Clearing my head.
Firstly, I'd like to apologise - I was aggressively blunt on Thursday and there wasn't really a need; I was kind of hoping you'd get a bit angry and say something that you have (if you were completely honest with yourself) wanted to say for a while that I knew would hurt me, because in a backwards way, that would help me a fuck ton more because I'd get over you easier. But you didn't say anything I wasn't expecting. Of course it hurt like a mother but It's what you wanted to happen so I'm kind of happy you're happy and got what you want - if that makes any sense.
Secondly, I'm not good at any relationship - I tend to fuck it up by either saying the wrong thing or getting too clingy. The examples of relationships I have had all my life have been my Mum's 2 Husbands and several fuckwits and my Dad's three weddings - none of which give me hope in a relationship. Nevertheless, I know this isn't an excuse and I have no right to use it as such. But it might explain a few things. I'm not going to pussyfoot around because I think we should be frank with each other. I wasn't looking for a relationship with anybody when I came back to uni in September and you came out of the blue, I didn't even see the signs (apologies again!!) But (and I hope you have never had to do this) I made a lot of effort with you, like I dragged you out of my 'friendzone' which sounds awful but nobody, not even Stu understands how afraid and scary I find opening up and letting people in - especially strangers I'd known for less than a month or two. It is scary and I handled it all wrong and I realise the shitty night at Mosh where I had a go at you was me just trying to protect myself and push you away, and I am really sorry for speaking to you the way I did.
Thirdly, and this is mainly for you. You need to communicate better with the next girl that comes along because that's what I can't cope with - you don't let anything show through that 6 inch steel plate you wrap around yourself and you don't realise that you're the one trapped on the inside - there's nothing the people that care about you can do to help if you don't let them see a little bit of whatever it is that is going on in your crazy head.
Lastly, what I was meant to say to you at the train station... (It makes more sense now that I've had a few days to think about it but anyway...)
If you're frank with yourself, you never really liked me . You were saying on Thursday night that you are lonely and that explains a lot - you didn't like me, you liked my company and the fact that I was around, and I'm not having a go but I can't be used like that. I've gotten too attached to you to be used as a cushion to make you less lonely. I can't be around you as often because it will hurt too much for me, at least for a few months. I'm not saying we'll never be really good friends again because I hope that someday we will and I will have no feelings for you but that day is a long way off yet, unfortunately. I don't really know what happened Thursday night but I think we were both feeling shitty and vulnerable and I know it's not what was supposed to happen but I think you'd prefer it if that didn't happen again and I understand that. And finally, it's going to hurt me for a while and I know that makes you feel guilty or whatever but I'd rather hurt for a while and not continuously get played and hurt by you, so in the long run it will work out better. I'm not 'running away from you' by returning home for a week or so, I am clearing my head so I can come back and be happy Jenni instead of confused Jenni but I couldn't stay at Uni doing bugger all because I'd be constantly crying and just wallowing which will start something spiralling and I wasn't having that. But I know this will be the last time I speak to you honestly, for a long time, so with that in mind I just wanted to say, I had such a lovely time having my heart broken by you and I hope that it wasn't all a complete regret and waste of time for you. I love you x
