#wbl meta

Let me explain some more:

What did he mean, when he said, he was lacking love? Somehow I don’t think Shu Yi means that he was not loved enough. Yes, he has his insecurities about not being good enough, but he has been loved, by his father, by his mother even if she was no longer there. By his true friends. He has known love in his life, even if not with a romantic partner yet.

I think he rather meant, that he was lacking love as a part of his own identity, as something pouring out of him, an act and way of life, that makes him Shu Yi just as much as his shortcomings and his temper make him Shu Yi, a defining trait of himself: Being Shu Yi the lover, to feel whole and strong, self-fulfilled, together with a partner to love in that way.

Because at the start of getting to know him, we would not have used loving as a descriptor that came to mind quickly with Shu Yi, right? There were other traits that came to mind before that, others his friends told him he was, that he himself uses: his temper, his high opinion of himself.

And I think he did try with Yu Xin, to love. But he was too insecure still, and it was one sided, never fulfilled, it never went out into the open, as an act, a decision, was never brought to the surface. Yeah, pools and surfaces and all, lol.

And there was also that:

In the very first ep of season 1, Shu Yi makes a correlation, between loving/having a love, and being a success: His father used his confidence and success and perseverance to win over his mother, so Shu Yi will use his win in the swimming competition to win over Yu Xin.

It’s a correlation between love and success, where the winning somehow is the prerequisite to deserving love, his working hard is what will lead to a fulfilled love, being loved back. It’s a man’s way, right?

In the words of his Dad he quotes: If you fail that’s fine, but you will only be a true man if you succeed.

Of course, there’s a glaring double standard, next to the toxic masculinity, because Shu Yi is ready to love Yu Xin, but not expecting her love back before he deserves it, worked for it.

Funny thing is, Shi De works under the same misunderstanding and double standard, that Shi De will only be loved back when he stays winning, if he proves he’s good enough. He has the same double standard that Shu Yi has, they both are ready to love, but think being loved back needs their worth proven and earned first.

A thought that is quite prevalent in the LGBT community, to have to be successful first, work harder, prove your worth, to make up for what and who you are, the ‘disappointments’ and ‘shortcomings’ that come with your very nature, for only then to be allowed to love and be loved.

So that theme with winning and love? With Shi De, Shu Yi has always been the runner up, never the winner. So, he never even thinks of love there, for himself.

Until he realizes, that in exactly that relationship, where he is never winning, where his hurt pride brings out his worst sides, he is actually loved best.

After getting to know Shi De, after knowing about his love for Shu Yi since so long ago, he sees how Shi De’s example of love for Shu Yi works: An alternative concept, that does not wait for Shu Yi’s success, wait for Shu Yi be worthy, to be allowed. An unconditional love, a kind one. A love that does not want him to be different, less faulty, than he is.

Shu Yi wants to love like that, too, and he has been ready to, I think. So Shi De loving him like this, gives him the chance to fulfill himself by loving back like this.

Seing love from the other side like this, being loved, looking inside the mirror of Shi De’s love, he realizes that this is how love should be, how he wants it to be, for both partners. So he becomes that mirror image.

Just by doing it, loving Shu Yi, Shi De also shows him that it can be done. That there is no mistake in this love between two men.

He accepts Shi De’s unconditional love first, as the way things should be, when Shi De will still struggle with the double standard, will not be able to believe Shu Yi’s undonditional love in return, his forever. Will fall into the trap of having to prove his worth via success again.

Yes, Shu Yi will have doubts about having Shi De’s love, too, with the insecurities of distance and misunderstandings, but he already has decided then, what love means to him, and how he will do it, his part in it.

Shi De will have to complete that arc of bravery for himself too, of allowing yourself to be loved back the same way that you love. Of allowing one vision of love, equal and without double standard.

For Shu Yi to break out of that merit-based understanding of love faster/first, especially in that battlefield of toxic masculinity that is his upbringing, his job and career environment, it means so much. He is brave, and gets there before Shi De.

Of course if the journey is still an ongoing one, with becoming as open as he’d like with their relationship.

But his braveness lies in that decision for and the persisting commitment to that vision of love, love that is equal and unconditional, enduring and all in.

To conclude: Shi De giving him that example of unconditional love, one that resonated deep within him, made it possible for Shu Yi to come to terms that this is how he wants to be and do love. Unconditional and equal, other than a love that was always dependent on merit, at least on his side.

So, since then, he has bravely loved that way. Let that love become part of who he is, even in the absence of his partner, with love in hiding, in denial, through insecurities and its ugly shadows.

He became a loving person when he commited to Shi De, fell for him, brought that person to light through his acts and decisions, so much that others could see – Bing Wei for example -, so much that now, that he is not shadowed over by pain and hurt and hate anymore -the dark backside of love- he can come back to that. To seeing himself that way.

The scene starts with the voice over of Bing Wei to Shi De in mind: How hard Shi De’s American betrayal was for Shu Yi, and “You can find noone else in the world, who loves you as much as he does.”

And we see Shi De considering that, as they walk, considering Shu Yi, his love and the choices it has had him make. He looks worried. And it makes me think, he worries about Shu Yi forgiving him for things where forgiveness would not be needed, because those things never happened.

I mean he knows mistakes were made that warrant forgiveness, but he doesn’t want Shu Yi’s love to carry a heavier load than necessary, after all, and I think that’s why he adresses it, finally after all this time.

Ahem. After making a clumsy joke that jabs at Shu Yi’s very love, when broken down to its core. About his confession back then. That you, Shi De failed to fully believe, remember? And you are calling Shu Yi an idiot?

Shi De. You are a tease and a masochist and possibly a bit of a sadist, too, and talk about ‘too soon?’.

But then again maybe it isn’t too soon.

He makes a joke at Shu Yi’s expense, and Shu Yi signals him to stop it, and it is just their dynamic, but also: Shu Yi’s face is soft and playful, and forgiving, as if nothing ever happened.

I mean, they do do that rough teasing all the time, it is their thing, they CAN handle it, it does strengthen their bond, just by being their thing.

But I think here, Shi De also realizes the dangers of that, and that he does not want Shu Yi’s blanket forgiveness any longer, now that he doesn’t have Dad’s promise to keep.

So he ‘adresses’ the misunderstandings still uncleared between them, that he knows of, that he now knows have weighed heavily on Shu Yi in the past, because he worries Shu Yi, out of the magnitude of his love, has forgiven them too, when there is no need for his love to carry that particular load.

But Shu Yi clears it up, that it is not forgiveness that has happened in that particular incident, it is that he has made up his mind to clear Shi De of his suspicions, because with all that he knows now about Shi De’s motives and insecurities, and stupid self-sacrificing choices, he doesn’t suspect him of cheating anymore.

The word stupid might have gotten mentioned a few times.

So that’s that. Which doesn’t mean that there is nothing for them that needs talking about and working out still. Which is proven by the very next more explicit echange:

Idiot./Who’s the idiot./You are. etc.

It is dressed as joking, but there are truths that are exchanged here, arguments made, accusations.

But where are they standing, as they voice those accusations?

They are standing on their bridge.

What is a bridge? It is a solid connection between two places where, without it, no two-way interaction and passage were possible, no exchange between those two worlds and instances. It must be solid enough to tread on. With baggage, even.

So what is their bridge, the ground they stand on, solid enough for them to voice dangerous steps and accusations, without fear of the bridge breaking?

I think, that yes, it is their love, but it is also their forgiveness. Their commitment to each other, their choice to move on with it, together.

So, the jokes that follow? Those are no easy, lighthearted jokes. They poke at their realest weaknesses and insecurities. They poke where it hurts. And they don’t hold nothing back, calling each other idiots -if affectionately, mostly-  for the way they handled various matters:

They poke at: Shu Yi’s love that Shi De couldn’t believe, through the continued ‘affectionate’ mocking of his confession. I think Shi De at the start just tries to say, that they have both been idiots for each other in the past, for not believing in the other, it is rather clumsy to step into it like that and mock Shu Yi’s confession, but well, they are standing at the very place.

But Shu Yi gives back just as good: Shi De’s drunk break down and those transgressions that are not forgotten. And you can see Shi De swaying, ‘You’re gonna talk about that, huh?’ Shu Yi probably still holds the power of knowlege over Shi De’s blackout here, it is a freaking power move and a punch below belt-line, but well deserved. His mocking line of ‘I’m  not drunk.’ probably hints at what might have happened after the scene we saw.

Shi De’s next desperate jab reaches back to their very beginning, or does it, because the core of it is as follows: Shu Yi’ insecurities when it comes to parental love and acceptance.

Those two are some fierce fighters, each one of them.

So. Are these really jokes, or teasing, or something else entirely? I think they are conversation starters. Sometimes jokes are just that. Serious matters presented in a manner that seems more accessible, more digestible, to start the process, over joined laughter.

This is important between them, and a good thing I believe?

This is them working out new boundaries, new ways to talk to each other, about the most painful stuff, because they stand on the common ground of their bridge. Their love, their willingness to forgive. Not forget.

Because that isn’t what forgiveness means. You don’t have to forget the ways that you have been hurt. But forgiveness can be a decision important for both parties, should they agree to go on together, and work through this together.

It means allowing yourself and your partner to move on, but to learn from the mistakes made. To try and not repeat them.

It doesn’t mean that Shu Yi gave in, as Zhe Yu might see it. But that he decided he needed that forgiveness, for himself as much as for Shi De, because he wanted to move on, with him.

So, lastly, to the fact that Shu Yi is eating in that scene.

What does it mean, when a patient that suffers from gastropathy, who often neglected his stomach’s needs for regular meals, or even hurt himself by eating spicy foods, what does it mean if such a patient is seen eating happily?

I think it means that he is taking responsibility for his own needs and well being. To show him eating in that scene here?

I think it shows how much Shu Yi has matured, and that he is very much an active and conscious and consenting participant in the things that happen, and that he lets happen.

He is not overrun by his blind love, his blind need to be with Shi De and thus gives in despite it costing him, what I think might be what is worrying Shi De at the beginning of the scene.

He is an active agent in this exchange, minding his emotional needs and boundaries.

This is them, exchanging on equal and secure footing, or learning to.

Minding their needs and responsibilities, and starting the conversation and work, that might take the rest of their lives.

Ep. 3 told us so much about Shu Yi and his Dad and their relationship, how Shu Yi does love and relationships, and why. And also showed us how similarly Shi De and Dad act in certain ways and situations, and Shu Yi’s reactions to that. The scenes where they are mirrored, in front of Shu Yi’s home, after Shu Yi has thrown both of them out? The way they are a mirror image of each other when reaching for their respective glasses of whiskey in that very next scene?

We know now: Shu Yi is not new to the experience of having his boundaries crossed, and being hurt by the decisions and misjudgments of the person he put his trust in. He has been struggling with it for all of his life, because of his relationship with his dad. Like with Shi De, the manipulations stem from a deep love and desire to protect, and Shu Yi knows and loves them for that same care that comes from it, but suffers from when it becomes overbearing and won’t allow for Shu Yi’s own agency in his life and his relationships.

With both of them, Shu Yi’s reactions can go deeply beyond anger, and damn if that doesn’t even hurt more.

Both Shi De and Dad like to take control of a situation, try to make the situation - and Shu Yi – work along their terms. Sometimes all Shu Yi can do to not allow that is to put distance between them and himself. Storm out in anger. Or not in anger. But leave.

For example, the scene in the office, where Shu Yi felt for a minute in control of the situation, hate-seducing Shi De, only for Shi De to take control back, even by offering his help, his submission. But the way it was done, acting more than reacting, it was still giving control back to Shi De, had Shu Yi backing away, so he left that scene, overwhelmed.

In the scene with his Dad, where Shu Yi recounts all the times his Dad’s best intentions have hurt him, he tries and puts distance between them. His Dad follows still, and attempts to take control of the situation again, by joking and trying to get Shu Yi to concede, to signal forgiveness. It hurts because it blurs the lines of who is the adult and who the child, even if they are both adults now. And mind you, those are not conscious manipulations I believe, but mostly learned behavior, infringing on Shu Yi’s boundaries nonetheless. Dad is a business man, good in getting what he wants, after all.

So, Shu Yi has experience and a concept of boundaries, and I believe a sense of being ‘violated’ and it being wrong, too, a clear rational judgment on that, even if the emotional judgment can never be clear or easy, when so much love and attachment is involved.

He accepts some of those transgressions, because he loves the transgressors and their care for him. Is that right? Is that healthy? Is that just life, where people are not islands? He will have to set those boundaries for himself, and decide about his priorities.

He has been allowing his dad those transgressions, which shows in the resignation with which Shu Yi handles that situation. The anger doesn’t even flare up, not outwards, because he’s been doing that dance growing up all the time. Maybe not on that scale of Dad fucking up his happiness, but psychologically, is it really so different from those breaches of trust, those perceived failures of keeping Shu Yi unhurt, isn’t everything like that monumental and shaping somehow when young?

He allows Shi De those transgressions, too. In that couch scene from last ep. In this ep, when he takes the phone from him, and carries him to the bed, against Shu Yi’s demands. Look at his face, Shu Yi seems not even mad, at tops mildly annoyed, possibly even a bit enamored with the dominance and care that lies underneath.

Maybe that is, in a sad way, because he has internalized, that those compromises and concessions come with the kind of passionate and protective and overbearing love he wants.  “You even love his disadvantages? Tue love then, huh?”

Maybe, in a more empowered way, he can accept them, because those transgressions do not shake him in his foundations. Those foundations are built on being loved, by flawed people, but a fierce love nonetheless. Those transgressions do not tell Shu Yi, who he is and what he deserves. That might be idealistic thinking though.

Because that, too, is of course a very complex topic. Because yeah, there’s his headspace, where he can tell right and wrong, and what is respect and what not - just think back to when he overheard Shi De and Doc talking about America and said something along the lines of “Why didn’t you tell me? You should have asked if I was okay with a long-distance relationship. Do you have any respect for me?”

Also the stand he makes in the newest ep, that Shi De did not respect and trust Shu Si’s devotion and commitment, shows that he has a claer mind, that he has been wronged with that.

But. There are also his deeper fears, that his headspace can’t reach, his trust issues with trusting people with all his heart, his readiness for believing Shi De cheated, because it must be what Shu Yi deserves, somehow, right. And Shi De, you know now he thinks that, can you adress it already ffs?

So yeah, that’s why it is so sad, when he realizes Shi De did not believe in his love/forever back then, just like his dad does not believe in his right to make his own decisions, even if he bravely takes a stand. “He told me he would leave me if I didn’t accept it.” Because he apparently still is percieved by them as their inferior, their second, never their equal.

Sad, sad. Hopefully they can all learn from that.