#vicemort

Every summer the Weinerman clan & company spend a week at a McFist lake house out at Lake Papoose. The 4th of July usually falls in the middle or the end of these trips, and it’s a huge Thing™️ every time.

When the tradition began, Mort and Viceroy had recently started dating, and Bash was still obligated to attend family vacations. Heidi/Morgan and Theresa/Debbie would not join the group for a couple more years. Randy and Howard were together, but not yet married and not yet fathers. The first 4th of July on the lake, the two of them snuck away from the McFists + Mort with a handful of fireworks, stolen from Viceroy’s stash. They only meant to fuck around with some sparklers, maybe a couple fountains. But SURPRISE! Bash crashes the moment with a bigass Roman candle. Randy and Howard try to shoo him away and it turns into an argument. Mid-scuffle, the Roman candle goes off. A grassfire starts. No one gets hurt, but it’s safe to say everyone is a little peeved for the rest of the trip. Bash only attends one more lake vacation after that before fucking off to Europe.

In the “present day” — meaning, all the kids are born, all the couples are married, the tradition is firmly established — everyone gets along quite well, sans-Bash. Randy and Hannibal kinda grate on each other, even though neither of them can quite put a finger on why the other is so irritating, but their love for the collective family outweighs the annoyance. Heidi and Morgan make incredible cocktails for the adults. Theresa always makes the cutest, tastiest America-themed snacks and desserts. Viceroy and Marci chat for hours on the porch. Debbie and Howard gossip and watch bad Hallmark movies for fun. Dewey, June, and B always get into some shenanigan or other. It’s all quite domestic and fun. In this timeline they really are a weird, happy, tight-knit family. I could go on and on about how everybody interacts with each other but then this post would never ever end

Even bigger than the fireworks, though, is the Annual Weinerman-McFist-Weinerham-Fowler-Kang Paddleboard Tournament on the Water!

Okay, yeah, it’s a mouthful, but here’s the gist of it: on the lake directly behind the McFist lake house, a ways from the shore, two paddle boards are anchored, nearby one another, but far enough apart that they won’t crash. Anyone wanting to participate, whether child or adult, is randomly paired against someone else, forming a tournament bracket. Each pair swims out to the boards, armed with one of those foam jousting sticks. Then. They Fight. In order to move up in the bracket, you must knock your opponent completely into the water.

Why is it such a big deal for the Weinerhamily? Because everyone single one of them is a competitive asshole! Except for Marci and Viceroy, who referee the event. And in order to participate, you must bring something to contribute to the Victory Pile, which is a pile of the brucest prizes, all of which belong to the ultimate winner. And everyone always goes buck-fucking-WILD with the Victory Pile. Fine wines, Disneyworld tickets, $100 gift cards, gaming consoles have all been seen in the Pile.

For a while, the victor changed year to year…until Debbie’s first win. After which, she becomes undefeated. But this doesn’t deter anybody, no — they get MORE competitive trying to take her out. Nobody understands how she’s so good at it. They just know she packs a LOT of force into such a tiny body.

Hannibal’s usually out in the first round (unless he’s paired against a child), at which point he pouts for a while until he remembers that he can spend the rest of the Tournament heckling whoever took him out.

Howard is a force to be reckoned with — low center of gravity makes him hard to knock over! — and so is his girl, June, by sheer force of will. Morgan is also a powerful foe, while Heidi is quite average. Randy has quick reflexives, but is fairly easy to knock over once he runs out of energy to dodge. B usually ends up laughing too hard to actually fight, and Dewey is the youngest, so everyone knows he doesn’t stand a chance. Theresa plays quite casually once her wife starts winning the Victory Pile every year.