#walkedclouds

      “Pepper’s not here. Again. If I didn’t know any        better, I would say you were looking for me.”

   It’s a quick call, with rushed words and background noise, in a speech so rehearsed that the nurse on the phone dodges a rushing stretcher, three running doctors and four other nurses carrying patients and charts, and he doesn’t falter, not even once.

RICARDO

walkedclouds​:

  “ No. ”

  What mirrors they were, set to face each other, reflecting the storm in each other’s hearts. She would match his fire, his every tempestuous word, and refuse to be cowed by the snarl in his voice. It was only right. It was only just. She’d almost lost him today, a reality she never wanted to come to fruition, but was so close to being enacted by the cruel hands of fate. No, no, not fate, he’d done this of his own volition. That knowledge alone made her blood boil, once the relief had left her weary bones.

   “ No, Doctor. You don’t get to make demands. Not after that stunt you pulled. Not after what almost       what you almost succeeded in doing. No, you shut up, and you listen, because I am not done talking ! ”

    The shudder in her chest, the tremor in her hands, these remained, remnants of the cosmic grief that had taken hold of her at the heart-stopping sight of him jumping into the abyss, into the waiting arms of an ancient pit just waiting to devour the life out of all of them. It was a good thing       a blessed, blessed thing, that the plan had worked, the one they’d thought had failed the first time. It was a miracle that the light had shone, finally, after a wait so long, piercing through the darkness like a knife, like a sword sent to slay the demons that were hidden in the shadows, the ones who called for their blood. She’d scrambled to find him, then, bruised and tattered and dirty and alive, so alive, that she’d wept, overcome with relief.

    But now, now she remembered the look in his eyes mere moments before he’d taken the plunge. The resolution in his shoulders, the ease with which he’d accepted what seemed to him as the only option, the best option for everyone involved. The saddest of smiles had curved his lips, not quite reaching his eyes. She’d known, then, what he was setting out to do. That he was doing it with flourish, just as he was wont to do. That he wanted to do it, for reasons other than saving the lot of them.

     She knew. She hadn’t travelled so long with him for nothing. She understood him clearly.

  “ You want to save everyone ? Fine. Good. Great, even. It’s what you’re good at doing, I know that. I’m not about to tell you to do otherwise. But don’t think     not even for a second, that you can just throw your life away, just like that. No. I know the grief, the sorrow, the guilt, I know they hold fast in your hearts still, after all this time, and I know they’re not going away any time soon. But Doctor, if you want to kill yourself     ”  

   “       don’t you bloody dare use us as your knife. Don’t you dare try to pass off your death wish as something noble, as something to be praised for. There is nothing honourable, nothing good about what you almost did. We    I don’t need your sacrifice. I need you here. Alive. With me. ”

   Eyes unfolded to her refusal, as if dragged up by their pull-and-push of anger. He had tried to warn her, but she’d asked for it, and now he would bore into her and witness whatever spit she needed to get out of her system. He barely even blinked.

   But he would not budge. As much as she believed her accusations were fair, this was not, in any way, a discussion. There was no right or wrong, no good or evil---just natural instincts and decisions to be made. He’d made his. He had no regrets about it. He would not be swayed. He would keep standing there, trying to get a move on, with a broken leg and a sprained shoulder, a black eye probably, and disappointment lodged deeper than any feeble physical bruise.

   On that front, she wasn’t completely wrong. But she was naïve.

  “ Are you done now? ”

  “ You have no idea. ”    This was a matter of fact.   “ What do you think I do? Just jump around, save the day and call it? This life isn’t about frolicing around, it’s about life and death and sacrifices that need to be done to save every ungrateful soul that’s in danger---because that’s how much we matter, that’s what the scale means, to lose one to save millions, or a few dozens, even just two. This thing wanted millenia worth of innocent lives, and if I could stuff it sick, then I would, again and again---because, as you so cleverly pointed out, there is nothing honourable nor good about losing the things I hold dear, not even my own life, there is only THIS. ”

   His arm flung to his side, making himself wince after hitting absolutely nothing. Hands slipped from levers, doors closed in front of him, tears begged amidst fire, and that is all sacrifices had left him:

   Lives saved. And nothing.

   He needed a moment to swallow in silence before he spoke again.

  “ If you can’t deal with this, I’m taking you home. ”

 everything is black. and it feels black ; all encompassing. the kind of black that seeps into muscle fibres -- behind eyes -- within blood. he blinks. black. he sighs. black. he clenches eyes shut so tightly that perhaps he might see stars, a ghost effect on the lids. black.

                                                           he isn’t sure what’s real.                                            is he dreaming?                                                                       is he dead?            was he ever even alive?

                            what’s my name again?  

                                                                   who am i?

                                  white.

                  ⊰ ☾ ⊱ ❛ where am i? ❜

       a familiar hue of blue encompasses spoken words, the man rubbing his brow in greeting. the room is unfamiliar -- frighteningly so. were it not for his sluggish state, perhaps he’d have began panicking sooner. as it is, thin fingers lift dust from the corner of his eyes. eyes that drink in surroundings like a man starved of sight. 

                        circuit boards, pipes, misplaced bits and bobbits -- everywhere. was he in a crash? a spark of electricity -- flashes of light, red buttons blinking ; a girl, unconscious. emergency sirens, red red red. is that blood dripping down her cheek?

              where is he?

                                  ❛ are you-- ❜

     fingertips brush her pulse point ; heart still beating ; relief.