#weight struggles

My wardrobe has less pants that I can wear now; despite the fact that most of them were a good fit a few months ago.

😐

I hate this cycle.

This has been my weight-loss journey for the last few months. Lose some weight one week, gain it and some more back the following week.

I try to not beat myself up about it and own my choices, but it's hard.

I exercise pretty regularly, but my diet has been so challenging. I eat the same things for breakfast and lunch, and then dinner becomes the challenge.

My husband is totally on board with me doing whatever I want/need to do with weight loss, but at the same time he makes it easy for me to go off track.

Lately I am hating how I feel in my body. I feel these extra pounds when I exercise, when I move.

I'm just feeling a little defeated today, but I know that I can get back on track.

It's a new day, and a new week.

She’s leaving soon and although I’m definitely going to miss her again, it really highlights how much more work I have to go in controlling myself. Not starving or having nothing, but re-evaluating every single item of food and understanding what that bite will do for me. or to me.. 

Also it doesn’t help that since I’m over the 40 lb mark, my brain is just saying that 180 isn’t bad and I could just maintain this without any bad effects. But I don’t want to maintain any overweight number, I want to be my goal even if it takes another year. Then compounded on that I’ve been stressed about everything, jobs, insurance, car troubles, what I’m going to do for Christmas since I’ll be broke af. And I don’t even get to see my man very often at the moment, which makes the times we do meet sweet but the times away make my heart ache. Idk. Nowhere to go but onward to a better life. 

Starting to take selfies again;

I was on a medication that had a side effect of weight gain which was perfect until I started hitting above my "average weight" class for my height.

I started to feel yucky about myself, stopped taking pictures of myself, stopped dressing up as much, and stopped wanting to go out.

I've recently stopped that medication and am trying to re-teach myself that weither I'm under, over or at the "perfect" weight for my height I am beautiful and deserve to feel great, and take pictures of myself, and dress up, and go out!

So sorry I'm not sorry for the possible floods of selfies you guys may see from me in the next days and weeks to come.

I'm learning to love myself still, it's a process but we are making it through.

Weigh-In-Wednesday

Original Starting Weight (7.10.17):  260

Restart Weight (4.2.18):  245.7

Last Week’s Weight (6.20.18):  222.8

Today’s Weight (6.27.18):  225.5

Total Weight Lost Gained in 1 Week:  2.7 pounds Total Weight Lost in 3 Months:  20.2 pounds Total Weight Lost in 11 Months:  34.5 pounds

Okay body, WTF.  You can stop gaining weight now.  I didn’t even cheat THAT badly to incur this type of gaining.  Gah.  So where I thought I pulled in the reins yesterday apparently I need to pull much harder today.  

Kevin told me he was going to join me on every single walk I had for the next two weeks so he could make sure he hits his dietbet goals.  I love my husband dearly but I’m sorry, no.  These walks are some of the only times I get to be alone and I’ve really enjoyed what they do for my mental health.  I protested, kindly, and after he said too bad, it’s just two weeks he thankfully changed his tune later that night and recognized how badly I need this time to myself.  

So, off I went on my solo walk to hit 5 miles and shake some of my brain out on the pavement.  My calf was finally feeling better, my pace was better than it had been in over a week and the weather was PERFECT out.  I got about half-way through my walk when I was stopped by this woman who asked me if it was safe to walk at night.  I explained to her that absolutely, I walk around here every night around this time and have always felt perfectly safe.  She says that she’s going to make sure she walks with someone just to be safe, and proceeds to walk with me... ... ... Um, no.  After being cordial I realize that I’m the person she decides to walk with and at first try to walk faster to hopefully show her that I have an agenda and have no interest in a tag-a-long.  After about 5 minutes of this I decide to suck it up and engage her in conversation.  She proceeds to tell me her life story, how she’s recently retired because she got fired, she’s 67 years old and was an ER nurse, she has 5 kids, she’s from NY, and does not pick up on social cues whatsoever.  

She walks in the middle of the pathway and if I were to also be on the pathway her pace slows as she’s talking towards me, so I tried to keep up my pace by walking on the grass or street.  I thought that when I went on some of my off-path loops to increase my mileage she would keep going straight home but nope, she came with me.  Finally, a good 40 minutes after I picked up this unwelcome hitch-hiker she finally split off to go back to her house.  I can only pray that I either don’t run into her again or have the courage to stand up for myself and inform her that these walks are for me and not listen to someone talk at me for an hour.  I get enough of that at work.