#versatale

maybe i just entered the wrong circle. what i mean to say is that maybe i just tried to fit in to a new set of people without noticing that i’m triangularly shaped while i’m trying to ‘puzzle in’ my figure for a box. maybe i just had the wrong look on the map that’s why when i turned my car into another road it feels like cliff or a dead end was rudely waiting for me to fall.

definitely, all of my maybes are true. i am certain that my life before was controlled by other people. i was like a puppet and the social anxiety is my savage ventriloquist. and now that the strings inside of me are broken and cut into thin strands, i can freely move just like the bird set free.

 Never have I ever thought I would be writing to the man who loves my man. It is both painful and weird to say the flowery words intended for him, not for you. But I guess fate brought me here to scribble this down. And I will use you (yes you Claydee!) to show how much I HAD LOVED him.

 A psychological study says that having a crush only lasts for four months. But when feelings last longer, you are considered to be “In Love”. And it’s not just been four minutes, four days, & neither four months, it has been exactly four years!

 You know what Claydee, I met him during a regional competition when I was in 3rd year High School. And our school in Tanza was the host of the literary event. I still remember the way he looks that day. He portrayed the Prince in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. And just like the nameless prince in the story, I didn’t also even had a chance to know his name or even identity.

But I promised myself back then, for the next time I’ll see that ‘Nameless Prince’ again, I’ll be writing down his name as my surname. And I still remember on how my classmates laughed-loud at my confidence and guts during that time.

 And I still remember my first year days in CvSU. And it’s also on the first week that I saw him in the campus. I had an ‘OMG’ moment back then. We are on the same ground again. We’re breathing the same thick air. God damn it! Then soon, I had knew his name, course and a lot everything about him. The world is so small that fate brought us here together.

 But last semester, my HS bff told me about your relationship. At first, I just can’t imagine the fact that it is true. That the rumors about both of you are legit. Tho, marami na rin ang nagsasabi na kayo na nga, patuloy kung nilalason ang isip ko sa ilusyong magiging kami, na hindi pwedeng maging kayo.

 But I guess love is about also about dealing with pain and sacrifice. And I’m willing to see you somebody else, as long as you are happy, contented and free.

 I supposed time heals everything. And now that I’m truly enlightened, I’m writing this letter to list down all of my frustrations and regrets in the past. The things I wanted to do if I we’re to be her Princess.

Claydee, please never let him go. I know there will be a lot of judgments in our world right now but never mind those shits. Never mind the friends or even families who tells something terrible at your back. Never mind the religion; but mind both of your faith. Never mind all of the things that can break both of you apart.

Claydee, please call him every 2am and say you’re missing him so much. Tell him that he’s been part of your dream that’s why you couldn’t get into sleep. Buy him a vanilla ice cream when his upset. Travel and take photos with him. Consistently write him notes & letters in scented bond paper so he could not just absorbed the special scent but merely your effort. And since Netflix is now in our country, do the ‘Netflix and chill’ thing. And never mind if it leads to the ‘teary yet sweaty side of watching’ because that’s what Netflix is made for couples like you. Buy him a book every month and take notes on the parts that describes or has a significance on your status.

And when you’re both living together na, make sure that you will be the first person he’ll see when he wakes up. Bring him coffee when he’s trying to stay late at night because he is studying on how to cure your adopted dogs by using herbal medicines. Play the songs that you both like and dance freely as if there no rules in dancing.

the one who spends a lot of time reading rants from different pinoy bloggers or maybe replaying the humorous  and foreign video blogs of oakley, butler and jacksgap twins. the one who always take photos with friends that will soon turn into just memories. the one who always write journals about what happened on the day he never fake a smile nor a laughter and always ending up by sticking some trashes that for him are gold (such as the candy wrappers from his crush, or maybe letters, flowers etc.) the one who always listen indie record labels inside his room, all dark and all alone. the one who go to the movie house, libraries, museums and parks. the one who has ocd and despite of not believing in any superstitions, he has mantras that will surely close his day as a normal yet promising one. the one who is writing this annoying post without considering what might others say. 

meanwhile, the other half of ben enjoys on what’s around. he actually has never been happier than before. he might not be watching or reading harry potter, or oakley and butler’s posts but still, he prefer to watch real comic internet sensations that can be actually seen in public areas such as malls, railways and etc. he might not be capturing memories but  he now click his camera when he sees anything bizarre and magnificent caught by his own eye that others might see as ordinary butterfly completing the process of pollination, or a child left by his guardian in the street or something heart-aching but worth telling. he might not be collecting trashes but still he keep his hands all day to his personal blog. the other half also can’t also resist the ocd thing but i’m pretty sure, he is handling it well that no one can be hurt or abuse. and the other half is also posting this kind of non sense post.

to be honest, every time i pray when i woke up, one of the things that i repeatedly ask is the security of our future (well i’m not that too selfish for not to include all of my love ones especially my sisters). indeed, i always look forward even if i’m still bounded by the word ‘today’. 

i consistently wish to the supreme being that i will soon have the finer things in life. the stuffs that will make our lives better than before. to be concrete, life goals such as family car at 25, payed house mortgage at 30, financial security, educational insurance for my nephews and rocel, master’s degree in ust or up  at mid 30′s and trip around the country or to be fortunate, the globe at 40′s.

so what’s my plan? after i receive my bachelor’s diploma, i wanted to get a decent job (of course) that would be a great start for my savings. maybe, i’ll apply on summit media (particularly in cosmo, candy or k-zone/totally girl). the kind of job that would not be all about ‘stress due to political issues all around the philippines’. yep, i might be playing on my comfort zone because it’s all about how girls should deal with their make ups during prom or how to unlove your best friend or maybe about the last awkward sexual intercourse with your professor during college. or might be the one who reviews another erotic book of james that deals with a lot of sadomasochism.

i may not be the kind of writer who deals on how the world should go turn despite of the political propagandas, news blocks and conspiracies and etc. i might be on the so called ‘conspiracy side’ that all of the GREAT writers said that makes a lot of people stupid (but i guess being blinded by the mass media is a choice of every human being). i might be the one who only blend in the hype and i might be wearing floral shirts and nike roshe but i’m sure what i just entered.