thinking of it is because everyone i know is dating and im gonna be 24 next week so it just seems wild to me that i STILL don't feel ready and yeah yeah yeah i have csa trauma and body issues and the depression bull shit but other people have this stuff too but they're going about their lives???? and im not ace and im not aro so like... the only explanation seems to be that I'm preemptively disengaging from things before I have the opportunity to be rejected??? like say I went out for a walk tomorrow and met someone and they liked me and wanted to be with me... i honestly would most probably reject them because i would think that my body was being fetishized. then let's say i knew without a doubt that whoever this person was WASNT fetishizing my body but was simply just (miraculously) attracted to me-- well I'm literally dropping weight so fast because of the surgery I'm about to look like a shar pei and like yes I HAVE COME TO TERMS WITH THAT and it's cool for me but I don't feel like I can expect someone to still want me???? and even then-- I plan on having skin removal surgery/a revision done on my neck to ass crack scar/breast augmentation/etc. one day I'm literally going to look like a patchwork doll. sewed and carved and stitched. i am scarred everywhere on my body. and again-- who wants that? like I don't want someone who looks passed those things about me. i want someone who genuinely, wholeheartedly finds every single thing about me attractive. i don't think I would ever settle for less but i am certain that i will never believe the person im with could/would ever feel like that??? so what's the point? reading this messy train of thought I'm like "wowwww I must have low self esteem" but I don't feel like that??? ughhhhhhhh this is so stupid 🙄

Posting X reader after passing out on the toilet is such a funny story. Anyway, guess who's going to the doctor!!!