#virtuosiste

“ if you asked me this last year, i would’ve said yes. i get scared at things like people coming into the room and me not realizing or just thinking about my future and thinking about my life. you know, normal things to get scared about. now? god, literally everything scares me. i get scared of shadows around corners and every time i get a notification, i can’t help but wonder, ‘ is it me this time? ’ i’m scared that the ashmont pd is never going to catch whoever is doing all of this. i get scared of closing my eyes because that’s when the nightmares start, i get scared that i’m never going to feel okay again. because honestly, how could i? how could any of us? ordinary things, things that i used to not bat an eye at, now make my heart beat out of my chest. i get scared of places i used to call home and people that i thought i knew. ”

“where do i even fucking START, dude? there are so many things i regret. the way that i ended relationships, the people i should’ve reached out to but didn’t, all the shit i wasn’t able to say for years… but my BIGGEST regret? i mean. as close as i am to just… putting myself on blast so that psychotic fucker — you know, the one who gets off by making us suffer — doesn’t have anything over me, anymore… i learned my lesson when i tried to play the game by my own rules and it ended up hurting one of the people i love most in the world. and i still have a couple people that i care about who are still relatively unscathed and i don’t intend on being the reason that gets fucked up. so, for now, i guess i can’t really say what my biggest regret is, exactly, but… but i’m sure that i’ll get my shit rocked soon enough and then you’ll know, then EVERYONE will know, exactly what keeps me awake every fucking night. pretty intimate of us, huh? guess it’s true, what they say: the best way to strengthen your bond with twenty-nine of your classmates is through mutual trauma and having your deepest secrets projected without your consent!”

“Oh, mm. I don’t think I knew for a while…” he runs a lazy, heavy hand over his face, “Think I spent too much time thinking about myself in…” He closed his eyes, waving a hand ambiguously, “In relation to other people? I suppose I still do but it’s different now.  Before I was just that Lamar kid or just my father’s son. – I mean I share his name, verbatim, which is a bitch. I never want childern, I’m not trying to fuck some poor kid up, but if somehow end up with them I’m damn well not naming them after me. Regardless, I was his. Then I was Daisey’s. Then I was Nate’s. And I’ll always be theirs, Daisey and Nate’s I mean. But I think I just want to be Oz right now. For once. You know? I’m an aspiring surgeon. I’m family orientated, I realize that now. @parkcrss says I’m an old man. I’m apparently @mvgicians ’s sugar daddy. And, yeah, I know I can be an asshole sometimes. But I… love really hard. So I’m a lot of things. Some good some bad… 

Smoetimes, I don’t think I like who I am all that much. But I kind of really fucking hated myself not too long ago, and I think… no, I know I have people who like me for me, so that’s some kind of progress right?”

uranus: what position do you sleep in?

“sprawled on my front, in the most ungraceful manner, one arm beneath the pillow, the other tangled in sheets. it changes, slightly, of course if i take a lover for the night. though the sprawling, the complete disregard for keeping up appearances, remains the same. should i die in my sleep, i feel i would look most unsightly.”

mercury: how differently do you act when you’re around friends instead of strangers?

“not too differently. i’m really not a shy or reserved person. what you see is what you get, i guess. there are a few people i feel like i can be more honest with, but generally i feel like i’m a pretty open person.”

SATURN : what would be your dream wedding ring ?

“i don’t know, i’ve never put much thought into it. i suppose, for me, it would be more about the person than the ring. as long as they’re THE ONE then i’m confident they’ll know me well enough to pick something out that i’d love. nothing gaudy or too in-your-face, you know? if it was up to ME, i don’t know if i’d even want it to be a diamond. my grandmother’s was an OPAL RING and i still think it was the most BEAUTIFUL thing… so maybe something like that.”