day thirteen now, almost half way and going strong :) - wedif post -
(after a few days I will make a new masterlist for wedif and link it in my bio)
masterlist / request / submit (the usual stuff)
its still valentine’s day somewhere, right? I mean either way, you do you above all else and its just a day so don’t pressure labels onto yourself- I’ve learnt there’s no point.
never say you need him, say you want me. - kind of from Ashtons twitter but reworded for the sake of this :)
Walking along the well known cracked pavement I struggled to hold the trembles inside much longer. His porch came in sight and I tried to play the laughter that echoed off of it whenever I usually visited but instead the words I was told moments ago played instead. Glancing up to the sky above, seeing the clear blue I cursed silently. The need and wish for rain was needed, how else could I disguise these tears that rapidly trickled down my face without a care for the makeup I did especially for him in the early hours of this morning.
I stood in front of his house and remained still. The shaking of my legs increased the longer I tried to find the words to say to him, how to explain why I was such a mess. My lips quivered as I rose above it and quickly knocked on his front door praying to myself that his family didn’t answer.
A small wave of relief flooded my system as he opened the door, still undressed despite the time of the morning with bed hair adding as a finish touch to this look. He would always greet me with a bright smile, one that is unique compared to the smile he would share with others. My parents told me that his smile meant more than words could say, yet for some reason I just shrugged it off and labelled it as the best friend smile. Except now his expression read concern, I was huddled into his warm embrace as soon as I tried to smile, my face cracking and more tears spilling as I did.
Holding me in his arms I felt safe, we walked upstairs as all remained silent in his home besides the small sniffs I made and apologises. A creak of a door sounded and we sat on his bed, the mattress that has blessed me and brought nothing but comfort now feels hard, too solid to relax into. Shifting uncomfortably I eased out of his embrace, moving away from his chest and the sound of his heart beating infrequently.
I kept my head low, avoiding eye contact as I focused on the cracks in his floorboards. Picking up on the dust that was embedded there and the stains that etched the wood after years of being walked all over, much like my poor heart. The gentle call of my name caused my ears to perk as I watched a tear fall in amongst the wooden boards and remain a droplet, not yet absorbed.
A gentle touch on my cheek sent a shiver down my spine and slowly I turned to face him. My face was sore, it felt raw as I let the tears dry on my cheeks in the bitter wind. His hand moved and held my cheek, gently stroking it as more tears fell on his skin rather than burning my own. “He ended it.” I mumbled to myself but hoped he heard so I wouldn’t have to say it again. Even admitting it out loud made it all too real, the fresh pain still stung my broken heart and the words made it shatter all over again.
There was a silence that lingered around us as he took his hand away from my cheek, the cool air instantly attacking the wet tears. His arm wrapped around my back and pulled me closer until I was resting against his bare warm chest hearing his heartbeat quickly as his breathing was unsteady. “Ashton?” I tried to lift my head but all I could see was his clenched jaw and his hold on me tighten.
Muttering his name again he remained non responsive, we remained like this for a while until something clicked inside of him making him release me from his warm embrace. “Come on.” He held his hands out in front of me which I accepted, being pulled close to him and saw the kindness in his eyes as always. He took a step away from me as he glanced around his room and picked up a shirt, covering his bare chest he tugged at his joggers before picking up a pair of shoes all in a matter of minutes.
Before I had a chance to question what came over him he held my hand tightly like he always did. Glancing down at how he held my hand it differed to how he held it, with Ashton there was care and an element of love to it. With me and Ashton we fitted, there was no awkwardness. Our parents always said we were like two jigsaw pieces fitting together perfectly. He led me into his bathroom where he released my hand and motioned for me to sit on the toilet. The lid remained up and I stared at him until he lowered it for me.
Pleased I accepted the make do seat whilst he knelt down in front of me and took some wet wipes from the cupboard and began to remove the excess black makeup that marked my face. Sniffing as he did he gripped on my nose and I blew into the wipe, he made a disgusted face making me laugh lightly. His smile returning. “There’s that laugh.”
Once I was fresh faced and comfy, now wearing one of his hoodies that held his smell as if it was sewn into the cotton we got into his car. He started the engine which roared the car to have more life than I felt within me as the last time we were sat like this I told him how he was different. If only I listened. “Where are we going?” I mumbled as I tugged on the sleeves of his hoodie, something I always do when I’m unsure or feeling anxious, most of the time it was when he picked me up from his in the early hours of the morning. Those journeys home were never easy so I remained silent and tried not to reflect over his behaviour too much, just focus on Ashton’s calming presence.
Looking out of the corner of my eye I could see that smile forming on his face whilst his eyes remained focused on the road. I remained curled up in a ball as I simply watched everything I knew pass us by. The roads we played in growing up, the tree I fell out of and broke my wrist, the pavement I could walk in my sleep that would always lead me to Ashtons, always.
“Today is going to be different.” A light chuckle followed his statement making me tense, the hoodie began to feel too big and I too feeble. My silence resulted in his hand on my knee, stroking it and soon I calmed down. There was something about how he held me or simply touched me, the small spark that calmed whatever anxiety had rid my body. “I am taking you to all the places and things you love.” I sat there utterly confused, my face scrunched together as I tried to think about the things I loved, crossing half of them off the list of possibilities as they weren’t fathomable. “Now, before you get all excited I’m working on a budget and a couple of last minute places considering all that happened this morning.” He trailed off and we both sat in silence.
Today was supposed to be special, I woke up early to spend a lot of time doing my makeup and getting ready. Part of me thought I shouldn’t bother and go casual, yet the other part of me screamed that he’d expect more. Except he expected nothing of me, he had someone else waiting upstairs for him. All he did was shrug his shoulders, glance me up and down and tell me it was over. There was no apologies, no empathy, just a blunt statement as if the past eight months meant nothing to him.
Returning to the car it came to a halt as I heard my name faintly being called. Glancing around I saw a sign for the ski school, turning to face Ashton he wore a small smile as he climbed out of the car and opened my door. “Why thank you kind sir.” I impersonated a rather posh brit and we both continued the joke as we neared the entrance, hand in hand. “What are we doing here Ash?” I lost the accent as my curiosity overtook everything else.
We paused outside of the entrance as he stood in front of me, taking both of my hands now. I focused on his eyes, he wore that indescribable look. It was the one my Mum told me about, the look that you saw old couples have which made me wonder if there could ever be something more. Forgetting his hands were in mine I realised how evident it looked, were we an almost couple?
Shaking the thought from my mind I heard his childlike giggle that made my heart flutter, “And that is the face I love to see.” He said pure heartedly, proceeding to scrunch his face up to impersonate my own when I’m in deep thought. “So ski school, just trust me.” I gripped tightly on his hand, refusing to let go. “You do trust me, right?”
A glint crossed his eyes, a moment of fear rising in the hazel. “Of course I do,” I spoke up with a small smile forming on my face. Leaning against his arm I glanced up to him. “I always will.”
We walked inside and were addressed as a couple, both of us proceeded to make awkward remarks about how we’d be the worst couple. How his face was the wrong shape or how my facial expressions were too horrid to be seen with; the harmless insults that left the lady talking to us perplexed but nevertheless continued talking to us.
“So you’ll be going on our intermediates slope as booked out by a Irwin.” She squinted as she read off of her clipboard and Ashton nodded in response, something she was oblivious to as she held the board up to her face. “Equipment is over there and enjoy.” With that we kitted up in gloves and hats, along with sledges over skis.”
Confused I pointed to the skis to which Ashton shook his head and lowered my arm. “Since when is one of your most beloved activities skiing?” A sarcastic remark that made me laugh lightly. “I know how much you love the snow so I thought I’d take you sledding, just without the expenses of going abroad.” He joked as he led us into a large open space filled with snow, an entire slope covered in the cloud like ripples of crunchy snow.
Observing the space I laughed wholeheartedly, as the sledge was placed in front of me, crunching the snow as it did. Without hesitation I sat down in the front of it with Ashton behind me. His arms wrapped around my waist and I could feel his breath tickling my neck. “One, two.” I struggled to ignore the butterflies in my stomach as he whispered in my ear, completely shutting out his last word and launched us down the slope.
I let out screams of excitement as we reached the end of the slope, unable to stop smiling. Turning my head to see him there was pure light in his eyes, “Okay, one hour here then the next place awaits.” He beamed and quickly tipped me out of the sledge and carried it back up, patiently waiting for me to join him.
Slamming the door shut I struggled to hide the smile on my face, one I doubted seeing after this morning. Today Ashton has proved, not that he needed to of how much he cares. Sledding was the first thing, he gave me a winter wonderland I could only dream of followed by the childhood bouncy castle which we would play in at birthday parties and lunch overlooking the city, something we used to do all the time growing up as we reflected over all sorts.
“Last stop.” He spoke up as he gripped onto the steering wheel. Just above us the sun began to set, the oranges blurring into the pale blues that melted away along with the fluffy clouds that drifted apart from one another.
The radio began to play and we both sang along, the air surrounding us felt lighter, less daunting as it had been when I first entered the car this morning. Everything was fitting into a said place, yet I am still unsure if my place is here with Ashton. As I sit looking at him whilst he concentrates on the road I can’t help but notice his permanent dimple etched into his cheek, how it always becomes more prominent as he laughs. The way he holds my hand tightly, as if he is afraid to lose me. How in all our photos he looks at me in that same way, the way I’ve never had anyone look at me. Not even my ex looked at me like that.
Drifting back into the song he continued with the vocals, that’s another thing. His constant passion and never ending pursuit of fulfilling his dreams. I’ve always admired his ambition, his drive to pursue greatness and take me along for the ride. “Okay.” He muttered as he pulled up outside of the forest, turning off the engine he climbed out and as expected helped me out of the car, something he has been persistent on doing all day. “Now you need to trust me on this but keep your eyes closed.” I raised an eyebrow to him but obliged as he smiled sweetly.
Closing my eyes I was vulnerable, but his hands covering my face made me feel safe, that nothing could affect me. As we walked I could hear the leaves crunching beneath my feet and his light giggle sounding in my ears, a shiver being sent up my spine and goosebumps flourishing on my arms. “Stay here.” He whispered and removed the warmth from my face. I heard him rustling in the leaves, backing away. “Open up.” He spoke louder and as I opened my eyes a small sigh of contentment sounded.
All around us were the circle of trees, the ones that we used to play games or centre an alternative universe around. Sometimes we’d imagine this was a spaceship or something out of Star Wars, for hours we’d play here and never tire of it. It’s been years since I’ve been here as it was always our beloved place. Candles hung from the lower branches of the trees illuminating the circle just for the two of us, a private place.
In the centre a bench remained, even after all of this time the warped marked wood remained intact, much like ourselves after all that we’ve encountered. So many doubts, worries and possibilities were exchanged between the two of us as we sat here, yet everything always had a way of working out for us even if it seemed impossible. Displayed on the bench was a picnic, carefully packed full of our personal favourites along with his phone playing our playlist we made a few months ago during a drunken evening of dancing badly in my kitchen.
He walked over to me and held his hand out which I accepted. His hand wrapped around mine whilst the other found my lower back, the glint in his eyes evident in even the evening sun. My hand on his shoulder we swayed to the music, soon becoming closer until my hands were both around his neck and his around my waist.
We danced like this in school, when we had to practice for the ball I cared so much about. Yet like everything it didn’t matter in the end, much like today. I had all of these high hopes and expectations for today from my ex and it turned into something entirely different with someone who really mattered.
The day had developed a different meaning, something unique for the two of us. It was about spending the day with the one you can’t see yourself without, even if it happens to be someone you didn’t expect. Maybe it was about time I learn to listen to others as they tell me about the look he gives me, as right now it’s all I can focus on as I lean in on this crisp winter evening, on our first valentine’s day.
