#ventbraindump

I'm sitting here, I'm putting everything on the line and still I see no results. I can't... I can't keep this up, even my physical health is deteriorating. At this point... Ill be in no shape to help anyone... I might not even need to try anymore I just won't be able to.

Did you not believe me before when I said I was bad that I was crashing that I needed help? That I was searching for help?

Now that it's visible are you scared? Are you regretting loving me? Are you trying to pawn me off?

I didn't ask to be this bad, I didn't ask to have such ugly thoughts. I didn't ask to be made this way. I don't want to be this bad.

But it feels worse that I have helped when others were at their ugliest, when they were screaming and crying and throwing up.

I am terrified that if people see my mask crack they'll leave me, and now it's starting to happen. Every fear I confided is coming true. And so I sit here looking at emergency appointments alone because I am now unwanted at my worst. I am untouchable at my worst. I am something to hide from at my worst.

But it's still happening. I'm still getting bothered and interrupted like I'm stealing time to be with my partner.

We sit for a talk and someone tries to come in, we say not right now and they leave but now without letting us know how dejected they are. We try to have moment of fun and we get told that's not something we can do right now, but later it's something they can. We try to brace each other, and someone interuppts or says oh I want that too or distracts everything.

Not a SINGLE moment has been without the guilt of feeling like I'm stealing my partner from someone else.

Even to the point someone else who has no weight in our relationship at all is starting to hate me because I spend time with my partner. Looks at me with disdain, disgust and avoids me at all costs.

And what can I do but step to the side until that feeling boils over, when everyone but me can get time without having to snatch it, without having to wait for a serious conversation to pop up, without having to wait until my feelings are eating me up and then I'm left alone to stew in them.

But I can't even break down because I'm scared I'll hurt the one person I'm trying to protect.

But I'm also so tired of being so stressed and anxious the smallest noise makes me nauseous. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't even relax.

I'm so so tired of having to silently cry about being upset, because the moment I stop being silent everyone else starts being inconvenienced. They start crying, all because I finally do something for myself.

Maybe I'm just being delusional. Constantly in a state of wishing for the best only to realize that it was impossible.

No, not spoiled. Not waited on hand and foot.

I want to step into the bliss of being weak and needy. I want the weight of my responsibility to be wrung from my shoulders. I want to be pampered.

To be given the okay to slip into the comfort of knowing it's not my problem- at least not right now.

I've spent most of my life being responsible for those around me. Parents who acted like children, and had no way to truly take care of and accept the responsibility of actual children. Children who didn't have proper parents and this relied on their older sibling to care for them.

I was the eldest daughter.

I boast and carry the trophies of a job and money and responsibility and life lessons, wisdom beyond my years, an old soul.

But they are heavy, filled the the brim with, stress and strife and missing out.

I know how to be an adult but I never fully learned how to be a child. I wish to be pampered.

To not be expected to wake myself, to be amused by the smallest things, to know even without my input everything will be okay. To not even be worried there was a chance of something not being okay.

Something in me yearns to nap without fear that an hour has gone by where I've been useless...

A round face, curly hair. Tired eyes. I should know to expect it.

But is that what I look like?

I can hear it, her, him, them.

I don't look like that, who is that?

Oh wait... That's me.

But I have-

Short hair, straight hair, heart face, blue eyes, round nose, long hair, blonde hair, glasses, short nose, curly hair but not that curly.

You... Have that and I have this. A body I know I'm in but isn't mine. A body that doesn't fit. It's hard to know when I'm me... And when I'm someone else.

Who are you? I say into the mirror.

We are you. And you are us. They say back. But it's not true.

That's not me and it's not...