#vh32

It is a dangerous time to be a student. The attack at Diagon Alley lives fresh within everyone minds. This reporter cannot understand why the Death Eaters would target school children – but there are others who believe it is because we are seen as weak, defenceless and unable to use magic outside of school.

The question I ask is this: If we were able to use magic outside of school would be have truly known how to protect ourselves?

As a first year I was extremely excited for my very first Defence against the Dark Arts lesson. I expected to learn about dark creatures, curses and how to hex my best friend when they got annoying (sorry Seamus). Then entered Professor Maximilian Gainsborough. All flounce, glitter and nonsense I longed for the end of the year and barely knew the difference between a Pixie and a Doxy. I vowed to give the lesson a second chance this term. 

I was wrong to do so.

In my very first lesson he spoke about ‘Grindlycaws’ and allowed everyone to enter the lake. As it later transpired, a Grindylow was a terrible creature who did not like second year students. Class a week later ended no better. In an effort to teach the “expelliarmless” curse (the disarming charm, which any newbie first year can perform within the duel chamber) the glittering professor destroyed my robes and barely batted an eyelid at the upset it caused.

[The following disarming riot was a hoot]

This term he has been allowed to teach second years that vampires sparkle and classes are for ice fun times. The third years have been able to relax, play with costume and lead to believe that boggarts are ‘fun’ – [as a second year I still haven’t learn about boggarts, but after asking a friend, they do not sound fun].

Many whom I ask do not believe that he is qualified to teach. There was only one respondant who had anything nice to say:

"Um, well....I mean I don't think it's taught properly? At least that's what my year and everyone says but...Professor Gainsborough is so...BEAUTIFUL...I can't help but love him."

I have a different theory.

Does Professor Gainsborough know exactly what he is doing? Has he been sent to fluff up everyone’s education so that when we are attacked he cannot fight back? Could it be that he is only acting like everyone’s best friend, glittered up to the nines, when secretly he is plotting our downfall? Is he truly our friend or is he a foe?

All that glisters ain’t gold!!!

  1) I love your ways of teaching, how did you learn such amazing methods of getting across to the young?   “Why thank you! Indeed, being such a wonderful professor is a difficult task, but one I take on with pride. I’ve always felt I had an innate connection with the youth of today, much of which stems from my time as an actor. You get to know your fans very well, and as a professor it is no different. I like to think of all my students as fans, in some form. As such, I must do my best for them lest they be disappointed!” 

2) Duelling, does it come naturally to you or was you tort by a master, for example the disarming spell?   *laughs* “I would like to say I was a natural, but at Hogwarts I was quite the dismal duellist, would you believe! I spent more time practicing the art of beautifying than practicing in the duelling chamber. I invented a revolutionary acne cream in my fifth year, you know (perhaps you would like some?) But when my students wanted to learn some defensive spells I wasted no time in defamiliarising myself with some. So as you can see, it’s never too late to learn! A bit of work and you can be a top-notch duellist in no time!”  

3) Your views on vampires, do you feel that they are terribly misunderstand creatures?   “Oh, terribly. There are so many inaccurate assumptions that have unfortunately become common place. The sheer idea that vampires will burn in the sun, that garlic repels then… all these are so antiquated! Besides, imagine how horrid it would be not to be able to see your reflection! No vampire could survive in the world without it. I know I certainly couldn’t.”  

4) On whole, how do you get on with the staff at Hogwarts?   “I would say they are a bit intimidated by my dashing good looks, let alone my international success as a businessman and an actor. It’s difficult to imagine how hard it must be for them. Personally, I think the staff are quite excellent – enhanced only by my beautiful presence, of course!”  

5) Why did you want to become a professor and was it an easy process to become one? For all the young students who want to follow in your foot steps!   “Well it’s hard when all the roles dry up and your cosmetic line isn’t doing quite as well as– AHEM, well, Hogwarts professor is only the next step, you see! It’s such a rewarding job, giving back to the people. The process was very smooth and I was the perfect candidate, as you can clearly see. I thoroughly recommend it as a legitimate career choice! Not everyone can be as famous as I, and even I need a reality check from time to time *chokes back tears*. It’s been such a wonderful few years so far, and I look forward to many more!”  

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Courtesy of the wonderful Marius Constantin, a nonogram! Can you find the hidden picture? If you can, PM your completed puzzle to Lucia Isaacs and Marius Constantin for a prize!

Come on down to the castle corridors for the sale of the century! 

There are many things on sale, from potions to baked goods. Also, if you’re a fan of a certain third year Hufflepuff, here’s your chance to get to know him a little bit better… 

 Mercutio’s Stuff

Half Eaten Box of Pixie Sticks – 10 sickles Left Sock – 12 sickles Right Sock – 12 sickles Half-finished Homework – 5 sickles Nearly-Empty bottle of Hair Cream – 10 sickles A Toothbrush with worn down bristles – 5 sickles A copy of Mercutio’s exercise regime – 3 sickles Lampshade from his bedside – 15 sickles A broken alarm clock – 1 galleon Broken toy snitch – 2 galleons

Desmond’s Concoctions

Fire Protection Potion – (protects you from fires) – 1 galleon Fungiface Potion – (causes fungi to break out over your face) – 1 galleon Jawbind Potion – (locks someone’s jaw) – 1 galleon Laxative Potion – (self explanatory) – 15 sickles Memory Potion – (enhances your memory) – 2 galleons Sense-sharpening Potion – (enhances your senses) – 3 galleons Animal Speak Potion – (you can speak to animals for 1 day) – 10 galleons Cat/Owl/Toad/Rat/insert animal here Tonic – (heal your pet of an ailment) – 5 galleons Hair Gel Potion – (twice as strong as your normal hair gel) – 2 galleons Sweet Breath Potion – (chase away that bad breath!) – 3 galleons

Navi’s Snacks & Desserts

Bag of Chocolate Chip Cookies (2 bags) – 4 sickles each Fluffy Strawberry Shortcake (3 slices) – 10 sickles each Lemon Cupcakes (5 cupcakes) –  8 sickles each Double Blueberry Muffins (4 muffins) – 8 sickles each Mini Pancakes with Maple Syrup (10 pieces) – 1 sickle each Apple Pie with Chocolate Drizzle (3 slices) – 1 galleon each Crisp Buttery Croissant (2 pieces) – 10 sickles each Snow White Macarons [Vanilla] (3 pieces) – 10 sickles each Angel Food Cake (3 slices) -  15 sickles each Requests - Price to be debated

Hello dear readers! 

 Your fashion police, Ansel, is here to save you from misdemeanors and violation of the fashion law! And trust me, there are some infractions I’ve seen over the past few weeks that need to be put to a stop IMMEDIATELY. Let’s dive right in. 

  Fashion Faux Pas #1: Still wearing your summer clothes. 

 I miss summer too, but girls its time to put away the sun dresses and guys put those cargo shorts in storage. Most people just think it’s ok to wear summer attire if they layer. Also wrong! The bright pink and flowery patterns do not match the changing of the leaves. Everything outside is dying, and you’re mocking it by wearing the wrong colors. Dark smooth colors such as maroon, pine green, and celestial blue are your friends and an essential part of everyone’s wardrobe. If you don’t know what those colors are, I can’t help you. 

  Fashion Faux Pas #2: Wearing your tie as a scarf. 

 No. Just no. I can’t tell you how sloppy that makes you look. Not to mention nobody would take you seriously like that. It makes you look like the class clown who has straight T’s in all your classes. I’ve noticed its popularity increasing with the younger kids, I’m assuming because they’ve never worn a proper tie in their life. That should probably be a class for first years entering Hogwarts. How to tie a tie 101. Now please make note that it might work as a cinch belt for the ladies in a pinch, but never as a scarf! 

  Fashion Faux Pas #3: Not layering. 

 The weather in fall is fairly unpredictable and you want to be comfortable yet not look like you just rolled out of bed. You have to be ready for any situation. It’s freezing in the mornings, very warm during the day, and chilly again at night. A simple solution to your problem is a black blazer with a colorful light undershirt that makes your outfit pop. You can even roll up the blazer sleeves for a more casual look! 

 Now there is a lot more I could say, but I won’t for fear I’m losing readers at this point. My goal is to have Hufflepuff be the most fashionable house out there! People will stop and stare in awe as they say, “Whoa, look at that Hufflepuff go!” To help my cause, I will be available from 7-8 in the morning if someone needs a ‘nod’ of approval for their fall fashion outfits. If you get the nod, you’re good. If not, try try again! 

 Happy dressing! 

Ansel Eddleston