May 28
Sorry about all the vent posts as of late. I'll try to restructure them into something entertaining next time.
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Sorry about all the vent posts as of late. I'll try to restructure them into something entertaining next time.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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i think not being allowed to be angry as a kid really fucked me up. was never allowed to speak up for myself cause now when i do i feel like I'm going to get yelled at. Even when bad shit happens to me, even when I manage to voice my complaints it just happens again. They'll apologize then do it again, like it never happened. Now that I've finally rediscovered anger after my emotions being numb for so many years I can't FUCKING DO ANYTHING WITH IT, ALL THE GIRLS IN MY HEAD START TO SCREAM AND IT JUST GETS WORSE AND I CANT EVEN YELL OR CRY ABOUT IT. this is all i fucking have. typing.
every time i look at my hands today they feel like they look a little different. they don't quite line up with how I know they look and contrast with how i want them to look. it's wrong. they're wrong. the feeling spreads like rot. i know what the problem is. i know it's the dysphoria and the DID. what I don't know is how to fucking FIX IT.
I can see her (my) lips moving in our head so vividly. Fangs that I don't have, fangs that yearn to exist. Tooth and claws made to rend. But I lack it all and am stuck in this shitty body. My joints are more compression sleeves than not. Who knows what my hearts going to do next cause sometimes I feel sharp pain radiate from my heart to my arm but it never goes past that so I just try to ignore it. My chest was concave for the first 20-some years of my life and I had to get a metal bar implanted to correct it for a few years. I wasn't meant to be here, and now that I am I'm so much more aware of this body's flaws. How does June do it. -Jade
Why did no one tell me that fronting would make our dysphoria worse what the FUCK. June at least gets to be numb to it but it feels like I'm farther away from being a girl than she is. Hyper aware of how much of a girl we aren't yet. I want to look like Jade but I don't get to have that! I shouldn't want that! It's silly! I should really just accept my lot in life. I'm hyper aware of all the things that make me not her and it tears me up inside. -Jade
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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it really is true. changing your pfp does change how you think. my own thoughts sound different. -Jade
Ok. Trying to order myself, ground myself, find purchase in the folds of my own mind. List of Alters (with Names): Jade - saw an image of Jade and grabbed hold of the concept of her so strongly she's now taken her face. Personality is abrasive, she tries to help but her help isn't good for me. Not sure how much she lines up with canon Jade but I don't really think that matters. Casey - Some form of "little" which I don't like having in here. Vriska - FUCK. Mirrors Jade, thinks the world of me and tries to force me to get better. Just makes me feel worse when I'm stagnant. Jester - *Jingles*
There's a couple more but they fade in and out. Might try to update as they appear.
Does anyone else have a hard time living in the present? Does anyone else feel like they're living someone else's memories? Does anyone else suddenly get snapped into the present constantly for no particular reason? Implying that they were in fact, not in the present for an amount of time they cannot process?