Nintendo Celebrates Mario's 40th Anniversary By Giving Him Lower Back Problems
MAR10 may be over, but the year of Mario continues! As part of the ongoing Super Mario Bros. 40 celebrations, Nintendo is giving the portly plumber a new super power called... lumbago?!
That's right: starting this week, Nintendo is rolling out a series of updates endowing Mario with debilitating lower back problems. Every "Oh yeah!" will be replaced with an "Oh nooo!" as Mario officially enters the decade in which merely crouching (let alone performing a triple jump or backward somersault) produces excruciating pain.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"
In consideration with Mario's new status quo, every Mario Tennis game will be replaced with a more age-appropiate Mario Pickleball version, while Mario Golf will remain largely unchanged except for the addition of golf carts and unskippable 15-minute warm up exercises before each match (intended to prevent Mario from pulling something while bending down to pick up the ball). Additionally, games like Super Mario Odyssey and Super Mario Bros. Wonder will be updated with a brand-new ability where, if Mario sleeps in a slightly weird position, his entire body will hurt for the rest of the day.
"Aghhhhh. Fuck's sake. God damn."
The best part? All of these updates will be completely free to Nintendo Switch Online + Expansion Pack Ultra Gold members (merely $57 a week). Those without an account or on the lower NSO tiers will not be able to play any Mario game in the future, but can still enjoy the sounds of Mario screaming in pain via the Nintendo Music app. Wahoooooooo!
