#vulnerable post?

I have been having a really hard time with the next book. I maintain momentum for a while, then stop and do something else for a bit, then come back to it, and the cycle repeats. I'm not sure of the exact reason; most likely, it's a mix of a lot of things.

Self-pubbing TMOT and TPSOS went in predictable phases that took my attention in chunks: rewrites, edits, proofread, cover design, blah blah. So that explains the stop-and-start of Book 3 to a certain extent.

BUT: between September and November, I was drawn into fully drafting into a completely different novel, and I did that in pretty much one fell swoop. It was the distraction from the Book 3, and it came with 0% of the hesitancy.

So what's happening?

Idk. It could be burnout. It could be the fact that Book 3 has less whump and more romance, and I feel less confident writing in that realm. It could be real life: my sister is pregnant, my dad has cancer (news that comes after a year that brought two cancer-related deaths to my friends and family), my in-laws have lots of stuff going on, I applied for a leadership position at my school, and that's all on top of just, you know, regular life.

And I do think it probably is a combination of all of the above.

BUT: I also think I'm missing the sense of community I had when I posted TPOT and TQOL online. Like… that fantasy book I wrote this fall? Those characters have only ever been *mine*. I didn't "miss" reblogs or comments or gentle validation from people whose opinions I care about. But with Will and Bree? Those characters were born here. Out of Whumptober prompts and friends' reactions. Their story is the product of the space in which they were created. So… yeah. I do miss that community. And I think I miss it quite a lot.

If you're a self-published author, please don't jump in and remind me that KDP Select will kick you out if it discovers your work has been posted elsewhere. I don't give a shit about that right now. 1) I already know. 2) TMOT & TPSOS are pretty different from the original TPOT, so I don't think it matters because that pattern will likely continue. 3) I don't make much from my books anyway, so I wouldn't really feel the sting of being booted from KU. 4) I was conflicted about KU from the start so if the choice to stay or not were taken away from me, I'd be relieved. 5) This post isn't about that anyway. It's about me and my feelings.

All this to say, I sort of want to start posting chapters online again. I don't know if I'd want to do it here or ao3—ao3 makes it easier to hide/remove, but Tumblr is where Bree and Will started.

(I know I stopped posted TQOL on Tumblr, but I was in a different mental place at the time, dealing with different insecurities.)

I guess… I don't know. Maybe I just need a fire under my butt that is less scary then an editor booking but more than just 'I'll finish it when I finish it.' I like deadlines and external pressure, and I work better with them, but given the stuff going on IRL, I don't know if I can handle having a REALLY strict deadline.

There's no point to this post. I haven't made a decision. I don't know what I truly want or what I'll end up doing. But I guess I needed somewhere to share all this.