âłâłâłâł Life Lessons for both boys.
âThâ five-anâ-a-âalf years I lost tâdrink anâ self-flagellation, Iâll never get back. Anâ I donât want âem back, in thâ sense oâ doinâ âem over or difârent. As awful as they were, anâ they were awful, they led me tâmy now, anâ tâmy current me. I donât âave thâ right tâtake thaâ away from thâ people âo love me, even if sometimes I wish I could.
âI saw terrible thinâs in thaâ time. People at their lowest points, people at their most despârate, people just tired of evârythinâ. People just like me. I wanted tâbe alone, but I took solace in thâ compâny oâ people âo knew exactly what I felt like anâ werenât tryinâ tâ do anythinâ but stew innit with me fer a while. Thereâs some value in thaâ, I think. Sometimes thâ best thinâ tâdo about feelinâ awful is tâjust ride out thâ awfulness fer a bit; sometimes in tryinâ tâ find thâway out when yer still facinâ thâ wrong way just makes yârun deeper, yâken?
âPeople think thâ best way tâdeal with sadness is tâbe aggressively âappy, or tâstart countinâ blessinâs immediately; never let yerself actually be sad, or afraid, or angry. But itâs... it âelps. Cough it up, âstead oâ swallowinâ it back down. Then yâkin eat somethinâ thaâ tastes better.â
â...never gamble with somethinâ youâre not ready or expectinâ tâlose. I was a stupid kid. I thought I knew what I was gettinâ into, thought I âad thâ upper âand, thought Iâd seen all thâ ins anâ outs. Thought it was a sure thinâ. But nobody âo smiles at yâ thâ way those deader bastards did tâme when they shake yer âand is somebody yâshould ever think yâve pulled one over on. I dinât trust âem, but I thought Iâd won.
âI gave up what little I âad left cuz I thought I wouldnât lose it, anâ gods know Iâm glad evâry day Leon ran instead oâ goinâ on thaâ ship with me. It âurt like âell thaâ âe didnât trust me at thâ time, but âe was right not to. I âave no idea âow âe woulda âeld up in Slantâs lab, anâ I never wanna think about âow close âe came.
âI know âe punishes âimself fer runninâ, fer not stoppinâ me, fer not âelpinâ me. But âe didnât know what âappened, âe couldnât know because I kept âim out of it till thâ last second like a fuckinâ fool, anâ thaâ saved âis life.â