“Fame doesn’t fulfill you. It warms you a bit, but that warmth is temporary” - Marilyn Monroe 

Why does someone chose to be famous? 

Let’s go over the obvious list: To become the center of attention, they want money (and lots of it), they want to feel above other people. “I want to be famous to be famous”.  

These obvious reasons in particular are only for those who want fame for fame. No true artist wants to be in the limelight, sure some attention is nice and it does come with fame, but not one real artist sets their eye for that to be a goal. 

As an artist deep in your soul, you know you must create. It’s something in our minds that keeps beckoning us to the call. And most of the times the need to create is due to sorrow, tragedy, loneliness. The only way to seek meaning is to create something beautiful out of nothing. 

But just like fame, the numbness sweeps through the being. Cold. Some can manage, I think those who want the ever praise and endless articles - end up getting away with their feelings. 

But those that end up getting fame from creation, well, we get fame and then we think it will help us. But it never does. 

Fame is heartless. Just like the tabloids. 

You think it (fame) will change you. Leave you smiling forever. 

But as an artist, we go off to a corner, like an animal that’s about to die, and sit and wallow in our own self loathing. 

Why? Why to everything. 

It’s why drugs are tempting. It’s why we lose ourselves to...ourselves. 

It’s why we put on shows - to put on a show for ourselves. If I am this way, I can be like this all the time - but it slips away, easily, just like a mask. We feel the glow of the performance, wether it’s on stage, behind or in front of a camera, showing off art - the world is a stage and when we are by ourselves, we are stuck with who we are. 

We want to escape from our thoughts. We want to feel like we’re alright. If we smile, then we are okay. 

But...that’s usually not the case. 

Fame can’t change us. 

Only we can change ourselves. 

Dearest Sea, 

It’s been 5 years. 5 long years since I have seen you, since you left two days before our supposed “happiest day ever.” Coming home to find your ring was...a mix of emotions to say the least. More shocking then finding out you moved everything out. Even if you left me, I would have thought you would keep the ring. 

But this is about us, not really. It’s about what I should have told you. What Drew and I should have told you when we found out. The memories are fuzzy, but I figured you should hear them from me. No matter what I can and can’t remember. 

The days after you left me, the person who came to comfort me the most was your little sister. We drank, told stories about you, laughed until we cried. She needed you so much in her life then and you left her without saying goodbye. I can somewhat understand why’d you ghost me, but to ghost her? That was just cruel. 

I invited her on tour with Broken Republic. Our first major tour in America. Drew and I bonded over the vanishing act that you pulled. And the tabloids saw it too. Now, I don’t remember exactly everything from that tour, I was young and there were drugs and lots of alcohol. But I do remember that Drew and I kissed on several occasions and were photographed doing so. So many articles were being written on us, mainly due to you and your absence. Icxna took notice. They approached me about a deal. Marry Drew, I could get millions. 

I didn’t take it. 

They kept approaching me, each time offering me more money. 

I never took it. 

Next thing I know, I had the worst headache of my life when I awoke...which was after two days. Or so I’m told. The same thing happened to Drew. We didn’t question it and the tour was nearing over. Drew and I drifted apart...I think she took to me more than I took to her. She reminded me of you in so many ways and I needed to escape from you. 

You were gone 5 years and you probably know by now that Drew and I are married. Legally. My mind might not be clear, but I think we were drugged. I know you’re probably hurt. Even though, I want to remind you that you left me. But, I wanted you to know that I never meant to be married to her. It was always you for me. Well, for a time it was only you. 

Drew is a victim of a crazy cult, don’t be mad at her. 

Becoming a trendsetter

By North North

I never set out to be a trendsetter or whatever you think I am. I always have and will always be about the music. That’s all my life has been about. Music is the center of my core. My being. It is what saved me in the darkness. It was my savior.

The one thing my brother Lucas and I wanted to accomplish was not become famous. We wanted our music heard for people to become inspired, to feel things, to escape. But we also didn’t want to become starving artists. I didn’t want my dad to pay my rent or my bills when I was 40. I didn’t want that life and neither did Lucas.

Fame came fast for us. We didn’t expect it that quickly. And sure you can say Lucas’ dad helped or whatever, but as much as people hate admitting it, they took to our music. We were brash and fun.

If you were with us from the beginning, you’ve seen us evolve. Which, some people dislike. They say shit like we “sold out” or whatever. But what those people don’t realize is that as artists you grow. As a band, you grow. As humans, you grow.

My brother and I have don’t just that. We’ve both grown.

I was surpressing my sexuality during Rat Mouse and the beginning of Broken Republic. My whole life I was told to surpress it (my sexuality). As an arist, I felt like I was drowning. Like I wasn’t being true. So when the opportunity came. The Reaper was born. Sure it’s half a stage persona, but it allowed our music to become raw. Or at least, from me.

When I adored my Reaper look, it was a way to come out challenge our fans, our critics, and me. It was a way for me to come out and really express myself. Sure some people hate it. But it worked.

The trend took off, millions of our fans took to The Reaper look. While it was never my goal, good things came out of the trend.

I never thought my true sexual identity would be accepted and this was a way to say it did. I got to speak on behalf of the LGBTQ community, give people a voice to those who don’t have one, and honestly I got to finally give myself a voice in the community.

You can try to lump me with “piss poor celebs” that I may have dated or hang out with. But, what you don’t understand is that most artists have a darkness that lingers inside them. We use our art as a way to use that pain to create. We use our own talents to escape.

People use us (artists, celebrities) as a way to escape. As a way to hate us to make themselves feel better.

No one is perfect. No one person is truly happy.

But I started a trend for myself, acceptance.

So sure, call me a sell out.

But I have not only helped myself but others who have been or are in my position.

I will create whatever fucking trend I want to, in order to help myself and others. Through pain we will rise from the ashes.

So my fellow Reapers, my Sinners. Let’s set the world on fire.

Skull makeup, leather jackets, ripped jeans, combat boots.

If you want to stand above the hate, wear those.

Let’s showcase a trend that lets the universe know.

“Where the hell is that?” Noah sighed in frustration, he was already late to his meeting with his brother and he honestly didn’t need another lecture from him. He could play out the conversation in his head.

“It’s irresponsible to be late lil bro.” Lucas would remark with that same stupid smirk.

“And it’s irresponsible to sleep with the groupies, but what do I know.” Noah would remark back.

“I don’t do that anymore, you know that I’m in probably the best relationship of my life.”

“I know, Rae did you a solid. You’re happy, blah, blah, blah. I can be late to once or two of our meetings, it’s not the end of the world.”

“You’re better than this Noah. Stop letting things get to you.”

He just didn’t need the reminder. He didn’t need the conversation. Ever since he had been stabbed, Lucas had been watching him like a hawk. He didn’t trust anyone. Sure, getting stabbed wasn’t the best thing in the world and it could have ended up worse than it did. But Noah didn’t want to leave in fear. He had Nash to think of, to take care of, he had his life. Plus, his secret hobby…habit..one of those things. He just didn’t need his brother to constantly worry about him.

“Fuck.” He slammed the desk drawer. Where the hell did he put his latest lyrics. Luckily, Noah recorded everything but this was getting ridiculous.

Nash peaked his head around the corner. He looked so small in his oversized hoodie. “What’s wrong.”

“Nothing baby.” He walked over to him, instantly wrapping his arm around his back and kissing his forward. “Go back to work, I need to leave soon anyway.”

Nash nodded and slipped back into his work mode.

Noah bit his bottom lip, he didn’t want to concern Nash with anything. And it might be nothing. Just he kept noticing that some things were never were he left them. Maybe it was the maid they hired…but regardless, he didn’t want to mess this new house up for Nash. He knew how had he had taken it, finding him bleeding on the floor of the flat. They had to move. And this was a killer house, it was perfect for them. He didn’t want to ruin this house for Nash as well. He wanted everything to be perfect.

“I’ll be back later babe, going to meet my brother and our producers!” He called out, grabbing his keys and making sure he had his phone on him. Locking the door behind him, he started to walk toward his car. But something felt…off.

He paused, looking at their surroundings. It was quiet. Nothing seemed different, but something in his gut told him that something was off.

Catching his attention was their mail box, half opened. That was…strange. Noah walked over to the mail box and pulled out a letter. Nash had grabbed the mail this morning, so obviously, this was placed intentionally inside their mailbox.

He didn’t want to be late to the meeting, but he also was curious about the letter. Opening it, the scent of over processed lavender hit his senses. “Fuck, that’s awful.” He scanned the letter, crumbling it up in his hands. He threw it into his car.

His heart was beating faster than ever.

No crazed fan was going to ruin what he had with Nash.

Two ice cubes.

Two ice cubes melting into the amber liquid.

Two ice cubes melting into the amber liquid, that burns the throat.

Reaper swirled the cubes in the glass of whiskey as he watched the people in the hotel bar. A usual mix of a typical crowd. Foreigners, tourists, the lonely people of the world. A perfect crowd of those who wouldn’t be missed at least not right away. Maybe a couple of months they’d be noticed missing, but by then the body would have already started to decompose without a trace of who had done it.

It was a guilty feeling. But it was a release he had come to love. Noah was heart broken at what he came to be, every time he killed. Reaper, well Reaper, was the side of him that needed the release, that needed to fill the sensation of taking a life.

Two sides to the man. One internal battle.

The clinking of the ice stopped, pausing he looked at his drink. The ice had melted down as his  conflicting thoughts, morals, raged in his mind. Placing two fingers in the air was all it took to single to the bartender to bring him two more ice cubes.

Two ice cubes for the burning amber liquid.

Perhaps he drink to numb the pain of knowing what he was about to do.

Perhaps the drink fueled the flame inside of him, the anger from his past.

Why did everything fucked up thing stem from his mother?

‘Mierda. Esa mujer diablo.’*

Maybe he shouldn’t blame her.

If Nash knew about this side of him, he certainly wouldn’t blame Noah’s mother for everything he had done. No, it was Noah’s…Reapers…own fault. But he couldn’t stop. He didn’t know how to stop.

One. Two. Reaper’s coming for you.

Three. Four. Shut the door.

Five. Six. Better make it quick.

Seven. Eight. You’re too late.

There she was. The fan girl who had threatened Nash. How anyone could threaten someone as innocent as his boyfriend, he could never understand. But that girl had. And that girl was going to pay.

He left money on the table as he got up to follow her out of the hotel lobby. He made a show of walking past her so that she would follow him, she was after all trying to get alone time with him. This would be her way of thinking she was in control. But he knew better than that.

No one would think the wiser of what he was up to.

That was between himself, the devil, and the glass of his favorite whiskey left on the table.

And then, the letter fell into the mailbox, just one of the many that waited to arrive at their final destinations.

Victoria Wiles. 

Noah turned the letter over in his hands. Nope, he wasn’t going to open it. Also, it highly disturbed him that she had found out where he was staying. As a boyfriend he needed to protect Nash from his crazy mother, not bring him into the fold. He left the letter unopened on the kitchen counter. As he walked away, he felt the familiar tug on his mind. Nope. He wasn’t going to let her get to him. 

“Mierda*.” He cursed, under his breath.

He grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the counter. He could see Nash’s face in his mind. He would be so disappointed in Noah. Grabbing the alcohol right away, instead of I don’t know, doing something more productive. Like writing. But how could he write when his mother is just edging her way into his life. Jesus Christ. Noah ran his hand through his hair, before opening the bottle of whiskey. Taking a swig, he stared at the letter.

It was taunting him.

Mocking him.

“No voy a dejar que entres a mí. Ahora no. Jamas. ¡No tienes poder sobre mí, Victoria!” He yelled at the object. Pacing in the kitchen, he took other swig from the bottle. His eyes never leaving the letter.

He stopped walking, placing the bottle on the counter. This was ridiculous. She wasn’t here. She only ever sent letters. Every time it was the same. She would send him a letter, he’d rip it up. Of course, Victoria would always praise him when he was dating a girl but it was the interviews with the press about him being Bi that got to her. And now, he was publicly dating a guy. A guy who Noah was absolutely in love with.

And now, she sent a letter.

"¡Maldita sea!" Noah grabbed the bottle and threw it. It crashed against the kitchen wall.

“Bloody hell.” He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths. He needed to clean that up. He grabbed the broom and dustpan out of the hall closet and started to sweep up the broken glass. “Fuck it.”

He needed to know.

Grabbing the letter he opened it and pulled out a card.

Hijo, Quería invitarte a mi fiesta de aniversario. Es para celebrarme a mí mismo con el amor de mi vida. Sé que no eres un matrimonio tradicional y estás viviendo una vida de pecado. Pero espero que al invitarte a mi fiesta, entiendas lo importante que es el matrimonio entre un hombre y una mujer. Espero que podamos reunirnos como madre e hijo. Lucas estará allí. Por favor, hijo, olvida tus pecados y ven a verme. Te extraño mi amor. Mamá*

Noah was hurt, livid, disappointed. After everything he went through, there was still a small part of himself that thought his mother would understand that what she believed was utter bloody nonsense. But, how could you reason with someone with so much hate in her heart.

He took out his phone and called his brother. “Lucas, we need to talk.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

*Bullshit.

*I'm not going to let you get to me. Not now. Not ever. You have no power over me Victoria!

Love.

What is love?

I have watched people who were supposed to love one another. And yet…it’s toxic. Full of hated at the surface.

My father loved my mother. At least, I think he did. He showered her with gifts. He couldn’t believe that a woman as beautiful as my mother loved him. I never thought my mother loved me. At times she would falsify as love, make me believe that she cared.

She said she loved me, yet she showed me that she hated every part of me. What I was. What I am.

My father was blinded by her. He could never see how desperate I was to get out. Until, it was really too late. The damage my mother had done to me mentally…I don’t know how I function. Well, I do…but it has taken a toll on me life. It has turned me into someone I don’t know myself. She has made me want to inflict pain onto others has she had done to me.

How could my father love someone so much that he didn’t realize who she was?

And when he did realize what she was, he divorced her, and he swore to me that he was fine. That he was okay. But I saw him, when he didn’t think that I was looking. He cried. He showed his own pain. Pain of not having her. Pain of a lost love. He still loved her, even when he found out what she was.

I sometimes wonder if he blames me for having to leave her.

That he wishes he didn’t have to care for a son so he didn’t have to leave the beautiful woman who he married.

Love is a complex being of it’s own.

And when you have the proof that love is nothing, it makes you believe that love is nothing.

That it is just a lie. Just a mere idea that someone created.

Love is nothing more than a want for another’s human touch.

People are constantly moving through this world with only lies, betrayal, and our desires.

But people can change us.

Our ways of thinking.

And for that. I must thank Nash Rose.

For showing me that someone cares.

For showing me what is worth fighting for.

Love.

Will Nash still love me when he discovers what I have hidden inside of me?

Will he love the monster I am.

Written by: Hugo Marks 

I had the pleasure of meeting with rock’s superstar Noah North. His album Grim Reaper released in London with a big bang. Rave reviews only followed the brother team with their latest dark rock album. The music lately has symbolized the brothers desires, betrayal, and empowerment with the ups and downs of the lives. But what has been most intriguing about the singer and guitarist is the fact that he has been open with his sexuality for the past four years. 

This is going to be the first Pride boat that MTV has put on and I got to learn first hand what this means for the singer. 

H: Thank you Noah for joining me. How excited are you to be a guest at this years MTV’s Pride Yacht? 

N: It honestly means a lot to me. I’m excited that I get to celebrate London’s pride week with some of my closest friends, fellow LGBTQ+, and allies. 

H: You openly came out as Bi four years ago, but you’ve been in the public eye since you were 18 and touring with Broken Republic. Why did you wait so long to come forward and how has the response been like since you’ve come out? 

N: It’s no secret that I had a rough childhood when it comes to my sexuality. My mother was always trying to make sure I was “straight” enough, because according to her and some of her friends I was trying to go against the norm. I felt like when myself and my brother started our band that was a part of me that I wanted to hide because I felt like I needed to. That others would hate me or the band because I do like men as well as women. Plus, Bisexuality has always been looked more down upon more so with men than women. The response has been mixed, but I’m more comfortable with who I am now than ever before. There will always be haters, but I have the power of not reading their comments and also the ability of just not giving any fucks about what they think. 

H: It is honestly sad that Bisexuality in men has been looked down on. It’s so easy to think that there wouldn’t be any problems because it’s so easy for women to be openly Bi and no caring. 

N: Well, for women it’s that a lot of straight men have that “fantasy” of two women together. But put two blokes together and it becomes gross, or you can’t be bi and actually like both sexes, you either have to choose. I think when it comes to it, people just naturally have insecurities and so if their partner is Bi then in the back of their head they are constantly doubting themselves. I’ve been lucky that the women and guys I have dated were in support of me, but for most people that’s just not the case. So yeah, I’m glad to be apart of this Pride Week in hopes to bring more light to being BI and that it’s okay to like both men and women. 

H: We are sorry that we have to bring this up, but, since you and Nash Rose broke up...how are you feeling since he will be on the yacht as well? 

N: Well, I’ll be going with my wife, Drew, and while we aren’t actually together, I’ll be there with her. 

H: You don’t want to talk about Nash, do you?

N: No. Not in particular. But there is a secret track on the Grim Reaper album that really showcases my feelings. So if you’re really nosy about my last relationship, just listen to that. 

H: Will do. What do you say to your fans who might be struggling with their sexuality? 

N: Take it from me. There is no amount of hiding that will change how you feel. I have loved several people in my life. Two girls, one guy. Now for me, this particular guy will have my heart, always, and I would say that this is the first time I have experienced real love. But it will be different for each of you. Live today like tomorrow is the last. Live today to your fullest. Embrace who you are. Wether you are gay, straight, lesbian, bi, trans, non-binary, anything at all. You are perfect. Believe in yourselves. Rise above the rest. 

H: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. Have a great pride week.