#weekwhatever

Read this or not, but I hope you do. I hope it helps.

I was not prepared for our encounter at all today, and that was obvious: when confronted with your pain, I simply reverted to justifying my actions as usual, and by correlation, disregarded your feelings as nonsensical in comparison.

I needed to hear you; I can’t get away with doing things like this. Accountability is something I rarely experience in my life, because I can craft solutions (or illusions) out of sensitive or intense situations with people out of the simple vapor of their very breath. But it was harder with you: you’re incredibly intelligent, observant, perceptive—you noticed something was wrong with me this past winter at the same second I did. That’s never happened before, in any sort of interpersonal relationship of mine.

Privileging other people’s emotions as much as my own reasoning, and working through problems in tandem with another person I trust and respect are two conundrums that I have not yet reconciled—there is no prediction, system, or logic that isn’t wholly opaque, so I opt to avoid them. Both I am guilty of disrespecting gravely between you and me.

So to provide a response to what you wished for today, I am here groping at honesty and up-frontedness with clarity as I much as I possibly can, though with characteristic un-grace and an inability to understand my own misguided self. My actions against you remain an incredible hulking mistake, regret, something that I learned absolutely nothing from except for the depth of my “logical” ineptitude. You needn’t forgive me.

Your life ahead, XXX, may it be void of fumbling people like myself who don’t know how to handle the responsibility of another’s emotions. May you carry on without fear and find partners whom you can love and who will be fully capable of its return.

Love, from Anhedodia,