#vikky

Life’s so fucked up. I feel isolated from the world. Way back I felt lonely in a crowd of people most of the time, now I feel I am just a singular point of human existence without no other connection in this damned world. I feel I am a point in a map full of connected dots. Which virtually I am because lately I have no significant connection to people, to anyone. It feels like everyone found their soulmate, the someone with whom to spend these crazy times. But everything around me is so static, it drives me crazy. Sometimes I just want to go to a bar and dance and drink all night long. To be lonely in a crowd again. Then come home at late hours and feel miserable for the next day, wondering if it was worth it to waste my time like that. But we are living in a pandemic, goddamn.

I always felt empty inside after a party, in the morning when I was iterating in my mind what happened last night. A bit dizzy, with some tired legs and maybe some nice dress tossed around the room but also thinking how lonely I was being in this world. Little did I know that there will be times when I would actually be happy with just that. Knowing I had something funny to remember, I had a life going on, even a pathetic one. We are highly social creatures, so even if just analysing from an outer perspective the life of others was slightly sad, it was definitely better than this void. Just everyday being the same, with the same faces around, same few clothes that I just wear around the home, same job that becomes a bit too boring.

The lesson I learnt from this, maybe not a valuable one, is that spending time doing something which makes you happy is not a waste of time. You might not be able to always do what makes you happy but when you do, never feel guilty. Yes, for me it was guilt thinking that maybe I could invest my time into studying something new, working on a business idea, improving any of my skill, instead of doing activities that will not actively improve my life (besides the calories burnt while dancing maybe, huh). Yes, it’s nice to work on yourself but life isn’t always about maximum efficiency, it could also be about living in the moment and having fun and remembering days. I could hardly think of something to be remembered that happened this year and it’s so fucking sad. I also did not invest my time into personal growth as strategically as I would think I had done with this much time at my disposal. I just…I don’t know. I just kept myself busy with totally useless shit.

Charlie, do you know what I really want to do? I want to fall in love with someone that will keep me busy. That will take me dancing when the bars will be finally open, that will work with me on any crazy idea that we will believe it’s worth bringing to life. That will hear me sing all these songs I’ve learnt by heart in these isolation days. That will want to help me redecorate our house because I went mad seeing the same old furniture these last couple of months. Or someone who will just be happy to hear all my stupid ideas. Yeah, it’s hard to find someone to get through my stone-like heart and to make me feel safe that our future will make sense. Because I am afraid I will make a bad choice just to stop being so lonely and I don’t want to lose someone ever again because I could not predict that we won’t work out in the end. And it’s frustrating to even try to walk into a relationship with such high expectations.

Charlie please, somewhere, sometime just make a little wish for me that I will find my happy place with that someone.

Love always,