Still working on it
Rosemary wrote something the other day that triggered a little something in me. I know I grew up with parents that had no real interest in the kids that they had. There were other things they had to deal with their lives. It took me years to figure out to be decent with this fact.  It took me a lot of time realizing they had many issues they were and are still dealing with. I think I always kind of knew that it wasn’t because of who I was, but because of who they were, but there is still some loss and pain to grow through when your parents aren’t even close to what you desire as a kid. It’s interesting how many kids grow up with just hope that their parents show them love.  Sadly there is a part of I don’t deserve it to some degree that gets stuck into your life and you continue to make decisions with your life from that perspective. I think I have resolved so much of my childhood situations, but the choices made while I was still young still come to haunt me today.Â
Fast forward on a few years, quite a few years. I know most of you that follow know that I am in the middle of a separation and just a few parts of it have been shown between the two of our blogs. The other day we were talking and he tells me….you know all those “I would do for love” and “love” style memes that pass over tumblr that talk about all they would do for love. The basics of what he continues on to tell me is how he has never had that desire to do any of those things and that he is more of a selfish person.  Now I don’t believe that he will always be so, but it made perfect sense again, as to how so many things come back and realize how much this separation needs to happen and how it is one of those situations that should have happened many years ago.  Also how much all of this has effected me through the years.Â
I start to think about this more. I don’t feel that I have lived a life without love. I did realize that I was lucky to receive it other ways in life, through my friends, my friend’s parents, other family and through my children. I know over the last year I have really been working on myself and trying to grow and find a peace with my life, continuing to grow, while truly knowing and loving myself. I know I still have a far way to go, especially after seeing how I approached some events over the past two weeks. There is a lot of standing up for myself that is still missing in me, well at least the action of it. I'm working on that.  I have a friend of mine that just bluntly said, you just need to like yourself more and know you are worth doing what you want.  I thought over what she said and thought I think I have the liking myself down, I'm not sure I have the second part of that quite down yet...but it's coming.Â
I came across the following and it kind of dealt with some of what I am working on. Â I'm sure there are more profound things out there, but this is good for now:
“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.
 Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.” Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Psychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)
