#volchnok

             WHEN WILL YOU REALIZE, LITTLE GIRL, THAT YOUR SELFISHNESS IS WHAT PUSHES THEM AWAY?     mouth parts, fingers tremble, heart beats against her ribs as a caged bird, begging to fly away, to leave     (   hearts are wild creatures, she knows, but she wishes to tame it, control it, subdue it  ).      ❛   mitya              ❜     

             what, she can almost hear it, his voice ringing against her ears, what do you have to say?   he’s right, she knows   :    she’ll claw at his wrists and beg him to stay and not think twice before walking the other way, before walking out of the door, before leaving him.  you are always leaving everyone but no one can leave you.   it’s a fault in her design, she wants to say, i don’t know how to stay but i don’t know how to let go. don’t leave me, swear that you won’t leave me. 

             sing, o muse, of the way her heart aches with the thought of him turning his back on her, of the way her fingers reach out to wrap around his wrist. please, she doesn’t say, don’t go, she doesn’t say. her lips tremble, though coldness carves itself to every corner of her body, a creature made of winter bones and ice veins   —–   please, she wants to say, i need you, please.  

                when did you let this happen?   when did you let him come in, carve a place for him with his words and lips and voice, when did you let him mark you beneath the surface, when did you let him  —–   she needs him,    she knows. she needs him, she must admit. tell him, say it. it doesn’t matter when or how it happened, but that it did   ——-   when will you realize, little girl, that your silence is what pushes them away?  you want him, you need him, you might even ——   that’s enough, that’s too much, that’s enough. 

                 words get caught on her throat, choking at the thought of coming out. say it.  her fingers tremble, her heart aches, her lips part  —–   ❛   please don’t go. please don’t leave me.   ❜   it’s not enough.